Why is Lisa like this?

Today, Lisa talked some more of how and why she has always felt different, different from everyone, even those in her own family. She was the third of four children and she remembers that as early as when she was three years-old she could see that her brothers and sister could have fun. They would laugh and tease each other, but she was always sad. If someone teased her she never said anything in return, and then would cry all night.

She cried when she first went to school. She sat by herself most of the time and wouldn't make eye contact with the teacher. She could only have one friend at a time, and by the time she reached high school, that was too many.

She spent her days in high school walking through the halls with her head down so she she didn't have to look at anyone. It was then that she learned that when there are too many people around and the anxiety kept rising, she could count to 100, and by the time she finished she would probably be safe.

She decided that in order to avoid attention in high school she would do her work perfectly so that the teachers would not have to check on her. She was often up until three in the morning doing homework. She checked it and rechecked it six or seven times. She got all As and never said a word.

To take a break, after school she would get on a city bus and ride it to the end of the line. Then she would get out and walk home, from wherever she was. It was usually a three to five hour walk. If someone was walking towards her she would cross the street.

She went to the local college but the pressure to stay perfect kept building. Being in college she learned to drink. She found the drinking relieved her anxiety. She was mostly drunk for the next two years. Being drunk allowed her to let herself do things she had only read about. That's how she got pregnant.

She dropped out and moved home. Her mother again took very close control of her life. Now, because of coming to therapy, she has stayed sober and moved out with her son. She gets money from disability (SSDI) to pay the rent. That is supplemented by some money she gets from her lover, who is married, but comes a couple of times a week. That is the perfect relationship for her at this time.

Clearly, explaining what is wrong with Lisa begins with assuming that she is constitutionally, physiologically, different from most people. Somewhere in her there is a heightened sensitivity, and much stronger vigilance than in almost everyone you know. Yes, it was exacerbated by her chaotic family, her alcoholic father, her controlling mother, her attacking, sometimes violent brothers. But there is something in Lisa that really is different, and that he needs to learn to control.

She has been on all kinds of medications. Most of them slow down her scary thoughts, but they slow her down too. She gains weight and she gets very tired.

It is it just in her genes? Or how the DNA was expressed through RNA given her living conditions? That seems more like it. It is always an interaction between who someone is physically,biologically and genetically, with what perceptions, sensations and interpersonal connections happen to them. But sometimes, much more rarely than the drug companies want you to believe, the balance is way over on one side.

From much of my reading I would say it may have something to do with the formation and development of her amygdala. There are many people doing a lot of exploration into what this area of the brain does, and how it does it. But it going to be a long time before I would let anyone mess with my amygdala.

Still, with insight, support and practice, change will take place. But for Lisa, the sensitivity will never go away. Probably, Emily Dickinson was that way too.