Non-tech - just not good

A colleague of mine from across the city sent them to me.  He has been seeing her in therapy for eight years.  Another therapist we know has been seeing him for only three.  They came to me, I thought, to work on their relationship.

But soon after they arrived the husband announced, pretty clearly, that the relationship was dead.  From his years in therapy he had learned to finally express himself and to take steps to pull himself out of what was a long-term depression, that he didn't even realize he was in.

He said that for years he has felt unappreciated, disregarded, and demeaned.  He said that he felt his wife was always bossing him around and he didn't like it.  He wanted to get a divorce.

His wife broke into tears. She had not realized that he had reached this decision.  She was still hoping to learn what she could do to save the marriage.

Fine, this happens, I often see people who know that the relationship is over. Sometimes they need a safe place to say everything.  Then they leave.  His wife was not in favor of ending the marriage, but she seemed to realize that she cannot stay in it by herself.

But this was different.  After it was clear how this husband felt, I asked about his plans, and how he expected to move the process of ending the marriage forward.

He had no plans.

Did he expect to leave soon?  Did he have a place to go?  Would he work out temporary support payments? How did he want to tell the kids?

He didn't know.

I asked if he realized that now that he had laid this bomb out on the table, things would be different at home.

He said that he had been working for a long time to clear up his thoughts and express himself.  Now that he had done that he was very pleased.  But he had no idea of what the next step would be or when it would occur.

I think I can see why she bosses him around.

Really, there is a 50/50 chance that they will stay together.  He got it out, he made her cry, that may be all he needed.  Perhaps now he can assert himself in other ways that will make her happy, and then she can respect him and make him happy.

or, perhaps he is already screwing someone in his office and she makes him feel very special.