Some people don't put up with anything. The slightest thing goes wrong and they flip out. They cause a fuss, make trouble, and whine about how life is so tough on them.
Other people just "go along to get along," which means that they would rather absorb a little aggravation instead of causing a fuss, getting everyone upset, and then having to wait for everyone to calm down. So their lives just drip away, a day at a time, wishing and hoping.
I've run into one of these strings of people who adjust to almost anything, and thus allow it to continue. I've been seeing a guy who broke up with his girlfriend, but a month later she came back and she told him she was pregnant. So they got back together. She wasn't too nice to him, he wasn't that great to her, but they wanted to try for the kid, which I think is a worthy idea. They never got married, but they stuck together.
That was seventeen years ago. Now, they are all still together. They only talk about the kid. She sleeps on the couch. She works and spends her money on herself. She drinks a little too much, eats a little too much. He makes sarcastic remarks and thinks she will get the message.
Last year he came to see me. We went over all kinds of stuff in his life to make sense of why he tolerates all this. He decided that he will make some big changes. He told her things were going to either get better or end.
She said "Yeah, right," walked away and turned the TV back on.
drip, drip, drip
A couple of months later, as nothing has changed, he is on the Internet chatting with a few women. Eventually he meets one and they start to get together for dinner, or whatever, once a week. The woman at home asks no questions, the client says nothing specific.
drip, drip, drip
This has gone on for a few months now. He is planning to tell her to leave, but she has nowhere to go, and he is afraid of what might happen to her, even though e finds it unpleasant to be around her. Once he a while she asks him where he's been, and he tells her he goes "down the block." She smiles and nods.
drip, drip, drip
I kind of suggested that this guy at least be honest to the woman he is seeing and explain his situation to her. I don't want him to set her up or mislead her. He responded by telling me that he has been very clear with her. She knows why he has not invited her to his place, and she is very understanding. In fact, she seems very OK with the way things are. She probably would like things to change, but...
drip, drip, drip.
life goes on...
4 comments:
Some people don't put up with anything (..)
Other people just "go along to get along,"
Thanks for confirming my theory. Working hard on fixing the faucet. In the meanwhile I'm relieved not to be the one who "drinks a little too much" anymore. (I don't do the rest.)
I know someone like that...and for all his life, he just goes with the flow! Even when the flow is obviously going backward...interesting personality...I never thought there were that many of them in the world, or there would be no wars, no conflict, no upset....etc.
i have tendencies in that direction. growing up it was a survival mechanism. my violent stepfathers didn't like for people to notice they were out of control. so, acting afraid of them made them feel bad about themselves, which made them even angrier, made them even more violent. i learned fairly young that the safest way to get through was to act as if nothing was wrong, everything was happy, and i wasn't EVER afraid. it was akin to not running when approached by a dog, so as not to look like prey. even if my stepfather was in the middle of beating the shit out of my mom, or pacing around the house peeking out of windows with a gun, i kept a serene look on my face and a honeyed "hi, Daddy" on my lips for my own safety.
in my adult life, i turned these reflexes into acting like everything was fine, always, in my marriage. no matter how neglected, disrespected, devalued i felt, i acted as though it was a matter of walking on eggshells and keeping a happy face to keep things from falling apart.
took eight years of this before i snapped. i was approaching my 30th birthday and looked back through some old photo albums. realized that i had spent the freshest bloom of my youth, the most physically attractive years of my life, feeling like i was barely tolerable enough for anyone to keep around, and being neglected and ignored. i finally decided that if i was going to be alone, i might as well REALLY be alone, and stop having the grouchy ghost man in the computer dungeon all the time.
it worked out for the best. we separated for a year, working on things the whole time. he got help for his depression finally, and i started seeing the person i had fallen in love with again. he realized that his years of being depressed and hiding in front of a computer screen had not gone as unnoticed as he had thought. he also learned that when two people work full time and live together, they are both responsible for dealing with the house and raising the children. gradually i reprogrammed the kids to realize that they had two parents instead of one, and over a few years they started to actually go to Dad first for stuff, instead of ignoring his existence.
it worked out for the best, for us.
i blow up a lot more often now than i used to, because whenever i catch myself walking on eggshells now i force myself to jump up and down on them. my husband recognizes this for what it is, me fighting against a lifetime pattern and trying to make a new one. eventually i hope that i'll be able to be more moderate in my reflexes, but i'm still in the training stages.
thank god i snapped. it was the best thing i have ever done for myself and my children. and my husband, actually. i don't know if he ever would have gotten help for his depression if he hadn't been faced with the ultimatum of losing us.
Sometimes getting married for the sake of the kid is not always the way to go.
I was pregnant at 18 years old (Now 40 years old) - and for ten years it was nothing but pure Abuse and dealing with an alcoholic.
For ten years I did "Go along to get along," but that didn't work too well either...now facing a lot of the "Aftermath."
Sometimes being those who whine, complain, and don't put up with anything - is the healthy way to go - for both the Body and Mind.
Post a Comment