Now the summer is beginning to fade. I have been away from everything for a while. We have been wandering around down here,taking time off. It was something I needed to do more than I realized. The last few months, with the back pain, with other vague but unrealized health worries, had put the focus on me much more than ever before.
With that comes the awareness that at my age sickness can lead to crumbling, can lead to being wiped off this planet. Isaac Hayes was just slightly older than me. Gene Upshaw was my age, so were abut twenty per-cent of the people on the obituary pages. It all kind of spooked me out. Me who is supposed to be so full of perspective and so calming.
I spent so much time thinking about thinking that it all kind of got to be a bit too much. I couldn't think about it any more. Who I was, what I was doing, what I want to be, how I want to spend the rest of my time, what is really important to me, all these things kept swirling through my head burning a deep hole but leaving no answers.
So we came down here, as we do every year. I thought I could use the time to get away, and maybe I could figure things out. Maybe something clear would emerge.
So far I've spent time hanging out with friends and doing things that take up time. Even golf. It's been very beautiful. The weather, the sea, the rolling green, the blue sky, the golden sun. The time has been easy, fun and even sociable.
Yet, there remains the vague feeling of something not yet accomplished. I have not yet mastered the art of just taking care of myself. Making deals and keeping myself entertained somehow just never seems to be enough. I'm not sure why.
Must be something my mother did or said. Maybe it was my father.
Still, I'm not sure what it is that I am expecting.
So today, after almost two weeks away, I am beginning to schedule appointments for next week. For the first time is six weeks I don't feel afraid of it. I am even just beginning to look forward to seeing everyone -- well almost everyone -- again.
Yet, I have decided that I need to re-allocate my time, find out what is missing, and what it is I expect to do, not just return to what has always been done and keep the ball rolling down the same familiar hill.
As I have said here many times, change is difficult. Even for me. Hopefully, this blog will help hold me accountable.
3 comments:
I think you're doing great so far.
Having faced death recently up close and personally thru the eyes of one I loved dearly, I believe that what you need most is to live every moment as if it IS your last. To savor them. To live and to love as fully as you possibly can. Thats all. In the last year I have had intimate acquaintance with two men that knew they were dying and dying very soon. Their thought were not of deeds left undone. They were of people and of love. They wanted contact. One wanted to establish intimate relations that he hadnt had and to reconnect with family that he been estranged with or drifted apart from. My husband just wanted to spend time with his loved ones to be assured of their well being. Neither of them and they were both very different men were concerned with anything else other than the people connection. At the end it was love that mattered most to both of them and the experience they wanted was love of all kinds. Does that help?
Live your passion Doc and everything else will work itself out.
Pain is the bodies attempt to send you a message not something that is to be expected once one reaches a certain age. Ask your body what it is trying to tell you and then listen, converse, and you will find out what you need to change.
Body, mind, and soul are linked together for a reason. They are not seperate entities.
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