Americans it seems, more than those in any other country, like to avoid responsibility and also to seek a quick fix.
That's why it came as no surprise to anyone who has been in practice for more than ten years, to learn that the diagnosis of ADHD, is not as real or as widespread as it has become, and the the treatment of it, whatever it is, with stimulant medication is not effective.
In truth, a lot of what is called ADD, or ADHD, is the result of a chaotic environment, not enough consistent discipline, and certainly a lack of having learned self-discipline.
Now I don't want to run around pointing fingers and yelling "bad parent" at anyone who has been told their kid has ADD. In truth, some teachers tried to pin that on my own son when he was ten, and the description may have even fit me for a couple of years when I was a kid.
The reason for the increase in the diagnoses was two-fold:
1. the increase in the complexity of life. Parents now are often both working, everyone is scurrying around. Schools are more high paced, stimulation comes from everywhere and very rapidly. Kids hardly have time to take a break and just have random, unplanned, un-educational fun, which is the kind that really leads to the most learning. It is very difficult for young boys to sit still and focus for more than half an hour. Most of them just are not built that way.
2. The drug industry found a drug that works. They failed to point out that the drug is a stimulant (speed) and that it helps everyone focus, from seven year-olds to eight-seven year-olds. They also did not report the studies that show the effectiveness wears off over time, and that their are often side-effects, such as headaches, sleeplessness and stunted growth.
But, once again, there was money to be made. And the drugs do make a difference, for a while. But they don't really help anyone learn, and they seem to hinder people learning how to learn, or learning to control themselves.
There have been so many times when I have had a parent tell me that their son won't do his homework, but if he is interested in something: science, football, skateboarding, girls; then he will learn all he can about it. That is NOT a symptom of ADD. It shows that the kid is motivated to do what he feels is relevant.
Many psychologists have made a living on testing and diagnosing brain pathologies, and ADD is right up there. But everyone has a brain, and every brain is slightly different. Still, we can all learn to do what we need to do. We are all good at finding ways at doing what we want to do, under pressure we can do what is necessary, unless we give ourselves an excuse.
It is also interesting to note that something like 94% of people taking medicine for ADD are in the U.S. of A. Is it something in the soil?
Well, I guess you can't blame your brain any more if you work is late and you watched re-runs of Cheers instead of getting it finished. You might have to tell everyone, including yourself, that you just didn't want to do it.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Back Again
So, i went away. I had a very busy week from January 16 to 20,including having to go to a funeral. Fortunately, this was the funeral of a friend's parent, and not of a friend. Those are getting closer, I know, but at least not yet.
Then I went away. Took off to the South to find some sea and sun. Being of this transitional age, we now have friends who are there when we get there. More and more of them are taking time, many are taking much more time than we are. They are either older, richer, or laid-off and letting it all go. So this trip was different. I usually go away with just my wife and maybe we will meet someone as we travel, as we have gotten good at stranger-travel conversation. I find that interesting to talk to people from other cultures, like Mississippi, which we did last year. Now we are meeting our own friends, and this time we meet with their friends, each of whom had brought along a friend.
So there we were, at one time there were more than a dozen of us; old wrinkled people, charming, well read, well intentioned, but certainly not as attractive as any of us once were. It's a shame. I realized how much I like to be with attractive people. It tinges things with a bit of excitement.
Now we talk about art and food and wine. (I don't like wine, I'm a beer or whiskey {not whisky} guy). These folks were very interesting, well read, well traveled, successful. We were way down at the Southern end of the country, but we all had lived most of our lives up here within a twenty mile radius of each other. Small world? His kid had played basketball for the same high school my kid played for, only four years earlier, but we had never met. They were business people, an artist, a writer,an editor, a couple of teachers.
But everyone was kind of a bit confused about what comes next. Do we just amuse ourselves, or can we find a way to help the world do a little better. We all agreed that it certainly needed the help. No one was particularly asking for out help, except to send checks. But all of us were amazed and disturbed to see that how the people who want to be leaders are so full of fury, venom and destruction. Any talk of compromise or conciliation at any level, from the neighborhood to between two nations, was only seen as a sign of weakness.
I am back now, dealing with 18 messages, six new people in the middle of crises, with fewer people offering any way out. I won't be taking time off again for a while.
Then I went away. Took off to the South to find some sea and sun. Being of this transitional age, we now have friends who are there when we get there. More and more of them are taking time, many are taking much more time than we are. They are either older, richer, or laid-off and letting it all go. So this trip was different. I usually go away with just my wife and maybe we will meet someone as we travel, as we have gotten good at stranger-travel conversation. I find that interesting to talk to people from other cultures, like Mississippi, which we did last year. Now we are meeting our own friends, and this time we meet with their friends, each of whom had brought along a friend.
So there we were, at one time there were more than a dozen of us; old wrinkled people, charming, well read, well intentioned, but certainly not as attractive as any of us once were. It's a shame. I realized how much I like to be with attractive people. It tinges things with a bit of excitement.
Now we talk about art and food and wine. (I don't like wine, I'm a beer or whiskey {not whisky} guy). These folks were very interesting, well read, well traveled, successful. We were way down at the Southern end of the country, but we all had lived most of our lives up here within a twenty mile radius of each other. Small world? His kid had played basketball for the same high school my kid played for, only four years earlier, but we had never met. They were business people, an artist, a writer,an editor, a couple of teachers.
But everyone was kind of a bit confused about what comes next. Do we just amuse ourselves, or can we find a way to help the world do a little better. We all agreed that it certainly needed the help. No one was particularly asking for out help, except to send checks. But all of us were amazed and disturbed to see that how the people who want to be leaders are so full of fury, venom and destruction. Any talk of compromise or conciliation at any level, from the neighborhood to between two nations, was only seen as a sign of weakness.
I am back now, dealing with 18 messages, six new people in the middle of crises, with fewer people offering any way out. I won't be taking time off again for a while.
Friday, January 13, 2012
30 1/2
With the readjustment of my schedule, plus the introduction of two beautiful granddaughters into my world, there has been a big shift in my life. I have three and a half work days followed by three and a half days with little or no work.
The two worlds are radically different. Often, on a day that I am not working, even the idea of having to make a phone call seems like such an intrusion. I have to gear up, rearrange my mind and actively remember how to do it. On the days that I do work I am up two hours earlier. I stretch faithfully, I join the flow of heavy traffic and I am deeply immersed in the world.
Wednesday of this week was one of those work days that were the original inspiration for me to begin this blog. It seemed as if the whole world, in its many variations was parading into my office. I had ten consecutive hours of appointments, each unique and totally different that the previous. It was well after 7 PM, when I cleaned off my desk, and realized that my impression of the day was totally Fellini-esque. 8 1/2 all over.
Most of you are too young to have experienced 8 1/2 at it's original time. The movie is perfect and marvelously done, yet has not real plot, makes little sense, and it may or may not mean what you think. The images are still so memorable and grab that sense of how life is, at those times when life overwhelming and incomprehensible. From the first scene of being trapped in a traffic jam and having a panic attack alone in car, to the end, the parade of the characters, it was an exact description of the feeling of last Wednesday.
The clowns, the acrobats, the jugglers, the beautiful women, the painted women, the fretting businessmen, the sad wives, the lost unfaithful husbands, and the director who is searching, searching for an underlying theme.
That is what I do after a day like that. I still do it after thirty years of doing therapy.
Who are these people? How did they get like this? What can I do for them?
and then, a the meta-level--
Why is the world like this? Why do people do these things to each other? If, as many of my patients say, "everything happens for a reason" why is it that I don't see the reason---
except to continue on, searching for the reason. Or ,as the Guido character in the movie says: "I have nothing to say, but I want to say it."
I stopped on the way home that night and bought a pizza. The next morning I was back in the office. A woman came in and told me how she was proud that she has been making progress. She has recycled six (out of 12 -- probably really 30) clean, empty plastic orange juice bottles that could have had be re-used many times for many purposes.
She did it, but then she cried.
Change is difficult.
Reality is hard to define.
The two worlds are radically different. Often, on a day that I am not working, even the idea of having to make a phone call seems like such an intrusion. I have to gear up, rearrange my mind and actively remember how to do it. On the days that I do work I am up two hours earlier. I stretch faithfully, I join the flow of heavy traffic and I am deeply immersed in the world.
Wednesday of this week was one of those work days that were the original inspiration for me to begin this blog. It seemed as if the whole world, in its many variations was parading into my office. I had ten consecutive hours of appointments, each unique and totally different that the previous. It was well after 7 PM, when I cleaned off my desk, and realized that my impression of the day was totally Fellini-esque. 8 1/2 all over.
Most of you are too young to have experienced 8 1/2 at it's original time. The movie is perfect and marvelously done, yet has not real plot, makes little sense, and it may or may not mean what you think. The images are still so memorable and grab that sense of how life is, at those times when life overwhelming and incomprehensible. From the first scene of being trapped in a traffic jam and having a panic attack alone in car, to the end, the parade of the characters, it was an exact description of the feeling of last Wednesday.
The clowns, the acrobats, the jugglers, the beautiful women, the painted women, the fretting businessmen, the sad wives, the lost unfaithful husbands, and the director who is searching, searching for an underlying theme.
That is what I do after a day like that. I still do it after thirty years of doing therapy.
Who are these people? How did they get like this? What can I do for them?
and then, a the meta-level--
Why is the world like this? Why do people do these things to each other? If, as many of my patients say, "everything happens for a reason" why is it that I don't see the reason---
except to continue on, searching for the reason. Or ,as the Guido character in the movie says: "I have nothing to say, but I want to say it."
I stopped on the way home that night and bought a pizza. The next morning I was back in the office. A woman came in and told me how she was proud that she has been making progress. She has recycled six (out of 12 -- probably really 30) clean, empty plastic orange juice bottles that could have had be re-used many times for many purposes.
She did it, but then she cried.
Change is difficult.
Reality is hard to define.
Saturday, January 07, 2012
Books 2
After sitting in a small comfortable room talking to people for roughly an hour at a time for thirty years, certain phrases become part of my repertoire. One thing that I often say to people who are in the middle of making some changes in their lives is this:
"You have to use the small part of you mind that is conscious to make sure you do what you want to be doing."
I am not a Freudian, so I am not saying that you have to overrule your Id, and repress you unconscious impulses. Although, in a different way I am.
What I really mean by the sentence I quoted above is described very well in the book Thinking, Fast and Slow, by Dr, Daniel Kahneman. He describes to types of thinking, one is fast, emotional, responsive and not subject to reflection. He calls this, cleverly, System 1. System 2, is what I deal with in therapy. Slow, contemplative, thinking about thinking, reasoning, more rational, planning.
System 1 is much more primitive and emotional. It is there to help us survive in a tough world. If we are going to catch food instead of be food we have to learn how to react quickly, using very little information to make decisions.
However, in the world we live in now, things are much more complex, and thankfully, more civilized. The people who do best are those who can see the longer-term consequences of their actions:
Getting angry and smacking someone is System 1. Getting angry and realizing that smacking someone will lead to bad things for them and for you, and thus learning to rephrase your argument so that you can negotiate with your adversary, is System 2.
As I said, learning to use System 2 is what therapy is all about.
In some ways I have been saying that in this blog. To publish a book these days it helps to have a "platform" to give you credibility. Dr. Kahneman won a Noble prize for this work. He has a bigger platform than I do. HIs book is easy to rad and helpful.
I think it's always helpful to think about what your thinking about, although it can get tiresome. Then you need to take a break and watch football.
"You have to use the small part of you mind that is conscious to make sure you do what you want to be doing."
I am not a Freudian, so I am not saying that you have to overrule your Id, and repress you unconscious impulses. Although, in a different way I am.
What I really mean by the sentence I quoted above is described very well in the book Thinking, Fast and Slow, by Dr, Daniel Kahneman. He describes to types of thinking, one is fast, emotional, responsive and not subject to reflection. He calls this, cleverly, System 1. System 2, is what I deal with in therapy. Slow, contemplative, thinking about thinking, reasoning, more rational, planning.
System 1 is much more primitive and emotional. It is there to help us survive in a tough world. If we are going to catch food instead of be food we have to learn how to react quickly, using very little information to make decisions.
However, in the world we live in now, things are much more complex, and thankfully, more civilized. The people who do best are those who can see the longer-term consequences of their actions:
Getting angry and smacking someone is System 1. Getting angry and realizing that smacking someone will lead to bad things for them and for you, and thus learning to rephrase your argument so that you can negotiate with your adversary, is System 2.
As I said, learning to use System 2 is what therapy is all about.
In some ways I have been saying that in this blog. To publish a book these days it helps to have a "platform" to give you credibility. Dr. Kahneman won a Noble prize for this work. He has a bigger platform than I do. HIs book is easy to rad and helpful.
I think it's always helpful to think about what your thinking about, although it can get tiresome. Then you need to take a break and watch football.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Books, (1)
Hey, Happy New Year.
I hope you're all well and had a good holiday week and now you're rested and ready to make this year, 2012, the best ever. Of course, we have one more day off tomorrow before we have to put in all that effort.
But this is it. This can be the best year ever. We know how to do it; we just don't agree.
Anyway, over the holiday I have not worked too much. Part of what I have been doing is reading, and two of the books are long, heavy, academic kind of things that interest me. I started one mystery and it was really well written, with good characters and a clever plot, but by the middle of it the events became either predictable or ridiculous. I'm not good at letting those things slide, so I went back to these somewhat ponderous academic books.
The first, which I will deal with briefly here, is Steven Pinker's "The Better Angels of Our Nature." He takes about 700 pages to make the point that we, humans, have become more caring and less violent over the last few centuries. In order to make his point he fills hundreds of pages of descriptions of the kinds of torture and gore, rape and slavery that were common for centuries. Most of that, he maintains, is either being eliminated or is at least frowned upon, when forever it was just part of human life.
The point he makes, which is a different stance for him, is that we are not genetically programmed to be violent and murderous. He shows how the growth of civilizations around the world have really served to civilize people. We now care about things that were never even considered as possible, such as equal right s for women, a punishment being too cruel and inhuman, not hanging people for robbery, racial equality, the right to a fair trial, democracy, and the big one, which really has just begun to take hold in the last fifty years, that wars are not worth the trouble, and that they can be avoided.
This is a major new idea, and for most people it just became even a discussion in the 1960s when a lot of soft, educated, rich Americans, like me, were willing to put reason ahead of patriotism to not get hurt. This had always been unheard of, and often resulted in executions.
Certainly, there are still many people who feel that anyone who is of a different race, and women and anyone who is different in any way: gay, foreign, Muslim, etc, is still basically inferior, and because of that they can be easily slaughtered. But that way of thinking, which was once so unquestioned, is now questioned almost all the time.
The biggest example I think, of Pinker's point, is that right now most of the developed world is in a big economic slump, and jobs and money are scarce all over the world. But no one is threatening to go to war over it. In the history of the world, that is something really new.
So, enjoy that idea, and Happy New Year. Let's work together to make it the best yet.
I hope you're all well and had a good holiday week and now you're rested and ready to make this year, 2012, the best ever. Of course, we have one more day off tomorrow before we have to put in all that effort.
But this is it. This can be the best year ever. We know how to do it; we just don't agree.
Anyway, over the holiday I have not worked too much. Part of what I have been doing is reading, and two of the books are long, heavy, academic kind of things that interest me. I started one mystery and it was really well written, with good characters and a clever plot, but by the middle of it the events became either predictable or ridiculous. I'm not good at letting those things slide, so I went back to these somewhat ponderous academic books.
The first, which I will deal with briefly here, is Steven Pinker's "The Better Angels of Our Nature." He takes about 700 pages to make the point that we, humans, have become more caring and less violent over the last few centuries. In order to make his point he fills hundreds of pages of descriptions of the kinds of torture and gore, rape and slavery that were common for centuries. Most of that, he maintains, is either being eliminated or is at least frowned upon, when forever it was just part of human life.
The point he makes, which is a different stance for him, is that we are not genetically programmed to be violent and murderous. He shows how the growth of civilizations around the world have really served to civilize people. We now care about things that were never even considered as possible, such as equal right s for women, a punishment being too cruel and inhuman, not hanging people for robbery, racial equality, the right to a fair trial, democracy, and the big one, which really has just begun to take hold in the last fifty years, that wars are not worth the trouble, and that they can be avoided.
This is a major new idea, and for most people it just became even a discussion in the 1960s when a lot of soft, educated, rich Americans, like me, were willing to put reason ahead of patriotism to not get hurt. This had always been unheard of, and often resulted in executions.
Certainly, there are still many people who feel that anyone who is of a different race, and women and anyone who is different in any way: gay, foreign, Muslim, etc, is still basically inferior, and because of that they can be easily slaughtered. But that way of thinking, which was once so unquestioned, is now questioned almost all the time.
The biggest example I think, of Pinker's point, is that right now most of the developed world is in a big economic slump, and jobs and money are scarce all over the world. But no one is threatening to go to war over it. In the history of the world, that is something really new.
So, enjoy that idea, and Happy New Year. Let's work together to make it the best yet.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmas Again
Christmas is rapidly fading into the darkness. We drove around looking for lights here in colonial New England. For the most part people are traditional, a candle (electric) in the window, with some lights, mostly white, around a tree in front. This year Home Depot, in addition to selling those wire reindeer must have put out strings of blue, green and purple lights, they seem to have caught on around here.
We came around a curve on one of the more traditional colonial neighborhoods and were suddenly rewarded by a four story house with what must be at least 30,000 lights. Not just lights, characters, ornaments, shapes and trees, and the best part was that each segment blinked on and off in some kind of random, blinding pattern that added to the celebratory chaos.
A quarter of my clients spend Christmas by themselves. Another 40% have to deal with difficult family situations, either choosing to see father or mother, or just plain old fashioned tension, due to constant criticism, rejection or something worse. But that leaves 35% who want to go home for the holiday. They see their parents and siblings and they feel refreshed, sustained, welcome and happy.
As you may have figured out by now, I am not the biggest fan of the religious aspects of anything. But I don't want to get into that now; just ask Michelle Bachmann and think the opposite. But I do believe that any occasion that makes people think for at least a minute about Peace, Love and Understanding is worth celebrating.
I hope everyone celebrated happily, and in their own way. I hope everyone got what they wanted from Sanity Clause.
We came around a curve on one of the more traditional colonial neighborhoods and were suddenly rewarded by a four story house with what must be at least 30,000 lights. Not just lights, characters, ornaments, shapes and trees, and the best part was that each segment blinked on and off in some kind of random, blinding pattern that added to the celebratory chaos.
A quarter of my clients spend Christmas by themselves. Another 40% have to deal with difficult family situations, either choosing to see father or mother, or just plain old fashioned tension, due to constant criticism, rejection or something worse. But that leaves 35% who want to go home for the holiday. They see their parents and siblings and they feel refreshed, sustained, welcome and happy.
As you may have figured out by now, I am not the biggest fan of the religious aspects of anything. But I don't want to get into that now; just ask Michelle Bachmann and think the opposite. But I do believe that any occasion that makes people think for at least a minute about Peace, Love and Understanding is worth celebrating.
I hope everyone celebrated happily, and in their own way. I hope everyone got what they wanted from Sanity Clause.
Monday, December 19, 2011
pushing buttons
I got to spend a bit of time with the one year-old. She is good natured, mobile, curious, adventurous, friendly and very quick to laugh. I guess you can tell that I like her. It's fun to be around someone with such enthusiasm.
We got her some blocks in a bucket. She picks the blocks off the floor and throws them into the bucket (mostly). The she crawls over, grabs the bucket and dumps it over. She laughs heartily.
But whenever she spots any electronic gadget she immediately heads for it. An iPhone, and iPad, the TV remote. She already knows those things have magic power. She has apps on the iPad. She pushes the screen and animals appear. She pushes it again they made noise. She laughs.
She does Facetime on the iPhone. She smiles into the screen and says "Hiiiii. " Then she grabs the phone, turns it over and turns it off. She laughs.
First I thought, this may not be good for a child. She will think that all she has to do is push a button and the world changes. Then I realized, it is good for her. That is the way the world works.
We got her some blocks in a bucket. She picks the blocks off the floor and throws them into the bucket (mostly). The she crawls over, grabs the bucket and dumps it over. She laughs heartily.
But whenever she spots any electronic gadget she immediately heads for it. An iPhone, and iPad, the TV remote. She already knows those things have magic power. She has apps on the iPad. She pushes the screen and animals appear. She pushes it again they made noise. She laughs.
She does Facetime on the iPhone. She smiles into the screen and says "Hiiiii. " Then she grabs the phone, turns it over and turns it off. She laughs.
First I thought, this may not be good for a child. She will think that all she has to do is push a button and the world changes. Then I realized, it is good for her. That is the way the world works.
Thursday, December 08, 2011
sloppy
We went away, the wife and I. She said winter is coming, build your strength. She asked my daughter where to go, the one who has been everywhere, really, everywhere. She said, go here, it is the most beautiful, most far away, the most the way it should be place there is ( and pretty pricey ). So after a long week at work in which I tried to cram everyone in. I made nine phone calls in the last hour to arrange for everyone else. I rushed home and packed.
We went, and it was. The turquoise bays, the warm water, the sloops bobbing up and down. This place was quiet, isolated, with nothing but water. No TV, no music, no radio, no telephones, no golf; nothing but a perfect setting and fine food with people popping up, bringing everything, and then disappearing.
I talked to two men who live on the boats. One brought his wife, one left his behind. They go from island to island. They take pictures of the sunset. They ferry around the people who want to snorkel, or see other islands. They have escaped from the world.
Attractive? I didn't think I could do it, to just drift along, and let the rest of the world make idiots of themselves over taxes, entitlements and financial derivitives.
The trip home was exhausting. I got home and received twelve messages. Three people were yelling, two were crying. One of the yellers was from one of my patients who I had called just before I left. She was the eighth of ten calls. She called back screaming and swearing at me. Apparently in my haste and exhaustion, by the time I reached my eighth phone call I was too rushed, too flip and not all that professional. I thought I was rearranging her appointment as she had hoped, she thought I had insulted her.
She is a delicate, accomplished woman. We had done a lot together to deal with her anxieties that came with the constant quest for achievement against belittling men in a difficult field. Now it seems that one slightly misguided remark had huge unintended consequences. She screamed and swore; she vowed never to talk to me again and that I shouldn't try to contact her.
Now, she did have a right to be upset; I was a bit too flip, but really, what bothered me was that after all the work we did, she was just going to scream and retreat. If she was going to quit and leave me because I treated her badly, (which I really didn't, and certainly didn't mean to) she should have learned how to confront me, deal with it, let me acknowledge my mistake, and then either get over it and accept an apology, or walk away knowing she made a point.
But she didn't do that, so now I have to deal with it as I can, as it isn't ethical to just let her vanish without some kind of follow-up. It will be frustrating. She was a really fascinating person to work with too, so I will miss her.
So, I went home and told my wife that if we sell the house, we could get a really nice boat, and still have enough money to wander through the islands, rum in hand, for a long time.
Except I don't know how to sale, and she doesn't do well if the water gets choppy.
We went, and it was. The turquoise bays, the warm water, the sloops bobbing up and down. This place was quiet, isolated, with nothing but water. No TV, no music, no radio, no telephones, no golf; nothing but a perfect setting and fine food with people popping up, bringing everything, and then disappearing.
I talked to two men who live on the boats. One brought his wife, one left his behind. They go from island to island. They take pictures of the sunset. They ferry around the people who want to snorkel, or see other islands. They have escaped from the world.
Attractive? I didn't think I could do it, to just drift along, and let the rest of the world make idiots of themselves over taxes, entitlements and financial derivitives.
The trip home was exhausting. I got home and received twelve messages. Three people were yelling, two were crying. One of the yellers was from one of my patients who I had called just before I left. She was the eighth of ten calls. She called back screaming and swearing at me. Apparently in my haste and exhaustion, by the time I reached my eighth phone call I was too rushed, too flip and not all that professional. I thought I was rearranging her appointment as she had hoped, she thought I had insulted her.
She is a delicate, accomplished woman. We had done a lot together to deal with her anxieties that came with the constant quest for achievement against belittling men in a difficult field. Now it seems that one slightly misguided remark had huge unintended consequences. She screamed and swore; she vowed never to talk to me again and that I shouldn't try to contact her.
Now, she did have a right to be upset; I was a bit too flip, but really, what bothered me was that after all the work we did, she was just going to scream and retreat. If she was going to quit and leave me because I treated her badly, (which I really didn't, and certainly didn't mean to) she should have learned how to confront me, deal with it, let me acknowledge my mistake, and then either get over it and accept an apology, or walk away knowing she made a point.
But she didn't do that, so now I have to deal with it as I can, as it isn't ethical to just let her vanish without some kind of follow-up. It will be frustrating. She was a really fascinating person to work with too, so I will miss her.
So, I went home and told my wife that if we sell the house, we could get a really nice boat, and still have enough money to wander through the islands, rum in hand, for a long time.
Except I don't know how to sale, and she doesn't do well if the water gets choppy.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sucked inot the Internet 2
Hey, I was home today. It was a gift of a warm day and we went for a nice walk around the lake two towns away. I also got new tires for when it gets cold and snows. The rest of the time I spent "working" from home.
So many of my patients, especially the men, but not only men, many of whom are unemployed, underemployed or have never worked a full month in their lives spent time like this, sucked into the Internet. The day can pass quickly, seamlessly. I learn about things I never thought about. I looked at things that I always think about. I read book reviews, movie reviews, stock reviews, politcal garbage and sports reports. I read your blogs and now I'm writing on my blog.
We are all part of a world that was unknown ten years ago and is overwhelming now. The input is constant and addicting. If you stay away fro three hours then you begin to feel the world has changed and you're missing it.
I can't tell if the world is changing or if it is all a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. (catchy phrase that one).
But it certainly takes up time, and a lot of emotional space.
Tomorrow I will return to my office and sit with people, facing em, listening to them, watching them cry and laugh and breathe, and for almost an hour they will have my entire attention I will have theirs. That's something special in the world we have today.
No wonder there is such a demand.
No wonder insurance companies don't want to pay for it. So low-tch, so unmeasurable, so unaccountable, unreliable, unstructured and open-ended.
Yet, for so many conditions, it is the best treatment.
That's why I write about it on the Internet.
So many of my patients, especially the men, but not only men, many of whom are unemployed, underemployed or have never worked a full month in their lives spent time like this, sucked into the Internet. The day can pass quickly, seamlessly. I learn about things I never thought about. I looked at things that I always think about. I read book reviews, movie reviews, stock reviews, politcal garbage and sports reports. I read your blogs and now I'm writing on my blog.
We are all part of a world that was unknown ten years ago and is overwhelming now. The input is constant and addicting. If you stay away fro three hours then you begin to feel the world has changed and you're missing it.
I can't tell if the world is changing or if it is all a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. (catchy phrase that one).
But it certainly takes up time, and a lot of emotional space.
Tomorrow I will return to my office and sit with people, facing em, listening to them, watching them cry and laugh and breathe, and for almost an hour they will have my entire attention I will have theirs. That's something special in the world we have today.
No wonder there is such a demand.
No wonder insurance companies don't want to pay for it. So low-tch, so unmeasurable, so unaccountable, unreliable, unstructured and open-ended.
Yet, for so many conditions, it is the best treatment.
That's why I write about it on the Internet.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thankful
Tonight he is sitting by himself watching TV. The big picture window now looks out into absolute darkness. Perhaps there are a few lights twinkling on the hillside across the late, but they are far away and difficult to see. Tomorrow morning when the sun comes up he will be able to look across the water at the green hills and the taller mountains behind them. He will make some coffee and sit alone, waiting for his son and daughter to come and join him. He has not been able to have them over for a Thanksgiving meal for ten years.
He is divorced from their mother for about fifteen years. He ran through about thirty women since then. Mostly he ran through about 1000 bottles of Jack Daniels and a couple of pounds of cocaine. That all ended him up in jail as the result of several incidents that he has no memory of being a part of, but that doesn't mean they didn't happen. He realizes that being in prison saved his life. Three years, four months, twelve days.
He's been clean and sober ever since. He has a job now, doing what he knows how to do. At first he went back to the woman who waited for him; the woman he loved in high school, the woman he was with on and off when he was married. But somehow she wasn't that interested in him when he was sober, working, and trying to be stable.
Thankfully, he chose being sober, working and stable instead of great sex and good times. He has run away from six other women during the three years since he was set free.
He found this place. He pays the rent. He breathes deeply and looks at the mist rising from the lake. Tomorrow morning he will put a turkey in the oven and know what thankful means.
I hope everyone else can enjoy the holiday too.
He is divorced from their mother for about fifteen years. He ran through about thirty women since then. Mostly he ran through about 1000 bottles of Jack Daniels and a couple of pounds of cocaine. That all ended him up in jail as the result of several incidents that he has no memory of being a part of, but that doesn't mean they didn't happen. He realizes that being in prison saved his life. Three years, four months, twelve days.
He's been clean and sober ever since. He has a job now, doing what he knows how to do. At first he went back to the woman who waited for him; the woman he loved in high school, the woman he was with on and off when he was married. But somehow she wasn't that interested in him when he was sober, working, and trying to be stable.
Thankfully, he chose being sober, working and stable instead of great sex and good times. He has run away from six other women during the three years since he was set free.
He found this place. He pays the rent. He breathes deeply and looks at the mist rising from the lake. Tomorrow morning he will put a turkey in the oven and know what thankful means.
I hope everyone else can enjoy the holiday too.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
It's a blur
I can no longer tell the difference between sports, at all levels, The Republican Presidential debates, and Dancing with the Stars. It seems like it is all the same people doing the same things.
Is that Hamid Karzai dancing with Khloe Kardashian?
Is that Michelle Bachmann pitching to Chad Ochocinco?
Who can tell?
Is that Hamid Karzai dancing with Khloe Kardashian?
Is that Michelle Bachmann pitching to Chad Ochocinco?
Who can tell?
Sunday, November 13, 2011
something to worry about
Shelia was referred to me after she spent a night in an ER, with a bad panic attack. She is twenty-seven ears old, and her mother came with her to explain two things that she wasn't sure her daughter would tell me. The first was that when Shelia was nine they thought she was going to die from meningitis. Then, ten years later she was in a car that crashed into a pole, but she had a seat-belt on, and except of slight burns and scrapes she was not hurt. The driver broke about seventeen bones and was in the hospital for months. Her mother said that Shelia had spoken about each of these things once.
It took less than thirty seconds for Shelia to begin to tell me about these two incidents, and then several others that her mother didn't know about. She had gotten drunk and fallen off a roof. She had skied off cliffs, and had done several other dangerous things, clearly not caring about the chances of survival. She knows she had the panic attack when she learned that her friend's mother was diagnosed with cancer. She feels that another person is going to die. Everyone will die.
Shelia told me that although no one said anything to her, she knew when she was in the hospital when she was nine that everyone expected her to die. She has expected to die ever since then. Every night when she tries to go to sleep she is afraid to close her eyes because she is afraid she won't wake up. She told me that they love her at work because work distracts her and if she stops to think about anything else she wonders when she is going to die, so she works hard every minute.
Why bother to live when you're just going to die? For Shelia, that question always hangs there.
She is quite an attractive young woman but she has never dated anyone seriously because she feels like she will die and leave them soon. "Life is kind of useless isn't it? You live for a while, and then you die, so why put all that effort into doing all this stuff?
She told me that she knows she should have developed an appreciation for life. She knows she is lucky to have so many chances. But she doesn't feel that way. She feels as if she has only delayed the inevitable.
I told her that I know how scared she is, but next I said that I know what's even worse is how lonely she is. Then she just cried.
We have a lot of work to do, because I really can't answer a lot of those questions, but at least we have made a start.
It took less than thirty seconds for Shelia to begin to tell me about these two incidents, and then several others that her mother didn't know about. She had gotten drunk and fallen off a roof. She had skied off cliffs, and had done several other dangerous things, clearly not caring about the chances of survival. She knows she had the panic attack when she learned that her friend's mother was diagnosed with cancer. She feels that another person is going to die. Everyone will die.
Shelia told me that although no one said anything to her, she knew when she was in the hospital when she was nine that everyone expected her to die. She has expected to die ever since then. Every night when she tries to go to sleep she is afraid to close her eyes because she is afraid she won't wake up. She told me that they love her at work because work distracts her and if she stops to think about anything else she wonders when she is going to die, so she works hard every minute.
Why bother to live when you're just going to die? For Shelia, that question always hangs there.
She is quite an attractive young woman but she has never dated anyone seriously because she feels like she will die and leave them soon. "Life is kind of useless isn't it? You live for a while, and then you die, so why put all that effort into doing all this stuff?
She told me that she knows she should have developed an appreciation for life. She knows she is lucky to have so many chances. But she doesn't feel that way. She feels as if she has only delayed the inevitable.
I told her that I know how scared she is, but next I said that I know what's even worse is how lonely she is. Then she just cried.
We have a lot of work to do, because I really can't answer a lot of those questions, but at least we have made a start.
Friday, November 11, 2011
11-11-11
Today is 11-11-11. I have several clients going to weddings that will happen on this mystical day.
The original 11-11-11 was in 1918. It was the day and time to mark the end of hostilities on the Western Front between France and Germany.
It was the end of the War to End All Wars.
It certainly isn't fashionable, but the best I can say is "Sure, Thanks, Whatever."
It didn't end all wars. We aren't saved, things got worse. Perhaps in the last thirty years things have gotten a little better, but not that much.
I am not really grateful for the men and women who died, and the millions more whose lives were ruined and disrupted. I am very sad and sympathetic.
War is a waste. It always was, always will be. The poor and the foolish die to keep the rich and powerful rich and powerful.
Yes, there are crazies out there now who want to randomly disrupt and even kill innocent people in this country. There are also rich and powerful people in other countries who want to get an advantage on the rich and powerful people in our country. It is now, and always has been a blunt and heavy-handed way to gain an advantage for resources, money, energy, and sometimes sex. Often religion has been thrown in to raise the passions and confuse the situations even more.
All I can say is that if I had lost any of my kids, or even myself, fighting in some stupid war, especially something like Vietnam, Iraq or Afghanistan, or really any of them,
I would really be pissed.
So, if you really want to help all the folks in our armed forces: End the Wars.
Saturday, November 05, 2011
From the Left and the Right
This is what I have learned from working in a working class mill city: Everyone is right, everyone is wrong. Or, once again, things are complex; too complex for our political system to handle.
Recently I've begun to see a new patient, Ray (not his real name). He's 23 years old (no he isn't, but let's say he is). He is from one of the local minorities; we have many different minority groups in this city. He came to me because he almost lost his temper and beat-up his cousin. His cousin, who was strung out on various drugs, was pushing his girlfriend around and calling her a whore. The cousin and his girlfriend already have a baby. They live off the money she gets from the state to pay for the child. They don't do much else. They don't seem to want to.
Ray lies with his mother, who works at the big chain store. His father is in NYC somewhere. His father comes home about three times a year. Ray dropped out of H.S. One day when he was bored he signed up to take his GED. He passed it all that day. Ray works, making $8.50 an hour cleaning up a pizza restaurant. He wants to go to college but he doesn't have the money. Two of his sisters already went to college. One is an LPN and works in a nursing home. The other got pregnant, dropped out, and owes about $15,000 in student loans that she will never pay. Ray isn't sure that going to college will help get him a job that will allow him to pay back the money he needs to go.
The politicians on the right say that giving money to poor folk to pay for college is a huge waste of money. Many of them drop out, or get ripped-off by these on-line private schools, or private trade schools. They say government programs waste enough money. They have a point.
The politicians on the left say that the only real way out of poverty, and to get Americans working again, is through education. $8.50 an hour won't pay for a car, not to mention a wife, a kid, a house. People need an education, a good education, life skills, job skills, thinking and problem solving skills.
I say, don't give or lend people money, make college free. Sate colleges should be totally free. They should also raise their standards so that when people graduate they not only know something, they know a lot. There should be free remedial programs for those who do not have the skills for college.
The money for those colleges should come from taxes. Everyone should pay taxes. It's like investing in our country. If you have, you should give. If you take, you should pay back.
But what if you're lazy? But what if you're crazy?
Recently I've begun to see a new patient, Ray (not his real name). He's 23 years old (no he isn't, but let's say he is). He is from one of the local minorities; we have many different minority groups in this city. He came to me because he almost lost his temper and beat-up his cousin. His cousin, who was strung out on various drugs, was pushing his girlfriend around and calling her a whore. The cousin and his girlfriend already have a baby. They live off the money she gets from the state to pay for the child. They don't do much else. They don't seem to want to.
Ray lies with his mother, who works at the big chain store. His father is in NYC somewhere. His father comes home about three times a year. Ray dropped out of H.S. One day when he was bored he signed up to take his GED. He passed it all that day. Ray works, making $8.50 an hour cleaning up a pizza restaurant. He wants to go to college but he doesn't have the money. Two of his sisters already went to college. One is an LPN and works in a nursing home. The other got pregnant, dropped out, and owes about $15,000 in student loans that she will never pay. Ray isn't sure that going to college will help get him a job that will allow him to pay back the money he needs to go.
The politicians on the right say that giving money to poor folk to pay for college is a huge waste of money. Many of them drop out, or get ripped-off by these on-line private schools, or private trade schools. They say government programs waste enough money. They have a point.
The politicians on the left say that the only real way out of poverty, and to get Americans working again, is through education. $8.50 an hour won't pay for a car, not to mention a wife, a kid, a house. People need an education, a good education, life skills, job skills, thinking and problem solving skills.
I say, don't give or lend people money, make college free. Sate colleges should be totally free. They should also raise their standards so that when people graduate they not only know something, they know a lot. There should be free remedial programs for those who do not have the skills for college.
The money for those colleges should come from taxes. Everyone should pay taxes. It's like investing in our country. If you have, you should give. If you take, you should pay back.
But what if you're lazy? But what if you're crazy?
Monday, October 31, 2011
Nature's tricks
Tis All Hallows Night, the evening to celebrate the dead and dying. Most of the snow is gone from around here, and my neighbors all have their power on, although that can't be said for many of those fifteen miles away. That's just one of Nature's tricks.
As the sun began to slip away I pulled on my black sweats, pulled my too-big black hoodie over up head, pulling the strings on the hood so it comes down over my eyes, then I set out to walk the neighborhood as the Emperor from Star Wars, one of the best known movie villains. I didn't bother to get one of those white plastic scream masks, the craggy lines and furrows in my face from more than thirty years of listening to misery are enough to frighten any six year-old.
Now I have returned and I wait for them to come to me, the princesses, witches, many various animals and super heroes. I don't know if it will be a busy year. There were lots of parties scheduled for Saturday but the storm blew them all away.
I appreciated being able to take a brisk walk, emperor or not. The most difficult patients for me to deal with are the ones who are sent to me to help find a away to keep them going and hopeful, even when movement is very difficult and hope is draining away fast. I am seeing several people who are in tough physical shape. Cancers, which may or may not be treatable, degenerative bone diseases, MS, Parkinson's, crushed vertebrae, or missing limbs. I also have a couple of parents of children who have complex medical problems.
I talk to them; I listen to them. We try to find other things to think about, ways to lessen some of the tension, to avoid some of the pain.
What makes the task more complex is that so often the treatments for many of these problems are often the causes of other problems, and the treatments for the secondary problems can also create new problems.
I don't want to blame doctors or medicine because many of the new treatments are truly amazing, and many people are alive today, and healthy, who would have suffered and died ten years ago.
But the medicines are often so strong, and almost everyone reacts differently. People get dizzy and fall down, and break things. People become terribly allergic and break out in painful rashes, or hives. People can't digest food while taking certain medications and they lose weight or throw-up and then they find that they can never eat certain foods again. People get scars from radiation. People gain weight from many pills, others develop neuropathy, or other auto-immune diseases. What is worse is that it seems that once people develop sensitivities they become increasingly sensitive to almost anything and everything.
Seems like one of those tricks of Nature.
So I just keep walking. Walking and whistling in the dark.
As the sun began to slip away I pulled on my black sweats, pulled my too-big black hoodie over up head, pulling the strings on the hood so it comes down over my eyes, then I set out to walk the neighborhood as the Emperor from Star Wars, one of the best known movie villains. I didn't bother to get one of those white plastic scream masks, the craggy lines and furrows in my face from more than thirty years of listening to misery are enough to frighten any six year-old.
Now I have returned and I wait for them to come to me, the princesses, witches, many various animals and super heroes. I don't know if it will be a busy year. There were lots of parties scheduled for Saturday but the storm blew them all away.
I appreciated being able to take a brisk walk, emperor or not. The most difficult patients for me to deal with are the ones who are sent to me to help find a away to keep them going and hopeful, even when movement is very difficult and hope is draining away fast. I am seeing several people who are in tough physical shape. Cancers, which may or may not be treatable, degenerative bone diseases, MS, Parkinson's, crushed vertebrae, or missing limbs. I also have a couple of parents of children who have complex medical problems.
I talk to them; I listen to them. We try to find other things to think about, ways to lessen some of the tension, to avoid some of the pain.
What makes the task more complex is that so often the treatments for many of these problems are often the causes of other problems, and the treatments for the secondary problems can also create new problems.
I don't want to blame doctors or medicine because many of the new treatments are truly amazing, and many people are alive today, and healthy, who would have suffered and died ten years ago.
But the medicines are often so strong, and almost everyone reacts differently. People get dizzy and fall down, and break things. People become terribly allergic and break out in painful rashes, or hives. People can't digest food while taking certain medications and they lose weight or throw-up and then they find that they can never eat certain foods again. People get scars from radiation. People gain weight from many pills, others develop neuropathy, or other auto-immune diseases. What is worse is that it seems that once people develop sensitivities they become increasingly sensitive to almost anything and everything.
Seems like one of those tricks of Nature.
So I just keep walking. Walking and whistling in the dark.
Monday, October 24, 2011
N.B. +
Nota bene: I have been blogging here, not too feverishly, for about three years. After about six months I got a flurry of questions about the ethics and confidentiality of what I was doing. I think many of them came from pastoral counseling students. I think I reassured them, as I will try to do again, that I am very aware of the importance of confidentiality as a part of therapy. I believe that any patient must feel that anything they say to me will not be revealed to anyone. I inform them of the very few exceptions, such as imminent danger to themselves or others.
I don't think any of my clients could point to anything I write and say "that's me." Although I hope they could say, "that could be about me." I write her to attempt to sort out themes. The theme for me in the last post was partly about how sad it is when someone feels so battered that they choose to retreat from the world. But the other part was about the limits of my influence as a psychotherapist. I can only influence anyone so much. I have come to believe that people cannot, and should not try to do what they are not ready to do. And, they may never get ready, because what I may see as possibilities for them may be something that they will never be interested in doing.
I know that one of my faults as a therapist is to set goals for people that are often different from anything they ever envisioned themselves doing. For many of my clients I have some idea that, if they have not already done so, they should go to college, open their own business, and be in enriching, mutually beneficial relationships. Now realize, I never verbalize that, and I often can see that those are not things that many people expect, or want to do.
The point is that I feel no one should be limited by anxiety, worry. loss, depression, self-doubt, rotten parenting, or any other emotional difficulty. --- There was even that story on the front page of Sunday's NYT that told of a schizophrenic woman who built her own business to keep her psychic demons in check.
Not everyone feels that they can, or want to pull themselves together to the degree that I would like to see. I have to honor that.
And I won't name any names.
I don't think any of my clients could point to anything I write and say "that's me." Although I hope they could say, "that could be about me." I write her to attempt to sort out themes. The theme for me in the last post was partly about how sad it is when someone feels so battered that they choose to retreat from the world. But the other part was about the limits of my influence as a psychotherapist. I can only influence anyone so much. I have come to believe that people cannot, and should not try to do what they are not ready to do. And, they may never get ready, because what I may see as possibilities for them may be something that they will never be interested in doing.
I know that one of my faults as a therapist is to set goals for people that are often different from anything they ever envisioned themselves doing. For many of my clients I have some idea that, if they have not already done so, they should go to college, open their own business, and be in enriching, mutually beneficial relationships. Now realize, I never verbalize that, and I often can see that those are not things that many people expect, or want to do.
The point is that I feel no one should be limited by anxiety, worry. loss, depression, self-doubt, rotten parenting, or any other emotional difficulty. --- There was even that story on the front page of Sunday's NYT that told of a schizophrenic woman who built her own business to keep her psychic demons in check.
Not everyone feels that they can, or want to pull themselves together to the degree that I would like to see. I have to honor that.
And I won't name any names.
Friday, October 21, 2011
not my choice
I have written about GR here a while ago. She had lost her long-time boyfriend, who was married to another woman, when he died under suspicious circumstances. That was over a year ago.
GR is a very intelligent woman who has had emotional difficulties since childhood. It was not that she was born with deficits or neurological problems, she was just born into the wrong family. Her mother was a religious fanatic, a hoarder, and used her kids to clean and cook. Her father drank too much, and tried to put his hands in the wrong places. GR and her sister went off in opposite directions at adolescence. Her older sister was out-going, thrill seeking and friendly. By the time she was seventeen she had been having sex with two different men a week. Now, fifteen years later, she probably still does.
GR, in contrast, has had two lovers in her life. One got her pregnant. When her son was about five, and GR was home alone and drinking, her mother called protective services and had the boy taken away. The mother took custody mostly so she could collect a check from the state. It took GR about seven years, and all kinds of treatment letters and programs to prove to enough people that she was competent, and she was able to get the boy back.
At one time, in high school, just to see if she could, GR decided to study. She got all"A"s that year and was ranked fourth in her class. No one at home noticed or cared, so she gave it up, as not worth the effort. Twelve years later, while she was seeing me, as part of the process of regaining custody of her son, she went back to college. Again, she did very well for one semester. But then her boyfriend died, and she gave it up.
Now she has given almost everything up. Her son is with her and he is doing OK, not great, in high school. She is on disability because of her chronic depression and OCD. She gets some support for her housing and food stamps. She knows how to scrape by with very little money. She encourages her son to do well in school, make friends, and participate. He seems to be doing that.
She isn't. She leaves the house once a week to shop, and one time every-other week to see me. Otherwise she doesn't want to have anything to do with anyone. She is on an Internet chat list for mothers of adolescents. She plays games on Facebook, but doesn't correspond with anyone. She reads a lot and works out on the floor to videos. She has no idea how long this self-imposed isolation will last.
She tells me that she is not as depressed as she has often been. She gets up everyday and takes care of herself and her son. She sees her current lifestyle as a choice, not a symptom. She knows there is the possibility of a richer, more active, more interesting life, but she really feels there is a greater possibility of more losses, rejection, emotional pain, and of being exploited.
It's not worth the effort, she says. It's not worth the risk.
It's her choice, not mine, but for now I have to honor it.
GR is a very intelligent woman who has had emotional difficulties since childhood. It was not that she was born with deficits or neurological problems, she was just born into the wrong family. Her mother was a religious fanatic, a hoarder, and used her kids to clean and cook. Her father drank too much, and tried to put his hands in the wrong places. GR and her sister went off in opposite directions at adolescence. Her older sister was out-going, thrill seeking and friendly. By the time she was seventeen she had been having sex with two different men a week. Now, fifteen years later, she probably still does.
GR, in contrast, has had two lovers in her life. One got her pregnant. When her son was about five, and GR was home alone and drinking, her mother called protective services and had the boy taken away. The mother took custody mostly so she could collect a check from the state. It took GR about seven years, and all kinds of treatment letters and programs to prove to enough people that she was competent, and she was able to get the boy back.
At one time, in high school, just to see if she could, GR decided to study. She got all"A"s that year and was ranked fourth in her class. No one at home noticed or cared, so she gave it up, as not worth the effort. Twelve years later, while she was seeing me, as part of the process of regaining custody of her son, she went back to college. Again, she did very well for one semester. But then her boyfriend died, and she gave it up.
Now she has given almost everything up. Her son is with her and he is doing OK, not great, in high school. She is on disability because of her chronic depression and OCD. She gets some support for her housing and food stamps. She knows how to scrape by with very little money. She encourages her son to do well in school, make friends, and participate. He seems to be doing that.
She isn't. She leaves the house once a week to shop, and one time every-other week to see me. Otherwise she doesn't want to have anything to do with anyone. She is on an Internet chat list for mothers of adolescents. She plays games on Facebook, but doesn't correspond with anyone. She reads a lot and works out on the floor to videos. She has no idea how long this self-imposed isolation will last.
She tells me that she is not as depressed as she has often been. She gets up everyday and takes care of herself and her son. She sees her current lifestyle as a choice, not a symptom. She knows there is the possibility of a richer, more active, more interesting life, but she really feels there is a greater possibility of more losses, rejection, emotional pain, and of being exploited.
It's not worth the effort, she says. It's not worth the risk.
It's her choice, not mine, but for now I have to honor it.
Monday, October 17, 2011
More examples
The economic conditions have caused a lot of stress, anxiety, depression, feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, inadequacy and anger. These things are pretty obvious, but they are very detrimental to individuals and families.
As I said yesterday, my practice in this industrial city, is an indication of what is going on in the country. Five years ago I had several cases of couples coming in big SUVs, they were having alcohol and recreational drug problems, and sneaking off with their friends' husbands and wives. Several of the women were even flaunting their newer, bigger breasts. It was all with money they took got from remortgaging their homes.
Now, several of them are back, having lost the home, and at least one of the jobs. The crash has been devastating. They feel cheated, as they were only doing what the world was telling them to do, which was to pump up the economy.
Of the couples who have come back, most of them have figured out a way to stop blaming each other and pull together. That is good to see. It can really be a step-up, away from the foolishness and craziness. People are finally learning that having credit is not the same as having money. If the pain and suffering last a year or two I am sure the lesson will really sink in. If they manage to get a new job within about six months they may think they are brilliant and can get away with anything. Very few people really learn to plan, I think we are still short-term hunters and have to eat as much meat as we can before it rots.
There are many other ways that this economy is making people suffer, especially people in their early twenties, who have student loans and $12 jobs. They are lost and know they can't afford a marriage and a family. They drink beer and watch movies at home.
It seems as if the answer will have to come from local communities. People will have to learn to think small, not look to big government or big corporations who will not hire. They will have to find ways to trade with each other, build a community that keeps services and money flowing amongst themselves.
I see some signs of it among people who have lost jobs more than a year ago and realize they have to figure something out for themselves, something different. They now have cleaning businesses, repair businesses, cooking businesses, very basic stuff.
The older workers, from their mid-fifties up, make these kinds of transitions with a lot more difficulty. They do not welcome the challenge of starting over. They feel they have already deal with enough challenges.
But this is America in the New Millennium. We have been trained not to care.
As I said yesterday, my practice in this industrial city, is an indication of what is going on in the country. Five years ago I had several cases of couples coming in big SUVs, they were having alcohol and recreational drug problems, and sneaking off with their friends' husbands and wives. Several of the women were even flaunting their newer, bigger breasts. It was all with money they took got from remortgaging their homes.
Now, several of them are back, having lost the home, and at least one of the jobs. The crash has been devastating. They feel cheated, as they were only doing what the world was telling them to do, which was to pump up the economy.
Of the couples who have come back, most of them have figured out a way to stop blaming each other and pull together. That is good to see. It can really be a step-up, away from the foolishness and craziness. People are finally learning that having credit is not the same as having money. If the pain and suffering last a year or two I am sure the lesson will really sink in. If they manage to get a new job within about six months they may think they are brilliant and can get away with anything. Very few people really learn to plan, I think we are still short-term hunters and have to eat as much meat as we can before it rots.
There are many other ways that this economy is making people suffer, especially people in their early twenties, who have student loans and $12 jobs. They are lost and know they can't afford a marriage and a family. They drink beer and watch movies at home.
It seems as if the answer will have to come from local communities. People will have to learn to think small, not look to big government or big corporations who will not hire. They will have to find ways to trade with each other, build a community that keeps services and money flowing amongst themselves.
I see some signs of it among people who have lost jobs more than a year ago and realize they have to figure something out for themselves, something different. They now have cleaning businesses, repair businesses, cooking businesses, very basic stuff.
The older workers, from their mid-fifties up, make these kinds of transitions with a lot more difficulty. They do not welcome the challenge of starting over. They feel they have already deal with enough challenges.
But this is America in the New Millennium. We have been trained not to care.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
More on tough times
It is often said these days that we are going through the worst economic times in seventy years. The world is suffering from the bursting of bubbles, greed, high stakes foolishness and the fall out from chasing false values.
Seventy years ago there was a brand new field of psychotherapy. Freud was still leading the charge, very few people got to experience any kind of treatment besides being locked away in insane asylums, and the treatment anyone received was either totally ineffectual or harmful.
When I was training as a therapist I was made aware that the incidence of "mental illness" among those with less money and fewer resources was much greater than for those who were better off. There was always a great discussion over which was cause and which was effect. I still was trained, and for the most part was able to focus my practice, in dealing with problems that could primarily be described by a psychiatric diagnosis. I have discussed in here how inaccurate and often misleading those diagnoses can be, but the point I want to make is that I felt that I was treating psychological and emotional problems. Many of these problems, I always felt, were the result of conflicts in a person's close interpersonal relationships. Anger, loss, rejection, neglect, shame, scorn and loneliness were many of the themes that often came up in therapy.
I still deal with mostly with those same issues, along with addictions, chronic anxiety, hopeless and powerlessness, real and perceived. But these days I feel that a lot of these feelings are secondary problems. The underlying causes are economic.
There were no private practices of psychotherapy in the 1930s. Today I feel we have to differentiate between what is a normal reaction to not being able to find a job, or any reliable source of income, and dealing with all the consequences that brings. Anger, helplessness, shame, stress, family strife, disappointment, embarrassment, feelings of self-depreciation are common, but they are not pathological. We need to find ways to treat and change these feelings, but the best treatment would be a job.
My office is in an industrial city that is a bellweather for the economy. In the 1990s there were business in this city that had to hire buses to bring workers in from a city twelve miles away. Now those bus drivers are out of work along with a long line of others.
I will give more specific examples of what this does to people, the community and everyone's outlook on the world next time.
Seventy years ago there was a brand new field of psychotherapy. Freud was still leading the charge, very few people got to experience any kind of treatment besides being locked away in insane asylums, and the treatment anyone received was either totally ineffectual or harmful.
When I was training as a therapist I was made aware that the incidence of "mental illness" among those with less money and fewer resources was much greater than for those who were better off. There was always a great discussion over which was cause and which was effect. I still was trained, and for the most part was able to focus my practice, in dealing with problems that could primarily be described by a psychiatric diagnosis. I have discussed in here how inaccurate and often misleading those diagnoses can be, but the point I want to make is that I felt that I was treating psychological and emotional problems. Many of these problems, I always felt, were the result of conflicts in a person's close interpersonal relationships. Anger, loss, rejection, neglect, shame, scorn and loneliness were many of the themes that often came up in therapy.
I still deal with mostly with those same issues, along with addictions, chronic anxiety, hopeless and powerlessness, real and perceived. But these days I feel that a lot of these feelings are secondary problems. The underlying causes are economic.
There were no private practices of psychotherapy in the 1930s. Today I feel we have to differentiate between what is a normal reaction to not being able to find a job, or any reliable source of income, and dealing with all the consequences that brings. Anger, helplessness, shame, stress, family strife, disappointment, embarrassment, feelings of self-depreciation are common, but they are not pathological. We need to find ways to treat and change these feelings, but the best treatment would be a job.
My office is in an industrial city that is a bellweather for the economy. In the 1990s there were business in this city that had to hire buses to bring workers in from a city twelve miles away. Now those bus drivers are out of work along with a long line of others.
I will give more specific examples of what this does to people, the community and everyone's outlook on the world next time.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sucked in to the Internet
Friday was our day to take care of the oldest granddaughter, The Bird, ten months old. She is a city girl and accustomed to watching the sights, sounds, sirens, and special people who traverse the city streets, as she rolls in her stroller from her neighborhood to downtown.
Since I am already sure that the iconoclastic blood of her grandfather runs through her veins I took her down to partake of the folks who were putting on the demonstration, the folks of "Occupy Boston." We read the signs, nodded in appreciation as the folks played the drums, and sought out indications of agreement form passers-by. In general I felt sympathetic.
After we returned The Bird to her parents and went home I began to poke around on the Internet to see what kind of attention the demonstrators were receiving and what who was reacting in what ways. I read articles on about four sites, and read the comments, which always seem to bring out the worst in people. That was my downfall.
The comments on the Fox News site were confusing to me. I knew somehow those folks would be against the demonstrators, but I couldn't see how they would frame it since in many ways it seemed like the same issues that the Tea Party people were also trying to highlight. But somehow the Tea Party people were Patriots, while the Occupy people were hippie-Communists, trying to destroy America.
That where I made my mistake and decided to put in a post in support of the Occupy people and asking for some kind of clarification of their anger. Pretty rapidly I received four responses from people who seemed to be right there, waiting to respond. Two of the responses were just quick and nasty. I was called dirty, immature, and a Mamma's boy who expected to have everything handed to him. One was positive, thanking me for being supportive. The last one was a long message telling me that if I ever had real experience in the world, and not just from what my college professor told me, then I would know that America is only for those who help themselves. There is not a right to expect that corporations or the government should do anything for you expect to allow you to do whatever you want, unless you hurt somebody.
That one kind of intrigued me, so when I sat down again, about seven hours later, and really just to see what button I would push, I responded by telling the person that I have run a successful business for thirty years and I have learned that what is necessary for success is strong and dependable infrastructure provided by a good government, and that no business, and no person really, can survive in this complex society on his own, cooperation and interdependence is necessary for success, especially on a large scale, for a whole society.
In less than five minutes I received a long rambling answer telling me that it is written the Constitution that government should not do much of anything, and that people who expected more were trying to undermine the Exceptionalism of America and bring the greatest country on earth to its knees. He ended with this :
Since I am already sure that the iconoclastic blood of her grandfather runs through her veins I took her down to partake of the folks who were putting on the demonstration, the folks of "Occupy Boston." We read the signs, nodded in appreciation as the folks played the drums, and sought out indications of agreement form passers-by. In general I felt sympathetic.
After we returned The Bird to her parents and went home I began to poke around on the Internet to see what kind of attention the demonstrators were receiving and what who was reacting in what ways. I read articles on about four sites, and read the comments, which always seem to bring out the worst in people. That was my downfall.
The comments on the Fox News site were confusing to me. I knew somehow those folks would be against the demonstrators, but I couldn't see how they would frame it since in many ways it seemed like the same issues that the Tea Party people were also trying to highlight. But somehow the Tea Party people were Patriots, while the Occupy people were hippie-Communists, trying to destroy America.
That where I made my mistake and decided to put in a post in support of the Occupy people and asking for some kind of clarification of their anger. Pretty rapidly I received four responses from people who seemed to be right there, waiting to respond. Two of the responses were just quick and nasty. I was called dirty, immature, and a Mamma's boy who expected to have everything handed to him. One was positive, thanking me for being supportive. The last one was a long message telling me that if I ever had real experience in the world, and not just from what my college professor told me, then I would know that America is only for those who help themselves. There is not a right to expect that corporations or the government should do anything for you expect to allow you to do whatever you want, unless you hurt somebody.
That one kind of intrigued me, so when I sat down again, about seven hours later, and really just to see what button I would push, I responded by telling the person that I have run a successful business for thirty years and I have learned that what is necessary for success is strong and dependable infrastructure provided by a good government, and that no business, and no person really, can survive in this complex society on his own, cooperation and interdependence is necessary for success, especially on a large scale, for a whole society.
In less than five minutes I received a long rambling answer telling me that it is written the Constitution that government should not do much of anything, and that people who expected more were trying to undermine the Exceptionalism of America and bring the greatest country on earth to its knees. He ended with this :
"Nothing you have said changes
those impressions one bit. Just
because you have run a business doesn't mean you aren't an anti-American
leftist. It just means you have no
appreciation for the gift of being an American and therefore don't deserve our
consideration of your ludicrous, ill-conceived opinions."
I am posting this here not to show that there are great divides and a total lack of communication across them, as much as to show that there are many, many people, mostly older, angry men, who are on their computers twenty hours a day, defending their world from the likes of me.
Just as I am sure that my granddaughter will absorb many of my values without realizing that it is a choice, I am sure that this person comes from a very different place, literally and figuratively than I do. The sub-culture he hangs around in, whether real or virtual, is very supportive of his beliefs, and it is only due to these advances in technology that we have the opportunity to irritate each other.
I think, in the long run, that may prove helpful to our society. If it doesn't cause another Civil War, it could be preventing one.
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