transference

A major part of the training of any therapist is learning to deal with transference and counter-transference. People tend to like anyone who will listen to them, pay close attention and care. Some people mistake that for the wrong kind of caring and get a little too attached. As a therapist you have to keep the expectations of the relationship clear.

When I was young and handsome -- now I am older and distinguished -- I had several cases with struggling lonely young women who felt that someone they really could trust, someone who made them feel worthy and capable should be rewarded with some intense attention and affection. I remember from my second year in practice when a woman announced,as she sat there in her summer smock, that she had taken her underwear off before coming into the session. I don't remember what I said, but I remained professional.

There have been several such instances. I have learned to see them coming earlier so that I can structure things so that these delicate moments can be avoided.

That's why I was caught off guard today when I was seeing this client. I had mentioned him earlier when I wrote about his relationship with is father, in the entry "Just Folks." He began talking about the difficulty he was having in the relationship with the man he has been involved with for twelve years. He began to talk about his father. He began to talk about how I reminded him, in a good way about his father.

And then he began to play with himself. At first I wasn't sure. But then I was sure. Real sure.

"I guess temembering your father stimulates certain feelings," I said.

He smiled and asked if I ever did any role-playing.

I began a discussion of what boundaries are, and how some of the actions of his family had broken some very traditional boundaries. I let him know, clearly, that there were very stong boundaries in my office.

He took it fine. He was a bit disappointed, but he held together.

If he can continue to hold his boundaries together this can be very helpful for real therapy. If he can't, if he slips into crazy neediness, instead of dealing with therapeutic transference, we will be dealing with a transfer to a new therapist.