Hey, look at this, I get distracted by all kinds of things, I don't blog for a while, and look what happens, the world goes nuts. I guess I'd better get back to this or else civilization as we know it may not survive. But, thinking about it, is that what we really want?
We were down here at the beach house when I stopped writing and just began talking to people, watching the tide come in, and just kind of hanging-out. It's kind of fun to just kind of sit around and listen to people run on about their families, their views, their good times and such, with me not having to do anything about it.
You say your mother's sick at 92, or your son's getting divorced, I feel for you, but I'm on vacation. I'll talk to anyone, even Republicans -- but most of them never listen, they just yell.
But then I went to the doctor and they sent me to other doctors, and the next thing you know I had three biopsies and two micro-surgeries and they tore my face apart. Two little spots that I couldn't even see. That wasn't even what they sent me to the dermatologist for. ot anything really serious, that could spread or get into my blood or my brain. But each time they took out some tissue they busted some blood vessels and the areas all around my eyes would turn purple, swell up and my eyes would close. I spent the better part of three weeks looking like I had just gone three rounds with Sugar Ray. Looked like I never learned how to duck away from a left-hook.
But now I'm back here at the beach house and I get to stay for a while. My time with the doctors is over, and I am left with a few blotches, a little swelling and a line down my cheek that looks like Zorro just rode by. They tell me it will all heal soon.
So now I have some time to sift through the year in my thoughts. I will be down here for a few weeks to watch the tides and entertain the people who seem to want to come to the beach in the summer and realize that they know my wife. No one really comes to see me(except for those two really weird guys) but everyone gets me as part of the package.
A lot has happened since last summer, some by design and some just because things happen. So I'm going to take a day or two and think about it.
And look, just since I've been writing, the governing bodies of the United States have gotten their shit together and may have an agreed to not destroy the world financial markets for absolutely no reason. Ah, Kubuki Theater, American style, all made-up and stylized, with movements and meanings, plots and endings known to all, but the performance must be held to make it meaningful, even if it isn't.
There once was a time when I believed that most people, as they grew-up, wanted to do things that would benefit many other people. That belief ended in Jr. High. Next was a time when I believed that people learned from what happened, and tried not to make the same kinds of drastic mistakes again. That phase of my thinking ended in college.
What I know now is that some people learn how to manipulate the hell out of other people, and they use that skill almost totally to benefit themselves.
Lincoln said "You can't fool all of the people, all of the time." But it is clear, especially with our wonderful new was of communicating, that you can fool a whole lot of people all of the time, and they will love you for it.
But I don't have to worry, I just got a letter from some guy in Nigeria, and I'm going to be rich......
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Thursday, July 07, 2011
On being "normal"
I'm on vacation. The Israelis and the Palestinians are still on their own, helping to screw up the whole world, and I am doing nothing to stop them because it's summer.
The weather has been beautiful. We go down to the water. The tide comes in. Children run and splash and throw balls. Balls never go our of style.
Friends come to visit. Anyone who has a house within a mile of a large, scenic body of water knows how many friends they have. We talk. We talk about our other friends, about families, and now that we are older about the extended family. The families that our kids have married into and the people who are now attached to us. We talk about grandchildren, who are all charming, creative and soooo intelligent that it's sooo impressive.
As we talk to friends, and learn about all the people we know, as we observe the relationships of the people we know and love, and of those who we just know, or just know about, somethings become more clear:
My life is really good -- but still it is disappointing. Perhaps I could be doing more. More what?
Talking about everyone else is fascinating, and it shows how difficult life is; no one comes out unscathed.
Everybody is weird, once you really get to know them. The attempts to figure out how to solve the riddles of life take all forms. The solutions to each of life's problems vary very widely, but they all end up being incomplete.
The range of what is "normal" is so very wide. Anyone who is not paralyzed by doubt and fear, and feels optimistic about tomorrow is weird, but is normal. Anyone who is full of doom and gloom and is convinced that all good thing will come to an end, is considered realistic, but also is "normal." Anyone who has learned how to support themselves and to remain in a mutually beneficial relationship is considered normal, no matter what kinds of contortions they have to go through to make those two things happen. In many case, just being able to maintain one of those, either being self-supporting, or maintaining a good relationship is considered to be doing well enough to be considered "normal.
Beyond that, everyone does it differently; inefficiently really, and everyone is fucked-up.
I can't think of one person who really coasts through it all, all the time.
I can't think of one person I'd rather be than me, and I have some strange, weird and bad moments, just from what goes on inside of my head.
That's normal.
That's too bad. It should be better than this.
The weather has been beautiful. We go down to the water. The tide comes in. Children run and splash and throw balls. Balls never go our of style.
Friends come to visit. Anyone who has a house within a mile of a large, scenic body of water knows how many friends they have. We talk. We talk about our other friends, about families, and now that we are older about the extended family. The families that our kids have married into and the people who are now attached to us. We talk about grandchildren, who are all charming, creative and soooo intelligent that it's sooo impressive.
As we talk to friends, and learn about all the people we know, as we observe the relationships of the people we know and love, and of those who we just know, or just know about, somethings become more clear:
My life is really good -- but still it is disappointing. Perhaps I could be doing more. More what?
Talking about everyone else is fascinating, and it shows how difficult life is; no one comes out unscathed.
Everybody is weird, once you really get to know them. The attempts to figure out how to solve the riddles of life take all forms. The solutions to each of life's problems vary very widely, but they all end up being incomplete.
The range of what is "normal" is so very wide. Anyone who is not paralyzed by doubt and fear, and feels optimistic about tomorrow is weird, but is normal. Anyone who is full of doom and gloom and is convinced that all good thing will come to an end, is considered realistic, but also is "normal." Anyone who has learned how to support themselves and to remain in a mutually beneficial relationship is considered normal, no matter what kinds of contortions they have to go through to make those two things happen. In many case, just being able to maintain one of those, either being self-supporting, or maintaining a good relationship is considered to be doing well enough to be considered "normal.
Beyond that, everyone does it differently; inefficiently really, and everyone is fucked-up.
I can't think of one person who really coasts through it all, all the time.
I can't think of one person I'd rather be than me, and I have some strange, weird and bad moments, just from what goes on inside of my head.
That's normal.
That's too bad. It should be better than this.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Just before I left
As you know, in my head, I am ready to take the summer off. That granddaughter of mine is beginning to stack those plastic blocks and she needs someone to knock them over.
However, I am still working three full days a week. People still come in hour after hour, and when I am working I am working. It is mostly a good feeling. A couple of borderline personalities call and weep about how it seems to them that their lives are the worst in the world, but others are doing well and that is gratifying.
Yet, just as I was preparing to leap across the work/no work barrier, Arleen came in. She seemed a bit teary eyed, and a bit more disjointed that she had been recently. This is a woman who began treatment almost four years ago. She had been struggling with addictions, she had lost her job, was thrown out of her home by her crazy mother, had lost custody of her son, and became very self-destructive.
With a lot of work, fueled in part by a lot of justifiable anger, some of it at alcohol treatment programs and AA, she was able to not only get sober, but to get herself functioning, begin college, get her son back, and find an apartment close to her parents, to whom her son was still close.
She stayed strong and keep going despite, having to give up the long relationship she had with a married man. That was followed, a few months later, by his suicide. But Arleen kept on plugging.
However, a week ago, her sister, who was the older girl who had always been the favored child, split up with her third husband and moved into the mother's house. This was a bit upsetting because the mother lavished all kinds of help onto the sister; help which had always been denied to Arleen.
But things fell apart when Arleen came back to her own apartment, and found her sister in bed with some guy she had met two hours ago. There was beer and Jack Daniels spread all around the apartment, and the sister explaining that she knew she couldn't do this at the mother's place, but what was she supposed to do, give up sex? It was then that Arleen opened a beer and felt as if the world was just too much to handle.
She has been drinking a little bit on each of the five days since then. If she doesn't stop completely it is going to gt worse, and everything she had achieved will fall apart.
I am leaving for a four day weekend. I am trying to keep in touch with Arleen almost every day to give her some encouragement to stay sober. We had one good day. Today she had no minutes left on her phone, so it was disconnected.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to play golf.
However, I am still working three full days a week. People still come in hour after hour, and when I am working I am working. It is mostly a good feeling. A couple of borderline personalities call and weep about how it seems to them that their lives are the worst in the world, but others are doing well and that is gratifying.
Yet, just as I was preparing to leap across the work/no work barrier, Arleen came in. She seemed a bit teary eyed, and a bit more disjointed that she had been recently. This is a woman who began treatment almost four years ago. She had been struggling with addictions, she had lost her job, was thrown out of her home by her crazy mother, had lost custody of her son, and became very self-destructive.
With a lot of work, fueled in part by a lot of justifiable anger, some of it at alcohol treatment programs and AA, she was able to not only get sober, but to get herself functioning, begin college, get her son back, and find an apartment close to her parents, to whom her son was still close.
She stayed strong and keep going despite, having to give up the long relationship she had with a married man. That was followed, a few months later, by his suicide. But Arleen kept on plugging.
However, a week ago, her sister, who was the older girl who had always been the favored child, split up with her third husband and moved into the mother's house. This was a bit upsetting because the mother lavished all kinds of help onto the sister; help which had always been denied to Arleen.
But things fell apart when Arleen came back to her own apartment, and found her sister in bed with some guy she had met two hours ago. There was beer and Jack Daniels spread all around the apartment, and the sister explaining that she knew she couldn't do this at the mother's place, but what was she supposed to do, give up sex? It was then that Arleen opened a beer and felt as if the world was just too much to handle.
She has been drinking a little bit on each of the five days since then. If she doesn't stop completely it is going to gt worse, and everything she had achieved will fall apart.
I am leaving for a four day weekend. I am trying to keep in touch with Arleen almost every day to give her some encouragement to stay sober. We had one good day. Today she had no minutes left on her phone, so it was disconnected.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to play golf.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Doing very little.
I am surprised at how easy it becomes to do very little. It can become kind of infectious. There is so much to do when you don't do much, and then getting anything real done really gets in the way.
Summer arrives Tuesday. My work time is cut to three days a week. I expected to use the newly available time to do new exciting, physically and intellectually invigorating things. It's not really happening. A lot is happening instead, but nothing of any consequence. And that becomes easy, and I certainly can't say it isn't enjoyable.
I see friends, I cook, I do a few errands, that can take up almost all day, if I have all day to do it. I have even played golf. (talk about letting time just fade away) I'm even improving slightly. Today I went out in a kayak, then I got to see my kid (Happy Father's Day). Tomorrow is more of the same. Friends, errands, cooking. There is a grandchild to bother, and another one coming.
I thought that I would be reading, writing, thinking, exploring, with all the new available time. It's not happening. Can't even find time to sit with a book for a full hour.
I was able to watch the Bruins. They Won! That was fun, watching Marchand skate around punching people, and then scoring.
It's very easy doing not much. I don't like anything getting in the way. They days I work, I work, but they days that I don't, I don't want to be distracted from not doing much.
I still have things I have to get done, things that need to be done important things. Here is my list for the intermediate future:
1. Change the direction that mental health treatment is going in this country. It is being pushed off as much too biologically determined, and much to medical. That needs to change.
2. Explain the evolutionary process and purpose of consciousness. This is kind of a hobby of mine. This has not yet been explained to my satisfaction.
3. And also, help solve the Israel -- Palestine problem. That situation has dragged on for my whole life. It's enough already.
But, the summer is coming and I don't think I will get to any of this until at least early October. I have much too much "not much" to do, and lots of friends are coming up for the summer. There is a grandchild to bother.
Summer arrives Tuesday. My work time is cut to three days a week. I expected to use the newly available time to do new exciting, physically and intellectually invigorating things. It's not really happening. A lot is happening instead, but nothing of any consequence. And that becomes easy, and I certainly can't say it isn't enjoyable.
I see friends, I cook, I do a few errands, that can take up almost all day, if I have all day to do it. I have even played golf. (talk about letting time just fade away) I'm even improving slightly. Today I went out in a kayak, then I got to see my kid (Happy Father's Day). Tomorrow is more of the same. Friends, errands, cooking. There is a grandchild to bother, and another one coming.
I thought that I would be reading, writing, thinking, exploring, with all the new available time. It's not happening. Can't even find time to sit with a book for a full hour.
I was able to watch the Bruins. They Won! That was fun, watching Marchand skate around punching people, and then scoring.
It's very easy doing not much. I don't like anything getting in the way. They days I work, I work, but they days that I don't, I don't want to be distracted from not doing much.
I still have things I have to get done, things that need to be done important things. Here is my list for the intermediate future:
1. Change the direction that mental health treatment is going in this country. It is being pushed off as much too biologically determined, and much to medical. That needs to change.
2. Explain the evolutionary process and purpose of consciousness. This is kind of a hobby of mine. This has not yet been explained to my satisfaction.
3. And also, help solve the Israel -- Palestine problem. That situation has dragged on for my whole life. It's enough already.
But, the summer is coming and I don't think I will get to any of this until at least early October. I have much too much "not much" to do, and lots of friends are coming up for the summer. There is a grandchild to bother.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
can't shake that feeling
I can't really shake it.
Contentment seems synonymous with resignation. If you're that impressed with yourself then you've done enough. But look around. The world is still a mess.
It may not be your fault, but you are still (at least partially) responsible.
What can I say; that's how I feel.
and unless you're part of the solution, you're part of the problem ( asshole ).
Contentment seems synonymous with resignation. If you're that impressed with yourself then you've done enough. But look around. The world is still a mess.
It may not be your fault, but you are still (at least partially) responsible.
What can I say; that's how I feel.
and unless you're part of the solution, you're part of the problem ( asshole ).
Sunday, June 05, 2011
All that Sarah and I could accomplish together!
Yes, forsythia I do often wonder if I have retained enough of my marbles to keep rolling along. I have noticed interesting things about the workings of my brain. I do forget names, and I"m not nearly as good as my wife at recognizing faces -- she once picked out a cousin of mine, who I had not seen for ten years of a concert crowd. But I find that I do remember the names of my patients ( you would hope), but also their kids, parents, significant others, length of their various marriages, lists of their illnesses, of their spouses' illness, infidelities, and tendencies, and so many other bits of personal minutia So, far so good.
I am also pleased with how well I can think, not only about problems, but about solutions. One of my reasons for writing this blog is to explore how complex human problems really are. How they involve so many complex interactions between inter-personal relationships, psychological tendencies, biological abilities, societal and cultural conditions, sub-cultural expectations, and even random, unpredictable events. This blog is part of a struggle to make sense of it all.
That is why I have so much of a fascination for Sarah Palin, who just came busting through our state a couple of days ago. For her, everything is simple, and she seems to have a quick, handy answer for almost everything; for even the most complex problems in the world!
Yes, I admit, I often can't understand what she is saying, or what she means. The times when I think I do understand what she is trying to say scare me even more, as I can't believe any rational person would really want to say something like that when other people may be listening.
This is what she said in Boston on Friday:
Got that?
Yes, I may be smart, overly rational, and intrigued by complexity. But my charisma level is just in the average range, and my willingness to get out and humiliate myself in public is in the low-average range, excluding dancing.
But Sarah is an American phenomenon. She is a woman of this time and place. She is a genius in self-publicity, nervy unintelligible pronouncements, and she is off the charts in just plain Chutzpah.
If we could only magically combine our talents, blend together in a quest to right what is wrong with our country and the world. The whole Israeli - Palestine thing could be settled in a manner of hours.
Probably not enough magic just lying around.
I am also pleased with how well I can think, not only about problems, but about solutions. One of my reasons for writing this blog is to explore how complex human problems really are. How they involve so many complex interactions between inter-personal relationships, psychological tendencies, biological abilities, societal and cultural conditions, sub-cultural expectations, and even random, unpredictable events. This blog is part of a struggle to make sense of it all.
That is why I have so much of a fascination for Sarah Palin, who just came busting through our state a couple of days ago. For her, everything is simple, and she seems to have a quick, handy answer for almost everything; for even the most complex problems in the world!
Yes, I admit, I often can't understand what she is saying, or what she means. The times when I think I do understand what she is trying to say scare me even more, as I can't believe any rational person would really want to say something like that when other people may be listening.
This is what she said in Boston on Friday:
"He who warned, uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um, makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed." --Sarah Palin, on Paul Revere's midnight ride, June 3, 2011
Got that?
Yes, I may be smart, overly rational, and intrigued by complexity. But my charisma level is just in the average range, and my willingness to get out and humiliate myself in public is in the low-average range, excluding dancing.
But Sarah is an American phenomenon. She is a woman of this time and place. She is a genius in self-publicity, nervy unintelligible pronouncements, and she is off the charts in just plain Chutzpah.
If we could only magically combine our talents, blend together in a quest to right what is wrong with our country and the world. The whole Israeli - Palestine thing could be settled in a manner of hours.
Probably not enough magic just lying around.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
a note in the chart
R still ends up doing more things for other people than she should. Her extended family, her current significant other, her kids, his kids, her sister's kids, have all learned that they can depend upon her too much. She rallies and does things for them instead of herself. It makes her feel good, needed and respected. But it exhausts her, sometimes she knows that they take advantage of her when they should be learning to do things themselves. It also takes away most of the energy she needs to move her own life forward.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
The New Narcissism -- tech 5
It is a rising trend in the press now; it was even in Sunday's NYT, how Facebook, Twitter, instant messaging, Four Square and all of this instant mobile connectivity is making celebrities of us all. Everyone can see that the barrier to fame and notoriety is pretty low. Look at the Kardashians, or Snooky, and many other of our recent phenoms. All you have to do is be willing to sacrifice most of your dignity, and keep pushing it out there.
My girl Sarah (Palin) is one of the best examples. It seems more and more that all she cares about is keeping her name in the news and making money on it. She doesn't care what she says as long as she get coverage. How much you wanna bet that six months after she decides not to run for President she gets at least $1,000,000 to show it off in Playboy.
And why not. Two years ago a saw a fifteen year-old girl in treatment who had been devastated because her boyfriend had persuaded her to "sext" him a picture of her topless. Two months later they broke-up and everyone in school was talking about it. Devastated.
Now, I know that happens all the time, and most of the girls don't seem to give a shit. "Hey those are my tits and I'm proud of 'em."
In some ways it's awful, shocking, demoralizing and demeaning. But in others ways it's liberating, equalizing, and can give the power back to the women.
These technologies are rapidly changing the way people relate. They are changing how we communicate, our vocabulary, what we read, if we read, what we think, how we think, and how our brains work. It's changing our goals and standards of behavior.
Yes, there are many professors, psychologists even, who are writing lots of books and articles about how the world is going to hell, and it certainly is. But it always has been. Genghis Khan, The Crusades, The Spanish Inquisition, The American Civil War, WWI, not good times for humanity either.
If you watch TV, it's more and more about the trash in people's lives. Murder, divorce, bizarre happenings. Who would have wanted to be on TV the day after your 8 year-old daughter has been eaten by a shark, abducted by a pervert, lies in a coma for three months, now it's expected.
Sympathetic Host: "Mr. and Mrs. T, how do you feel after you 11 year-old son broke 27 bones imitating what he saw on Jack Ass?
" Well, we're kind of upset." But at least we're on TV!!
The technology is everywhere, immediately, and we all want our 15 minutes of fame, even though now it's down to six.
Not me. I just want to write about it here in my blog. For years and years I kept a journal that I wrote in every Sunday night. But you know what -- no one ever read it.
That's not true, my wife read a lot of it once. Afterwards she said:
"It sounds a lot like you."
Now that's true of so many of us --" A SuperStar in our own Minds!"
My girl Sarah (Palin) is one of the best examples. It seems more and more that all she cares about is keeping her name in the news and making money on it. She doesn't care what she says as long as she get coverage. How much you wanna bet that six months after she decides not to run for President she gets at least $1,000,000 to show it off in Playboy.
And why not. Two years ago a saw a fifteen year-old girl in treatment who had been devastated because her boyfriend had persuaded her to "sext" him a picture of her topless. Two months later they broke-up and everyone in school was talking about it. Devastated.
Now, I know that happens all the time, and most of the girls don't seem to give a shit. "Hey those are my tits and I'm proud of 'em."
In some ways it's awful, shocking, demoralizing and demeaning. But in others ways it's liberating, equalizing, and can give the power back to the women.
These technologies are rapidly changing the way people relate. They are changing how we communicate, our vocabulary, what we read, if we read, what we think, how we think, and how our brains work. It's changing our goals and standards of behavior.
Yes, there are many professors, psychologists even, who are writing lots of books and articles about how the world is going to hell, and it certainly is. But it always has been. Genghis Khan, The Crusades, The Spanish Inquisition, The American Civil War, WWI, not good times for humanity either.
If you watch TV, it's more and more about the trash in people's lives. Murder, divorce, bizarre happenings. Who would have wanted to be on TV the day after your 8 year-old daughter has been eaten by a shark, abducted by a pervert, lies in a coma for three months, now it's expected.
Sympathetic Host: "Mr. and Mrs. T, how do you feel after you 11 year-old son broke 27 bones imitating what he saw on Jack Ass?
" Well, we're kind of upset." But at least we're on TV!!
The technology is everywhere, immediately, and we all want our 15 minutes of fame, even though now it's down to six.
Not me. I just want to write about it here in my blog. For years and years I kept a journal that I wrote in every Sunday night. But you know what -- no one ever read it.
That's not true, my wife read a lot of it once. Afterwards she said:
"It sounds a lot like you."
Now that's true of so many of us --" A SuperStar in our own Minds!"
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Agreeing with Amanda
Hey, don't get me wrong either, I'm not actually complaining that I have too much time and enough money.
I'm just saying that it's weird.
I've worked pretty hard most of my life. I can't say I worked very hard. There are times I know that if I were more persistent, more driven, and more willing to put in the time to network and market, that perhaps I could have been better known, perhaps I could have been one of the "names" in psychology. I know as much as they do. I could have constructed a four-box model and written a book about it.
The models I build were mostly sixteen box models, with each box interacting with each other, with varying intensity, which differed under different circumstances. People thought I was very insightful, but that my stuff was too complex.
True, I said, then I went and played basketball. I played basketball because I really enjoyed playing basketball. I played basketball until I was 55. I can still shot pretty well. But I can't run too well any more, or play defense.
I always thought of myself as a wild guy, with crazy, far out ideas, outlandish perspectives, and novel approaches. All of this was true in my head.
However the life I led was much more of a tortoise than the hare. As therapist I tried to get people to anticipate the consequences of their actions, not just for the immediate, but for three, four, five steps ahead. I really put that into practice for myself.
Generally, more than not, it worked very well. I avoided doing many stupid things. But I also skipped quite a bit of drama and excitement. I don't drink too much. I don't bet on long shots. I don't get in fights. I don't jump off cliffs. I don't expect the chambermaid to do anything but clean the room.
And because of that I'm still married to the same woman. My kids are great kids, who are married to great people and now are having great kids.
Also, I have been very lucky. That helps a lot. I can't take personal credit for luck. I have been mostly very healthy. My own parents were nice people who cared about me. I did one great thing in my life; I was born two years before the baby boomers. It helped me buy things cheap and sell them for more money. Schools, jobs, stocks, houses, were easier for me to get because I was ahead of the competition. It made me brilliant!
Now, because of all that, I am settled and comfortable. (too bad)
But life is a process, not a game with a score and a beginning and end. I have had many clients who were the ne're do well sons of rich families. They had the money and the opportunity, but they didn't know how to struggles. They could always chose what they wanted to do. They often chose to do very little, and they felt very badly about themselves because they felt their lives consisted of one cop-out after another.
I am very fortunate that things have worked out for me. I have time, health and resources. I can choose what I want to do. I want to make that choice. I don't want to just let it all evolve.
Maybe solving the Israel - Palestine problem is a little out of my reach, but I am still working, and some of the couples I see are just as intractable.
And then I pick up my round-faced little granddaughter and she smiles up and me, and I never want to put her down.
I'm just saying that it's weird.
I've worked pretty hard most of my life. I can't say I worked very hard. There are times I know that if I were more persistent, more driven, and more willing to put in the time to network and market, that perhaps I could have been better known, perhaps I could have been one of the "names" in psychology. I know as much as they do. I could have constructed a four-box model and written a book about it.
The models I build were mostly sixteen box models, with each box interacting with each other, with varying intensity, which differed under different circumstances. People thought I was very insightful, but that my stuff was too complex.
True, I said, then I went and played basketball. I played basketball because I really enjoyed playing basketball. I played basketball until I was 55. I can still shot pretty well. But I can't run too well any more, or play defense.
I always thought of myself as a wild guy, with crazy, far out ideas, outlandish perspectives, and novel approaches. All of this was true in my head.
However the life I led was much more of a tortoise than the hare. As therapist I tried to get people to anticipate the consequences of their actions, not just for the immediate, but for three, four, five steps ahead. I really put that into practice for myself.
Generally, more than not, it worked very well. I avoided doing many stupid things. But I also skipped quite a bit of drama and excitement. I don't drink too much. I don't bet on long shots. I don't get in fights. I don't jump off cliffs. I don't expect the chambermaid to do anything but clean the room.
And because of that I'm still married to the same woman. My kids are great kids, who are married to great people and now are having great kids.
Also, I have been very lucky. That helps a lot. I can't take personal credit for luck. I have been mostly very healthy. My own parents were nice people who cared about me. I did one great thing in my life; I was born two years before the baby boomers. It helped me buy things cheap and sell them for more money. Schools, jobs, stocks, houses, were easier for me to get because I was ahead of the competition. It made me brilliant!
Now, because of all that, I am settled and comfortable. (too bad)
But life is a process, not a game with a score and a beginning and end. I have had many clients who were the ne're do well sons of rich families. They had the money and the opportunity, but they didn't know how to struggles. They could always chose what they wanted to do. They often chose to do very little, and they felt very badly about themselves because they felt their lives consisted of one cop-out after another.
I am very fortunate that things have worked out for me. I have time, health and resources. I can choose what I want to do. I want to make that choice. I don't want to just let it all evolve.
Maybe solving the Israel - Palestine problem is a little out of my reach, but I am still working, and some of the couples I see are just as intractable.
And then I pick up my round-faced little granddaughter and she smiles up and me, and I never want to put her down.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
sliding along toward
This semi-retirment thing is still weird for me.
Work I understand. I did it for over forty years. The last 30 years I had my own practice up here in this charming, diverse, sometimes prosperous, sometimes struggling mill city up nestled in still cold New England.
Once things got rolling I averaged about 37 clinical hours a week. Then there was the billing, the phone calls, the forms, the letters; it was a 47 hour a week job.
Last year I got loose about working Friday and averaged about 33 hours a week. Three months ago I stopped working Monday, so I could "pursue other interests" as they say when they leave office. And I have lots of other things that interest me.
But,
It's easy to do what seems like very little. Where does the time go?
The time gets eaten up quickly with, of course, my wife's lists -- the "Now that you have time" stuff. This is not to be confused with fixing things. I don't fix things. I fiddle around with them until they break. I can fix people ( some of the time) not things.
I do cook, I shop, I clean up stuff, I move things around.
But most of the time has been going to, of all things, people. I went to NYC with a couple of friends. I see other friends more often. I see my rolling-over, smiling, gurgling grand-daughter.
Times-up.
I didn't go to work today. It was easy. I am much less tired at the end of the week. Actually "the week" doesn't end because it feels like it never really got started.
When you have kids, really until they have been out of the house for two years, you focus. You have to watch and take care of the kids, whether they want it, appreciate it or even think you are doing it, that is what your life is.
When your working, especially if you get satisfaction out of what you do, then you focus. That is what you're doing; you're working.
When the kids are young and you are working. Then you don't have any existential questions -- you are just doing. This is what you're supposed to be doing. Do your work, support the family, watch the kids, bother them. Relate to the wife too, that helps. Any break you get is a break to savor. But those are quick, and disappear.
Now, it's different. I can do what I want. I guess I can please myself.
But I know that it doesn't really matter how. Nobody cares, Nobody's counting. It's easy to just take it easy. The time slips away. The mind can wander and rest. It can remember, or in many cases, it can worry.
For me, a project is needed. I will have to manufacture a focus, as nothing intrinsic really exists. I tell this to many of my clients, that the meaning of their lives is up to them. Now it's my turn.
The difference between fun and senility often seems vague.
Work I understand. I did it for over forty years. The last 30 years I had my own practice up here in this charming, diverse, sometimes prosperous, sometimes struggling mill city up nestled in still cold New England.
Once things got rolling I averaged about 37 clinical hours a week. Then there was the billing, the phone calls, the forms, the letters; it was a 47 hour a week job.
Last year I got loose about working Friday and averaged about 33 hours a week. Three months ago I stopped working Monday, so I could "pursue other interests" as they say when they leave office. And I have lots of other things that interest me.
But,
It's easy to do what seems like very little. Where does the time go?
The time gets eaten up quickly with, of course, my wife's lists -- the "Now that you have time" stuff. This is not to be confused with fixing things. I don't fix things. I fiddle around with them until they break. I can fix people ( some of the time) not things.
I do cook, I shop, I clean up stuff, I move things around.
But most of the time has been going to, of all things, people. I went to NYC with a couple of friends. I see other friends more often. I see my rolling-over, smiling, gurgling grand-daughter.
Times-up.
I didn't go to work today. It was easy. I am much less tired at the end of the week. Actually "the week" doesn't end because it feels like it never really got started.
When you have kids, really until they have been out of the house for two years, you focus. You have to watch and take care of the kids, whether they want it, appreciate it or even think you are doing it, that is what your life is.
When your working, especially if you get satisfaction out of what you do, then you focus. That is what you're doing; you're working.
When the kids are young and you are working. Then you don't have any existential questions -- you are just doing. This is what you're supposed to be doing. Do your work, support the family, watch the kids, bother them. Relate to the wife too, that helps. Any break you get is a break to savor. But those are quick, and disappear.
Now, it's different. I can do what I want. I guess I can please myself.
But I know that it doesn't really matter how. Nobody cares, Nobody's counting. It's easy to just take it easy. The time slips away. The mind can wander and rest. It can remember, or in many cases, it can worry.
For me, a project is needed. I will have to manufacture a focus, as nothing intrinsic really exists. I tell this to many of my clients, that the meaning of their lives is up to them. Now it's my turn.
The difference between fun and senility often seems vague.
Monday, May 16, 2011
floating away
See that picture of the bridge. It's on the Mighty Mississippi, just miles away from where they opened the sluice gates to save the oil refineries. I hope it works out for all the folks down there. It's quite a river. The Mississippi Delta really takes up most of Louisiana; water just keeps flowing down there, coming from everywhere else.
Ron Paul, the clever little man who is again running for President, feels that we, through our government, should not insure, or protect the people whose homes, farms and businesses are being flooded and washed away. It's nature, he reasons, and if this huge river is going to wipe them away, then maybe they shouldn't be there.
He has a point. But perhaps it's a little too simplistic. People have lived in towns along this river for a few hundred years now Yes, the population is increasing, but that is because we have been a successful society, and kept our people alive and healthy, so we build more houses. For years the river grew large in the spring, and often there were floods, but now there seem to be bigger ones, and more often. " Hundred Year Floods" seem to occur every three years now.
There is a very good, and probably scientifically provable, probability that the increase in these floods has been caused by the lack of regulation of pollution, climate change, and waste disposal. If people want to deny that, then more people will watch their stuff, and perhaps some of their relatives, float away.
And then be blamed for it.
This kind of reasoning comes at the time when there are new studies being published by members of my profession that report that younger people in this country are much more narcissistic and much less empathetic than they were ten years ago, and even more significantly less than they were thirty years ago.
This seems to be related to three major factors:
1. Children's; lives are much more structured, much more guided by adult aspirations and directions. There is much less time for kids to do what my mother told me to do, or what I always wanted and expected to do as a kid, to "go out and play." I played with kids on block, or kids on the next block, or when we moved out of the city I played with kids in the park. We made up our own teams, our own rules, and often even our own games. If we wanted to have fun we had to get along. We had to negotiate, settle disputes, and enjoy being together. The kids who were demanding, overbearing or who cheated were left-out and avoided. They ruined the fun.
Today, when I drive around, in cities and suburbs, I see very few kids ever playing in the street, and in the parks it looks like all the activities are sports with uniforms, supervised by adults, often with paid referees. Everything is more competitive than cooperative. No kid is left alone because of the fear of kidnappers and perverts. Fear and competition is taking over from fun and cooperation.
2. This competition is often emphasized by parents, who are very competitive through their kids. Getting better grades, more activities, better scores, more coaching, in school, in sports, in music, in everything is important to get a step ahead in our capitalist, make it on your own world. Cooperation is often seen as a weakness, while using any means to find an advantage is rewarded.
3. The many kids who do not want, or cannot be that competitive, are the ones who stay home and play by themselves on video games. Yes, the often play virtually with other kids, but that is very different that playing WITH other kids, and discussing, negotiating, compromising and then competing. So many kids now play video basketball, with virtual swoops and dunks, but fewer are joing other kids and playing real pick-up basketball, and learning work together to pass, guard and set-up shots, even when you are 5 foot five inches tall.
When we played games we were often very competitive. It felt good to win. But if we were going to play the next day we had to stay friends with the kids we played against. Either they would be on our team the next day, or else we had to like and trust each other enough to want to play together the next day, and have a good time. There was a degree of friendship and respect, even to kids we hardly knew. You could go to any park in the state and the rules were pretty much the same, and the winning team got to stay on the court.
Bullying is more of a problem today because of these factors. Because of Facebook and email and text messages meanness can come from further away, and even be anonymous. There isn't the need to keep a relationship going to play again the next day.
The world is changing. Things happen much faster. Kids are exposed to somethings much sooner, but other things, like the kind of fun, chaos, exploration, negotiating, understanding, cooperation and friendship that they find on their own, without guidance, supervision or "enrichment programs," seems to be lost.
It creates a society in which a politician can say " Don't help them, they shouldn't have been living there." and to get away with it.
I don't agree with that. I feel badly for the people who have four feet of water in their living room. I know that if the wind blows a little harder here tomorrow, it could be me. And I didn't do anything to deserve that.
Ron Paul, the clever little man who is again running for President, feels that we, through our government, should not insure, or protect the people whose homes, farms and businesses are being flooded and washed away. It's nature, he reasons, and if this huge river is going to wipe them away, then maybe they shouldn't be there.
He has a point. But perhaps it's a little too simplistic. People have lived in towns along this river for a few hundred years now Yes, the population is increasing, but that is because we have been a successful society, and kept our people alive and healthy, so we build more houses. For years the river grew large in the spring, and often there were floods, but now there seem to be bigger ones, and more often. " Hundred Year Floods" seem to occur every three years now.
There is a very good, and probably scientifically provable, probability that the increase in these floods has been caused by the lack of regulation of pollution, climate change, and waste disposal. If people want to deny that, then more people will watch their stuff, and perhaps some of their relatives, float away.
And then be blamed for it.
But admitting that this is a more complex problem could mean more regulation, and that could be bad for business.
This kind of reasoning comes at the time when there are new studies being published by members of my profession that report that younger people in this country are much more narcissistic and much less empathetic than they were ten years ago, and even more significantly less than they were thirty years ago.
This seems to be related to three major factors:
1. Children's; lives are much more structured, much more guided by adult aspirations and directions. There is much less time for kids to do what my mother told me to do, or what I always wanted and expected to do as a kid, to "go out and play." I played with kids on block, or kids on the next block, or when we moved out of the city I played with kids in the park. We made up our own teams, our own rules, and often even our own games. If we wanted to have fun we had to get along. We had to negotiate, settle disputes, and enjoy being together. The kids who were demanding, overbearing or who cheated were left-out and avoided. They ruined the fun.
Today, when I drive around, in cities and suburbs, I see very few kids ever playing in the street, and in the parks it looks like all the activities are sports with uniforms, supervised by adults, often with paid referees. Everything is more competitive than cooperative. No kid is left alone because of the fear of kidnappers and perverts. Fear and competition is taking over from fun and cooperation.
2. This competition is often emphasized by parents, who are very competitive through their kids. Getting better grades, more activities, better scores, more coaching, in school, in sports, in music, in everything is important to get a step ahead in our capitalist, make it on your own world. Cooperation is often seen as a weakness, while using any means to find an advantage is rewarded.
3. The many kids who do not want, or cannot be that competitive, are the ones who stay home and play by themselves on video games. Yes, the often play virtually with other kids, but that is very different that playing WITH other kids, and discussing, negotiating, compromising and then competing. So many kids now play video basketball, with virtual swoops and dunks, but fewer are joing other kids and playing real pick-up basketball, and learning work together to pass, guard and set-up shots, even when you are 5 foot five inches tall.
When we played games we were often very competitive. It felt good to win. But if we were going to play the next day we had to stay friends with the kids we played against. Either they would be on our team the next day, or else we had to like and trust each other enough to want to play together the next day, and have a good time. There was a degree of friendship and respect, even to kids we hardly knew. You could go to any park in the state and the rules were pretty much the same, and the winning team got to stay on the court.
Bullying is more of a problem today because of these factors. Because of Facebook and email and text messages meanness can come from further away, and even be anonymous. There isn't the need to keep a relationship going to play again the next day.
The world is changing. Things happen much faster. Kids are exposed to somethings much sooner, but other things, like the kind of fun, chaos, exploration, negotiating, understanding, cooperation and friendship that they find on their own, without guidance, supervision or "enrichment programs," seems to be lost.
It creates a society in which a politician can say " Don't help them, they shouldn't have been living there." and to get away with it.
I don't agree with that. I feel badly for the people who have four feet of water in their living room. I know that if the wind blows a little harder here tomorrow, it could be me. And I didn't do anything to deserve that.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Interesting Question
He was upset.
Mostly upset because she caught him. She had walked in many times and noticed that he quickly changed the site he was looking at on his computer. But then she found the CD with the male-bondage stuff going on.
She was upset.
She wanted to know if that meant that he was gay.
He insisted it didn't. He said he never had felt turned on by any live man, and he works with men. The idea of actually touching, holding, and being with a man is something he never thinks about, and he doesn't feel like he could actually be aroused by that.
It doesn't help that they haven't had sex in five years.
Really, and this is after an hour of talking to them, so this is a less than certain opinion, I don't think he's gay.
I think he is very anxious. Real live women scare him. He found some excuse five years ago to retreat from her. He found that getting turned on by porn was much easier, less threatening, and less judgmental. After a few years of porn he began to get a little bored and found several variations, and then variations on that. Who knows, the next step could have been sheep.
The real question is can he get reoriented to appreciate real, live women? Does he want to?
Does she want to? That's another very important question.
Mostly upset because she caught him. She had walked in many times and noticed that he quickly changed the site he was looking at on his computer. But then she found the CD with the male-bondage stuff going on.
She was upset.
She wanted to know if that meant that he was gay.
He insisted it didn't. He said he never had felt turned on by any live man, and he works with men. The idea of actually touching, holding, and being with a man is something he never thinks about, and he doesn't feel like he could actually be aroused by that.
It doesn't help that they haven't had sex in five years.
Really, and this is after an hour of talking to them, so this is a less than certain opinion, I don't think he's gay.
I think he is very anxious. Real live women scare him. He found some excuse five years ago to retreat from her. He found that getting turned on by porn was much easier, less threatening, and less judgmental. After a few years of porn he began to get a little bored and found several variations, and then variations on that. Who knows, the next step could have been sheep.
The real question is can he get reoriented to appreciate real, live women? Does he want to?
Does she want to? That's another very important question.
Sunday, May 01, 2011
A New Model?
Last time I wrote about how I can imagine that the way I do psychotherapy could change. New insights, new technologies, or convincing new evidence could, I hope, lead me towards a new way of doing things. I'd like to think that I'm flexible enough to change.
Yes, I do believe that interpersonal interaction, especially between humans, is very powerful, and is one of the most basic components of our psychological existence. But, that doesn't mean that the process can't be helped along.
There is a group of neuro-biologists on the west coast of the USA, the most prominent of them is a Dr. Christof Koch. Working with Dr Fried, who treats epileptic patients, they implanted electrodes in their brains in order to help treat their seizures. Slowly, they have been able to find some exact spots in a brain that hold a specific thought. And working with some talented computer programmers, they have found a way to have people's thoughts control which image appears on a screen just by thinking about what that image is. For example, they had a woman who thought about Josh Brolin and about Marilyn Monroe. They had electrodes placed on spots in her brain that represented their memories of each of those people. When she thought about Josh, his picture would appear. If she then began to think about Marilyn, Josh would fade and Marilyn would appear.
I feel that the implications of this technology for my work are tremendous. What if a person harbors very ambivalent thoughts about themselves, or something they did, or someone they are close to. If they could learn how to make one of those thoughts (and the feeling that goes with it) become more dominant, they could have much better control of their lives and emotions. The change process could go so much more quickly if someone was able to get immediate feedback, such as seeing a picture of what they want to see become clearer and clearer, the more they thought the good thoughts.
What about people who suffer with obsessive thoughts: is there a spot in their brain where these thoughts originate? Could we tap into it and help them to learn to think about it less, while thinking about something else more?
Done correctly, this could become the opposite of brain washing, which is when someone else has a strong influence over what you think or believe. People could be able to think and feel what they want, and learn to do so much more quickly than happens when they just talk about it. I could see up there on the screen, how well they were doing. How strong the thoughts and ideas are; how persistent is the idea we want to repress.
Of course, this implies a very reductionist philosophy, one that favors the stance that the brain controls the mind, more than the mind is controlling the brain.
But that raises the question of who (what?) controls the brain that controls the mind, if it is the person who is doing all the thinking for both the brain and the mind.
(I used to talk about this to my son. He would leave the room screaming.)
But if we can change what we think and feel more easily, just by thinking about it. That's what all this therapy stuff is about isn't it?
And what if there was an App for that?
Yes, I do believe that interpersonal interaction, especially between humans, is very powerful, and is one of the most basic components of our psychological existence. But, that doesn't mean that the process can't be helped along.
There is a group of neuro-biologists on the west coast of the USA, the most prominent of them is a Dr. Christof Koch. Working with Dr Fried, who treats epileptic patients, they implanted electrodes in their brains in order to help treat their seizures. Slowly, they have been able to find some exact spots in a brain that hold a specific thought. And working with some talented computer programmers, they have found a way to have people's thoughts control which image appears on a screen just by thinking about what that image is. For example, they had a woman who thought about Josh Brolin and about Marilyn Monroe. They had electrodes placed on spots in her brain that represented their memories of each of those people. When she thought about Josh, his picture would appear. If she then began to think about Marilyn, Josh would fade and Marilyn would appear.
I feel that the implications of this technology for my work are tremendous. What if a person harbors very ambivalent thoughts about themselves, or something they did, or someone they are close to. If they could learn how to make one of those thoughts (and the feeling that goes with it) become more dominant, they could have much better control of their lives and emotions. The change process could go so much more quickly if someone was able to get immediate feedback, such as seeing a picture of what they want to see become clearer and clearer, the more they thought the good thoughts.
What about people who suffer with obsessive thoughts: is there a spot in their brain where these thoughts originate? Could we tap into it and help them to learn to think about it less, while thinking about something else more?
Done correctly, this could become the opposite of brain washing, which is when someone else has a strong influence over what you think or believe. People could be able to think and feel what they want, and learn to do so much more quickly than happens when they just talk about it. I could see up there on the screen, how well they were doing. How strong the thoughts and ideas are; how persistent is the idea we want to repress.
Of course, this implies a very reductionist philosophy, one that favors the stance that the brain controls the mind, more than the mind is controlling the brain.
But that raises the question of who (what?) controls the brain that controls the mind, if it is the person who is doing all the thinking for both the brain and the mind.
(I used to talk about this to my son. He would leave the room screaming.)
But if we can change what we think and feel more easily, just by thinking about it. That's what all this therapy stuff is about isn't it?
And what if there was an App for that?
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Don't want to be Polaroid, or DEC
There have been many big companies around here since I have opened my practice. Three that come to mind quickly were Polaroid, Digital Equipment Corp and Wang Labs. I used to like them because they all had great benefit packages and tried to take good care of their employees while they were making money. DEC and Polaroid were always two great companies to work for.
They only thing they did that hurt all their employees was go out of business. None of these three companies, and many others, lasted, because they couldn't turn the corner. They didn't see that a new world was taking shape around them. They had a model of operating that was successful, and they just kept following that success. Once you find something that works, its very, very hard to see when it's not working, especially if it did you so well in the past, and if there were always normal fluctuations.
When is a loss just a dip, and when is it the plunge of no return? You can't really know until it's too late.
In psychotherapy, with all the new technologies, and all of the new science, there are now many models of how to deal with emotional, psychological and behavioral difficulties. You can come and talk to me; which is the old model. Or you can take some complex new chemicals that may (or may not) affect your mind. You can take pictures of your brain with an exciting new brain observing machines. You can dip into your genetic code and try to rearrange things to alter you basic tendencies.
Some of these models have not had the kinks worked out of them yet. The odds are if you dip into your genetic code you may come out being a two-toed sloth, which may not be a bad life, but it is a risk.
But the model I have been using is old. It is very low-tech and inefficient. Some people come and see me for years and hardly change their lives that much at all. Treatment sometimes ends because I get bored. For many people this "talk therapy" model just doesn't work at all. For many cultures the idea of speaking about your strange inner thoughts to someone you don't know, to anyone really, would be a disgrace.
But so far, I continue to struggle along, using the same old model, adding a few new slide-steps, spin moves and slight-of-hand tricks to my repertoire, just to show that I keep up with the times. I don't think I will be the one to determine when the time has passed and other things work better.
So far, I don't see it happening. And the demand for my little dancing act is still strong. But high demand from the masses is no way to determine truth or validity. There is a high demand for the psychic around the corner, and she doesn't have to get pre-authorizations,
AND she does parties.
They only thing they did that hurt all their employees was go out of business. None of these three companies, and many others, lasted, because they couldn't turn the corner. They didn't see that a new world was taking shape around them. They had a model of operating that was successful, and they just kept following that success. Once you find something that works, its very, very hard to see when it's not working, especially if it did you so well in the past, and if there were always normal fluctuations.
When is a loss just a dip, and when is it the plunge of no return? You can't really know until it's too late.
In psychotherapy, with all the new technologies, and all of the new science, there are now many models of how to deal with emotional, psychological and behavioral difficulties. You can come and talk to me; which is the old model. Or you can take some complex new chemicals that may (or may not) affect your mind. You can take pictures of your brain with an exciting new brain observing machines. You can dip into your genetic code and try to rearrange things to alter you basic tendencies.
Some of these models have not had the kinks worked out of them yet. The odds are if you dip into your genetic code you may come out being a two-toed sloth, which may not be a bad life, but it is a risk.
But the model I have been using is old. It is very low-tech and inefficient. Some people come and see me for years and hardly change their lives that much at all. Treatment sometimes ends because I get bored. For many people this "talk therapy" model just doesn't work at all. For many cultures the idea of speaking about your strange inner thoughts to someone you don't know, to anyone really, would be a disgrace.
But so far, I continue to struggle along, using the same old model, adding a few new slide-steps, spin moves and slight-of-hand tricks to my repertoire, just to show that I keep up with the times. I don't think I will be the one to determine when the time has passed and other things work better.
So far, I don't see it happening. And the demand for my little dancing act is still strong. But high demand from the masses is no way to determine truth or validity. There is a high demand for the psychic around the corner, and she doesn't have to get pre-authorizations,
AND she does parties.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tech 4
There is so much stuff out there that just comes pouring in here, between newspapers, the too many magazines I still get, the web sites for all of them, all of the other news, science, psychology, web sites, chat rooms, list serves, journals, comments on the journals, etc, that it does get a bit overwhelming.
I am from the generation of having to go searching for information. Every bit of it seems like a find. I keep piles of it, knowing I will probably never get back to it. Even if I do I get distracted by new things. I am not that good a weeding out, and staying with a few regular sources. I try to get other view points, but there is so much noise out there. Everyone wants to be heard, and the only way to really get recognized is to be extreme and ridiculous.
Donald Trump for President? What could be more ridiculous?
Anyway, I read somewhere, I can no longer remember where, that it has become acceptable behavior, or at least commonplace, to be talking to someone who is with you, while at the same time holding a "text" conversation with someone else. So many people are texting constantly. Older people are constantly checking email. Facebook. Beeps, chirps and chimes abound. Information flows in. Where are you? What are you doing? What did you think of that? What is he saying? Get this done, Get back to me. On and on in a constantly flow.
I sit in my office, one on one with people. Most of them forget to turn off their phones until they ring, or beep or boop or rap, or erupt with heavy metal. Even then they sometimes take the call, fearing it is about their kids, or their boss, or something very vital. That has happened once out of about 200 times, that a kid was sick at school. Vital? An instant response expected.
There is a lot of discussion now about doing therapy by phone, or Skype, or even just by instant messaging. Is that better for people who can't reveal deep, dark secrets in a face to face setting?
Perhaps.
But my profession, the way I do it, remains very low tech. We assume that real, direct, in-person, interpersonal relationships are more telling, more real, and convey so much more emotion and intensity. It is so basic to being human.
Or, at least it was.
I am from the generation of having to go searching for information. Every bit of it seems like a find. I keep piles of it, knowing I will probably never get back to it. Even if I do I get distracted by new things. I am not that good a weeding out, and staying with a few regular sources. I try to get other view points, but there is so much noise out there. Everyone wants to be heard, and the only way to really get recognized is to be extreme and ridiculous.
Donald Trump for President? What could be more ridiculous?
Anyway, I read somewhere, I can no longer remember where, that it has become acceptable behavior, or at least commonplace, to be talking to someone who is with you, while at the same time holding a "text" conversation with someone else. So many people are texting constantly. Older people are constantly checking email. Facebook. Beeps, chirps and chimes abound. Information flows in. Where are you? What are you doing? What did you think of that? What is he saying? Get this done, Get back to me. On and on in a constantly flow.
I sit in my office, one on one with people. Most of them forget to turn off their phones until they ring, or beep or boop or rap, or erupt with heavy metal. Even then they sometimes take the call, fearing it is about their kids, or their boss, or something very vital. That has happened once out of about 200 times, that a kid was sick at school. Vital? An instant response expected.
There is a lot of discussion now about doing therapy by phone, or Skype, or even just by instant messaging. Is that better for people who can't reveal deep, dark secrets in a face to face setting?
Perhaps.
But my profession, the way I do it, remains very low tech. We assume that real, direct, in-person, interpersonal relationships are more telling, more real, and convey so much more emotion and intensity. It is so basic to being human.
Or, at least it was.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
client called
At least once a month I get a call from someone I have already seen, but who I have not seem for a while. Many people come to see me for six months to two years and that's about all I have to offer. But usually by then they have be transformed into amazingly creative, caring, successful, problem solving individuals, whom everyone wants to know a be around.
Often a new situation arises, or some of the fairy dust wears off and they find a reason to come back for a tune-up. This can happen after one to five years, and often happens again, one to five years later.
But while I was away I got a call from a woman who said that she had been waiting to call me for a while, and she was pretty sure it was me she wanted to see. I had seen her once before for a few sessions and put her life on the right track, but now, she felt the need to see me again.
She left her name, but I didn't recognize it. I called her when I got back, and she explained that she had left her married name, and I would remember her by her maiden name. Also, she is 50 now, and I had last seen her when she was 17, in 1978, and I was working on the other side of the state.
There are a few things she wants to talk about that have happened since then.
Fine, I'm looking forward to it.
Often a new situation arises, or some of the fairy dust wears off and they find a reason to come back for a tune-up. This can happen after one to five years, and often happens again, one to five years later.
But while I was away I got a call from a woman who said that she had been waiting to call me for a while, and she was pretty sure it was me she wanted to see. I had seen her once before for a few sessions and put her life on the right track, but now, she felt the need to see me again.
She left her name, but I didn't recognize it. I called her when I got back, and she explained that she had left her married name, and I would remember her by her maiden name. Also, she is 50 now, and I had last seen her when she was 17, in 1978, and I was working on the other side of the state.
There are a few things she wants to talk about that have happened since then.
Fine, I'm looking forward to it.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
away, and back
I keep planning to do this thing on a regular basis, just for the discipline of it all. Sometimes I think it would really help me clear up my thoughts if I could write them here, trying to be coherent, two or three times a week (ha!). Other times I think that the kind of writing that goes into blogs, including this one, is hardly disciplined at all. It takes time and revisions to think through an idea, and to present it well.
It would possibly be more effective to blog regularly, once a week. To begin on Monday, add to it, review it, edit it and post it on Sunday. But hardly anyone, including me, expects that from a blog, so most blogs are read quickly, and anything that takes more than six minutes to read hardly gets read.
But, so far, I have had a tough time doing either.
My excuse this time is that I went away. That's a good enough excuse.
We packed up and got out of the long lingering cold weather and journeyed to the far off Southland.
First we visited that stately town on the bluff, Natchez, Mississippi. When we got there people asked us why we had come. They seemed a bit puzzled. Natchez turns out to be a smaller town than I expected. But otherwise, it was more than I expected.
We went there to see the river. And that was reason enough. A mile wide, muddy brown, swirling in seven directions at once as it pushed itself downstream, the mighty Mississippi lived up to its reputation. The people in the town said they respected and feared it a bit. It was not to be taken lightly. The currents were strong and unforgiving, especially at this time of year.
The town was charming, a beautiful example of the old South. The people were friendly, more than approachable, willing to talk, and happy to have some Yankees walk through. We saw the stately old homes. We ate some great Southern cookin', We drove a few miles up the Natchez Trace, which is something we hardly knew about. A beautiful road, that winds by itself all the way up to Nashville.
But then we turned around and drove south, following the river, through St. Francesville, La, a town of simple pleasures and unique treasures, right on the river. Then we drove past the oil refineries, and the tallest state capitol building in the country, which is in Baton Rouge. We also saw where the River takes a turn, and the oil tankers come and go, under yet another huge Mississippi River Bridge.
The rest of the week was spent in and around the Big Easy. The French Quarter, filled with tourists, music, a great deal of alcohol, better music, more alcohol, and great food. The Garden district, with funky Magazine Street, some of the best graveyards in the country, and some still remaining houses that were ruined in Katrina. We saw alligators in the Bayous, and ate shrimp, oysters and grits everywhere.
Now, we have returned to New England and are again, freezing our asses off.
It's great to get away. It's fun to talk to people who I don't have to try to help.
Again, I am left with the perception that I do not think in the manner of many of my countrymen. I do not immediately look for a business angle of for the faster pleasures. I always seem to feel that things are more complex than what is being presented.
Often, I am left feeling that I just make my own life more difficult, but it's too late to change that, and I don't want to anyway, because, even though I say I'm open minded, I know I'm right.
But they sure do have some big boats going up and down that river. I could sit in that warm sun, with a beer in my hand, and watch them go by all day. Not much complex about that.
It would possibly be more effective to blog regularly, once a week. To begin on Monday, add to it, review it, edit it and post it on Sunday. But hardly anyone, including me, expects that from a blog, so most blogs are read quickly, and anything that takes more than six minutes to read hardly gets read.
But, so far, I have had a tough time doing either.
My excuse this time is that I went away. That's a good enough excuse.
We packed up and got out of the long lingering cold weather and journeyed to the far off Southland.
First we visited that stately town on the bluff, Natchez, Mississippi. When we got there people asked us why we had come. They seemed a bit puzzled. Natchez turns out to be a smaller town than I expected. But otherwise, it was more than I expected.
We went there to see the river. And that was reason enough. A mile wide, muddy brown, swirling in seven directions at once as it pushed itself downstream, the mighty Mississippi lived up to its reputation. The people in the town said they respected and feared it a bit. It was not to be taken lightly. The currents were strong and unforgiving, especially at this time of year.
The town was charming, a beautiful example of the old South. The people were friendly, more than approachable, willing to talk, and happy to have some Yankees walk through. We saw the stately old homes. We ate some great Southern cookin', We drove a few miles up the Natchez Trace, which is something we hardly knew about. A beautiful road, that winds by itself all the way up to Nashville.
But then we turned around and drove south, following the river, through St. Francesville, La, a town of simple pleasures and unique treasures, right on the river. Then we drove past the oil refineries, and the tallest state capitol building in the country, which is in Baton Rouge. We also saw where the River takes a turn, and the oil tankers come and go, under yet another huge Mississippi River Bridge.
The rest of the week was spent in and around the Big Easy. The French Quarter, filled with tourists, music, a great deal of alcohol, better music, more alcohol, and great food. The Garden district, with funky Magazine Street, some of the best graveyards in the country, and some still remaining houses that were ruined in Katrina. We saw alligators in the Bayous, and ate shrimp, oysters and grits everywhere.
Now, we have returned to New England and are again, freezing our asses off.
It's great to get away. It's fun to talk to people who I don't have to try to help.
Again, I am left with the perception that I do not think in the manner of many of my countrymen. I do not immediately look for a business angle of for the faster pleasures. I always seem to feel that things are more complex than what is being presented.
Often, I am left feeling that I just make my own life more difficult, but it's too late to change that, and I don't want to anyway, because, even though I say I'm open minded, I know I'm right.
But they sure do have some big boats going up and down that river. I could sit in that warm sun, with a beer in my hand, and watch them go by all day. Not much complex about that.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Pissed off
Back at work, and the pressure of cramming it all into three days still makes me uneasy. It gives me the luxury of being selective. I have to give some people more time between appointments. It forces me to choose even more; who to see and who to make wait. In many ways it's healthy for all of us. I can't just see people who want to unload on me. I want to put the time into those who will use the opportunity, whatever it is we do together, to move forward.
But so many people are so angry these days. There is such a feeling of distrust. People feel that their employer cannot be trusted, many are angry at the government, for reasons that are never clear, they are angry at the pressure they feel for money, with rising prices and stagnant wages. They are angry that so many people are angry. And everyone feels entitled to be angry in response.
For thirty years I have sat with couples who scream a each other, but now there are lines that are crossed much more often. Words are used that would never have been mentioned, very sharp verbal knives come out much quicker and cut much deeper. So many people seem to feel that relationships are just temporary. This city is very diverse, and yet this seems to cross many cultures. Men slip away; women are quick to pull back, they detach and give-up on the relationship quickly. It's not worth the effort to save it.
The drama of adolescents is much more intense also, and seems to be much meaner. Kids always found ways to put each other down and define a pecking order, and those on the bottom always suffered, but there seems to be a relentless need for some kids, often young girls, to destroy others, to drive them out of the group, to completely humiliate them. Everyone is at risk.
Tell me if I'm wrong. Maybe I just saw too many people today, after doing nothing yesterday. Nothing was kind of fun, but not very exciting. This is very exciting, but not really fun.
But so many people are so angry these days. There is such a feeling of distrust. People feel that their employer cannot be trusted, many are angry at the government, for reasons that are never clear, they are angry at the pressure they feel for money, with rising prices and stagnant wages. They are angry that so many people are angry. And everyone feels entitled to be angry in response.
For thirty years I have sat with couples who scream a each other, but now there are lines that are crossed much more often. Words are used that would never have been mentioned, very sharp verbal knives come out much quicker and cut much deeper. So many people seem to feel that relationships are just temporary. This city is very diverse, and yet this seems to cross many cultures. Men slip away; women are quick to pull back, they detach and give-up on the relationship quickly. It's not worth the effort to save it.
The drama of adolescents is much more intense also, and seems to be much meaner. Kids always found ways to put each other down and define a pecking order, and those on the bottom always suffered, but there seems to be a relentless need for some kids, often young girls, to destroy others, to drive them out of the group, to completely humiliate them. Everyone is at risk.
Tell me if I'm wrong. Maybe I just saw too many people today, after doing nothing yesterday. Nothing was kind of fun, but not very exciting. This is very exciting, but not really fun.
Friday, April 01, 2011
I worry, but...
I go back to work now, and only work three days. It's very strange. I am trying to adjust but it is difficult. I take Monday and Friday off, so if the warm weather ever comes I will have long weekends to make sure the tide comes in. But on Mondays I still feel guilty. I wonder who gave me permission to stay home.
But work is easy. Three days is nothing. I could probably see a hundred people in three days, but I stop at 27. That's enough. Then I begin to get tired. But, by them, I'm done. I have a long weekend!.. It's a vacation!
I've been seeing a lot of people in their late 20s and early thirties, and I worry about them. The ones that reach me, here in this struggling old mill city and struggling themselves. Most of them are either still taking courses to finish college, have finished after five to ten years, or have dropped out. They have jobs they don't like, and make enough to pay the rent if they live together. They don't really make enough to get married and have a family.
They come from families that fell apart in their youth. They have fathers they rarely see. Their mothers have had several relationships that seem to last three to eight years, but are destined to end badly, or to just fade away. Many of those who I see really don't know how to expect something better.
Today's economic situation does not help. High paying jobs are scare and need specialized training.
So many of my clients, who are now 28 to 42, still live the life of a 23 year-old. They drink too much. They roll in and out of bed with friends and neighbors they hardly know. They rack up credit card debt that may or may not get paid in their lifetimes.
I see about five or six people like this now. Each of them seems to have six to ten friends who are really worse off then they are, but are too scared to come to treatment. Most of the ones that come to see me do so because they really want to do something about it. And most of them do. They slowly grow up, and do the difficult and/or boring things that growing up requires.
But it sounds like many, many of their friends don't. They continue to drink too much, to give-up on themselves, to let life just drift by.
I worry about them. There are many, many, of them who take too many drugs, still play too many video games, and skip work at Target or the supermarket or the call center, where they get paid $8.50 an hour.
But. in truth, although it seems as if our society is terrible, mean and demeaning, it has always been this way. In fact, it is probably better now.
Things were worse fifty years ago, much worse a hundred years ago, and inconceivably bad before that. But then, many people just got sick and died, and that was the way it was.
Now, with health care, machines, and the marvelous new technology, there is not only the expectation, but also the capability of finding ways for so many more people to live decently, and become comfortable and productive.
But, really, there is not the general will to care about too many people, especially if it may make you, me, or anyone, a bit more uncomfortable.
This is not new. It seems to be part of who we are.
But work is easy. Three days is nothing. I could probably see a hundred people in three days, but I stop at 27. That's enough. Then I begin to get tired. But, by them, I'm done. I have a long weekend!.. It's a vacation!
I've been seeing a lot of people in their late 20s and early thirties, and I worry about them. The ones that reach me, here in this struggling old mill city and struggling themselves. Most of them are either still taking courses to finish college, have finished after five to ten years, or have dropped out. They have jobs they don't like, and make enough to pay the rent if they live together. They don't really make enough to get married and have a family.
They come from families that fell apart in their youth. They have fathers they rarely see. Their mothers have had several relationships that seem to last three to eight years, but are destined to end badly, or to just fade away. Many of those who I see really don't know how to expect something better.
Today's economic situation does not help. High paying jobs are scare and need specialized training.
So many of my clients, who are now 28 to 42, still live the life of a 23 year-old. They drink too much. They roll in and out of bed with friends and neighbors they hardly know. They rack up credit card debt that may or may not get paid in their lifetimes.
I see about five or six people like this now. Each of them seems to have six to ten friends who are really worse off then they are, but are too scared to come to treatment. Most of the ones that come to see me do so because they really want to do something about it. And most of them do. They slowly grow up, and do the difficult and/or boring things that growing up requires.
But it sounds like many, many of their friends don't. They continue to drink too much, to give-up on themselves, to let life just drift by.
I worry about them. There are many, many, of them who take too many drugs, still play too many video games, and skip work at Target or the supermarket or the call center, where they get paid $8.50 an hour.
But. in truth, although it seems as if our society is terrible, mean and demeaning, it has always been this way. In fact, it is probably better now.
Things were worse fifty years ago, much worse a hundred years ago, and inconceivably bad before that. But then, many people just got sick and died, and that was the way it was.
Now, with health care, machines, and the marvelous new technology, there is not only the expectation, but also the capability of finding ways for so many more people to live decently, and become comfortable and productive.
But, really, there is not the general will to care about too many people, especially if it may make you, me, or anyone, a bit more uncomfortable.
This is not new. It seems to be part of who we are.
Monday, March 28, 2011
tortoise vs. hare
The two of the came in at successive hours. Both extreems of what you can be.
One, out there to make millions, talking, screaming, planning, forecasting out six months to ten years, putting things in motion: phone calls, emails, banners, social contacts, meetings all set-up. My job is to keep him just this side of psychotic. If he succeeds he will be thought of a brilliant. If it all blows up and falls apart; he will be just another bipolar disorder, needing more medication.
Look at the heads of many of your most successful start-ups and you will seem guys just like this. But you can look at the guys standing outside of the pub, flicking cigarettes and talking rag-time. The differences are slight.
The next hour the tortoise came in. He carefully obsesses over each detail of each decision. What are the possible reprecussions? What can go wrong? What will people think? Session after session he seems to go over the same things. But he slowly, cautiously moves forward, often aware of the price he pays for hesitating, but also knowing that worrying about the risk would have ruined everything anyway.
Thankfully, most people fall between these two. But we all have tendencies to go more one way than the other. Often people seem to choose areas of their lives to take risks and be a bit "out-there": business, investing, relationships, sports, drinking, drugs, sex, or just not doing their taxes. I am no longer surprised to find how many people seem measured, reasonable and secure, and yet will do one or two really wild, fucked up things, and do them over and over.
Keeps things interesting.
One, out there to make millions, talking, screaming, planning, forecasting out six months to ten years, putting things in motion: phone calls, emails, banners, social contacts, meetings all set-up. My job is to keep him just this side of psychotic. If he succeeds he will be thought of a brilliant. If it all blows up and falls apart; he will be just another bipolar disorder, needing more medication.
Look at the heads of many of your most successful start-ups and you will seem guys just like this. But you can look at the guys standing outside of the pub, flicking cigarettes and talking rag-time. The differences are slight.
The next hour the tortoise came in. He carefully obsesses over each detail of each decision. What are the possible reprecussions? What can go wrong? What will people think? Session after session he seems to go over the same things. But he slowly, cautiously moves forward, often aware of the price he pays for hesitating, but also knowing that worrying about the risk would have ruined everything anyway.
Thankfully, most people fall between these two. But we all have tendencies to go more one way than the other. Often people seem to choose areas of their lives to take risks and be a bit "out-there": business, investing, relationships, sports, drinking, drugs, sex, or just not doing their taxes. I am no longer surprised to find how many people seem measured, reasonable and secure, and yet will do one or two really wild, fucked up things, and do them over and over.
Keeps things interesting.
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