Pow, Biff, Bang, Pow!

Another attractive couple, both in their mid-thirties, three boys in their teens. They both had good jobs with big corporations. He came in with a smirk that indicated he was braced for what was to come. She already had tears in her eyes.

Fifty minutes later the smoke was thick from all the shots fired. Each was emotionally bleeding from the same wounds that had been opened over and over and never had a chance to heal.

It seems she had very strong reasons to believe that he cheated on her with a woman he had worked with. He admitted that he had been "over-involved" with this woman for several months, but that he had never done anything that he couldn't live with, and anyway, whatever it was ended in February of 06.

She was still thinking about it as if it were this afternoon. She brought out a copy of his cell-phone bill from December of 05.

He brought up long-standing issues of her sexual and emotional indifference. He make it clear that he has always been the more involved parent. She agreed that he was a good father, but she was saddled with the responsibilities of a sick mother and a dysfunctional sister.

I kept asking them what they expected me to do. I told them that if they wanted someone to tally up the hits, then that wasn't my job. If they came because they wanted to stay together, I could see that they both still, in some ways cared about each other. But, each had been hurt badly, and that we would have to find a way to build some trust.

She said she didn't think she could ever trust him. He said there was nothing more he could say that would change her mind.

I told them that if they needed to say that they came to therapy to give it one last try before they gave up, then I would right them each a note saying they tried.

I told them to call me if I could be a help in their staying together or breaking apart. I told them that if they came to see me two years ago maybe there would have been more flexibility. They both had come from complex backgrounds that had led them into this kind of a relationship, but it would take months to sort it all out, If they wanted wanted to go that route then they had to be willing to hang in there and show some patience and tolerance.

Again, I told them that I could never, and would never try to figure out who was right.

I don't expect a call.

I have one plant that has been with me in whatever office I've been in for over thirty years. It grows sideways on two big stalks. It's some kind of an ivy but I treat it like a bonsai. It has certainly heard a lot. I often wonder how it survives.