Monday, September 17, 2007

too harsh

Last spring I saw a twenty-five year-old young man. He had been in and out of several colleges and was living at home. He was obviously bright, and articulate, but he was struggling to get his life started.

He came to see me four times. He explained his family situation and how his parents were constantly engaged in a not too civil war. He was the go-between. He felt that he was the one who kept the family together. When he had gone away to school his parents had separated. When he returned they came back together.

He has two younger siblings. One had gone off to school far away. She called once a month. The younger one was a senior in high school. Once he got his driver's license he was hardly ever home.

My client explained how his mother would come into his room many evenings and cry. His father would corner him the next morning to find out what she said. This, he could see, was causing him a great deal of stress and confusion. He was worried all the time. He spoke of the times he had gone away to school, or even for the weekend and how good and free he felt.

He also told me that whenever he tried to pull away his mother would tell him about all the psychiatric problems he had. She would give him different diagnoses she read about. She would call his MD to get him on medication for depression, ADD or bipolar. He didn't want to take them.

I worked with him to show him that he had options. That at 25 he didn't need to take care of his parents. They had to make their own life decisions. Their marriage would have to survive or not without him. He had his own career plans that were different from what his parents wanted him to do. He also wanted to spend time with people other than his family.

The last time I saw him he was in my waiting room. As he came into my office he got a call from his mother. She seemed upset that he was still seeing me, and she was having some crisis at home. He left and never came back.

I saw him downtown over the weekend. He was walking with him mother. He had gained about twenty-five pounds. It looked like the puffy kind of weight gain you get from taking some psychiatric medications.

I thought the things I was saying were obvious, but as a form of therapy, they were too harsh. He wasn't strong enough to take her on.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a pityful waste of not one, not two, but three lives!

I'm apalled by the consequences of the sins of weakness that mothers and fathers commit against their young. It's no wonder there are so many ill-adjusted young people who are not only struggling with the challenges of present days, but who are also expected to carry mom and/or dad because these parents never did fully develop, or evolved nor grew up themselves.

And to think that these kids will eventually become parents themselves one day and carry on these 'family values and traditions' in the name of 'unconditional love', which you didn't ask me but I'll tell you anyway: it doesn't exist. Love comes with lots of conditions, responsibilities and accountabilities, unless of course, you're not strong enough to accept it as such...

And as for that one anonymous commenter who's taken to criticizing your ethics, well, I'd be willing to bet that the statement above applies to her, even if just slightly modified to suit her particular instance.

IMHO You're not harsh, it's just that some people are just too sissy to hear it like it is.

Keep on keeping on!

Lena said...

It is a heartbreaking.....

I used to love to read M.Scott Peck... your blog sometimes reminds me of his writings.

Grad007 said...

This sad story reminds me very much of my own family.

Amanda said...

Sounds familiar. Except that I was the one who managed to get away as soon as I turned 18.

Very far away.

Ms. Meander said...

ok, maybe, but the words are in there, in his head. when he is ready, they will come back to him. you planted a seed.

i hope someday he is galvanized enough to get away.

Anonymous said...

Sugar-coating is considered a much more compassionate way to help others deal with the bitter pill of some realities. Sure, it tastes much better, but unfortunately, more often than not, it's not the right dose nor the cure for some ills.

These 'medicines' need to be taken and swallowed in one swift gulp...might be bitter at first but their effectiveness will become evident sooner than later...

Anonymous said...

@anon1 - there certainly is a thing called "unconditional love". i know that.

therapist, i agree with melanie - you did plant a seed. sometimes that's all that you can accomplish.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with anon/mom, there's such a thing as unconditional love: it comes from God and brand-new babies.