Us, Together 1

"Things derive their being and nature by mutual dependence, and are nothing in themselves."
--Nagarjuna, 2nd century Buddist philosopher

"An elementary particle is not an independently existing, unanalyzable entity. It is, in essence, a set of relationships that reach outward to other things."
--H.P. Stapp, 20th century physicist

And so it is with us. We are people; we intereact. It is the interpersonal interaction that brings all meaning to our lives. How people react to what we do, think, say, work, create, fight or destroy. That is the strongest of all motivations: to please others, to compete with others, to impress others, to defeat others, or to win another's favor.

85% of the problems I deal with in my cozy little office have to do with interpersonal relationships gone awray. The worst are when those who are supposed to love and protect you fail to do that. When parents neglect, reject or abuse their children.

The families I mention in these writings are all attempting to find their way to some happiness. But when parents are flawed, in that they are so burdened with their own troubled, so angry at the world, or just plain crazy, then what chance does a kid have?

Judy was the fifth of six children, born to a mother who fancied herself a spiritualist. She immediately felt that Judy was the devil-child. She treated her differently and harshly from before she was a year old. She screamed at her, degraded her, hit her, fed her leftovers, locked her in her room and inflicted many other physical and emotional scars.
Now, forty years lateer, in my office, Judy is trying to recover from years of alcoholism, prostitution, brawls, abusive relationships, and deep depressions. She still speaks to her mother twice a year, and each time it enrages her. One of her fondest memories is the time, at sixteen, when she fought back and broke three of her mother's ribs.

The best her mother can now offer, is that she "never took to her." Judy suspects she really has a different father, and that her birth led to the heartbreak and eventual death of her father six years later. But she doesn't know for sure.

She is working hard to find the sense of dignity and worth that two parents are supposed to instill. We are making progress, but no pills really help in cases like this. It takes other people to make anyone feel good.