Ten years ago, while she was going through a difficult divorce from her abusive husband, Sandra become friends with Sam who was also going through hard time. He was working on kicking his drug problem. His recovery had become more complex because while he was high he crashed his car into a pole and sustained some brain damage. They moved in together.
Now, some things have changed and some haven't Sandra is over the trauma of her bad marriage. She has lost the weight, and also shed the depression. She wants to get out and have a life. She has new job and a new outlook.
Same, for the most part is drug-free, but he still has slips once in while, especially if he gets angry at Sandra. Sandra also realized that the extent of his brain injury is worse than she thought. He is a rigid thinker, who gets angry and frustrated easily. He is also usually in a foul mood and complains that she never does anything for him. He is on several medications that keep him calm but make him impotent.
Sandra is ready to move on. She even has someone lined up. The only problem is that if she moves Sam out she is pretty sure he will be in jail, a mental hospital, or dead within six months. She is attached to him and it makes her feel as if she would be abandoning her child on a highway.
She called his family. They told her they were surprised is was still alive, and that was more than he deserves.
What is a woman to do?
Suggestions are welcome.
9 comments:
Stay in the situation until she stops caring about what will happen to him after she leaves.
Suggest she goes to Al-Anon
Get out of the relationship now...If she stays she will become an enabler.
Everyone thinks and feels that they have to stay and change the person.
Meeting these men it sounds like its a cycle for Sandy - to meet the same type of men.
She needs separate therapy herself and realize that she deserves the best life has to offer.
Btw, advising her to join a cult might not be the best of ideas.
"Sandra is ready to move on. She even has someone lined up."
I just read this part...Why is it that "SOME" Women feel that they need a man to be happy or they need another man to pick up the pieces?
It sounds like Sandy isn't at all independent within herself and she needs to let go of these troubled men and maybe be on her own for awhile.
this is a real tough one - i think amanda is on the right track (as usual). if it was just the relapse to drugs that would be one thing, but permanent brain damage is another thing altogether. perhaps she should get someone "lined up" for her husband. that's what i would try... but i am a sneaky one.
i agree with tery too - it's baffling to me how many people will not quit a relationship until they have someone waiting in the wings. that's just so not right - are they terrified of being independent?
1. I think Sandra could maybe find a group home for Sam, for example a supervised one for people with mental disabilities. It sounds like Sam will need some kind of supervision after Sandra leaves him.
2. Perhaps a nursing service could check up on Sam once a week, to see that he is still looking after himself.
3. If Sandra doesn't own the house, maybe she can move out?
4. Sandra could encourage Sam to find another avenue of support, for example Narcotics Anonymous or his own therapist.
5. I don't think Sandra should wait too long. If none of the above works, she should just leave him. If she feels guilt at abondoning an adult, she could check on him by telephone now and then.
6. Daily doses' point on independence is a good one. It sounds like Sandy has not spent time as her own woman.
she deserves to have a life. his brain damage is the result of his own life choices, it's not her cross to bear. continue therapy until her boundaries are such that she can separate her own personal tragedies and issues from those of others.
harsh? maybe. but, damn it, she didn't ram him into that pole. and a life partner should not feel like a child, in any case.
I found your blog a few days ago. Now I'm reading a lot of your stuf because I just love it. I can reed more english than I write it... but, this is life, so...
I hope to visit your blog more often.
Kisses take care
bye*
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