trust?

When I was younger, over twenty years ago now, my office was in a different building with many other kinds of professional offices. As I would come and go I would often notice a woman who was considerably younger than I was even then. I would notice her because she was, well, noticeable. She was the kind of woman who had an abundance of physical attributes as well as a warm and friendly smile, and she carried herself well.

As it happened she worked in an office of a friend of mine and she would answer the phone and we would chat and then we would say hello more often as we passed along the way.

After a couple of years I moved out of that building, and, as is often the case with older men and beautiful young women who turn our heads, I forgot about her completely.

About five years after that she called me, and asked to see me professionally. This of course, ruined all of my forgotten fantasies because once someone is in the "client" category all that training comes into play and there are all sorts of boundaries and taboos that click into my brain.

This woman was having some conflict in her life. She was recently married and she had realized that some of her husband's habits that she had expected to be left with his bachelorhood were still present. The one that bothered her was his too frequent attention to pornography. (Why someone who had this woman for a wife needed pictures was a question that may or may not be clinically relevant.

At that time, over ten years ago, it had to do with magazines and the telephone. He came with her for some sessions and things seemed to be gotten under control. He was pretty open. He had some issues from his passed that he recognized. He had a history of some slightly unusual interests, but certainly nothing I had not heard of from other clients, and he was motivated to keep his wife happy.

Fine.

All went well for another six or seven years. Then came the Internet and of course the access was too easy. Pictures, moves, some chat-rooms, some dirty-talk, stuff that goes on quite a bit through the use of our amazing technology.

What made things bit worse was that they now had some young children and his doing this in the house kind of freaked her out.


Yes, they were having some difficulties as a couple, the kids had limited their intimate moments, but when doesn't this happen, and money was more of a problem, and he said he just found a way to escape. He assured her that he had never met any real people, and didn't intend to.

Before they had come back to me they had been through several rounds of his promising to stop, but the lure of naked ladies two clicks away was too easy. But now that the kids were beginning to use the computer she couldn't tolerate it.

After being off-line for a couple of months, and being in therapy again they seemed to begin to build trust. He seemed to be under control, and they went away again.

Two years passed until yesterday. I received a phone call from the woman who is screaming and crying. She is going to kill him, throw him in jail, never see him again, get a restraining order. She had found pictures in their digital camera of what appeared to be their eleven year-old son. She was pretty sure it was his naked torso, his back, and then a blurry picture of his behind.

She immediately thinks that her husband has gone way over the line. That the sex stuff has driven him crazy and that she never should have trusted him or believed any of his attempts to make her comfortable. She is furious at herslef for leaving her kids in danger.

This is serious stuff.

Right away I'm thinking that I'm a mandated reporter, I have to tell about child abuse. I have to make sure that the kids are safe. I have to make sure that she is safe.

I ask her if she has talked to her husband or the children and she said no. Her husband is at his office -- he is now a lawyer. The kids are playing with their cousins. She picked up the camera to use it herself and saw the pictures in the memory.

I realize that if we call the cops this man's career could be over no matter what the truth is. So I told her to call him. Tell him to stay away from the house until she calms down and has more information.

I am going over the man in my brain. Did I believe him? Do I trust my clients too much in order to help them feel that someone understands? How could I have missed this? What clues were there? What did I really think? I also wonder why he would have left them in the camera.

She calls him, tells him to stay away. He, of course denies everything, but they all do.

She talks to the kids. Her son looks scared, her daughter clearly really doesn't know anything. She calls her sister. She calls her mother. They attempt to clam her down.


Her husband calls back crying, telling her to try and find the truth. She doesn't know if she can ever trust him again.

Two hours later. When she s going over the pictures, her son seems to be hanging around nervously. He tells her that he took the pictures of himself. He shows her how he did it, and that he didn't know how to erase them. She can see from the angle of the shots that they certainly look like they were done by a 12 year-old, who was holding the camera on himself and thought that a picture of his ass would be funny.

But, what does she do about her trust of her husband? Is there any way she can feel close and relaxed and trusting, or is it all too smashed to pieces?

I think now, pretty clearly, that it was the kid. That answer makes a lot of sense. It also makes everyone feel good, and that can be dangerous.

The consequences of being wrong, either way, are terrible.