As you can see, I took the World Series off from Blogging. The damn games ran so long. The Sox like to run long counts. They also like to score many runs, which brings in many new pitchers and takes a long time. I can't imagine anyone outside of New England or Colorado stuck around too long, and probably not everyone in Colorado.
But in New England everyone was up all night. Everyone was excited and wearing Red Sox stuff. You go to get coffee, or to the airport or to buy a Chevy, and everyone was decked out.
I don't think any other region cares about its pro sports teams as much as up here. The people here are not that superficially friendly or outgoing. We don't make eye contact walking down the street. We are not generally jolly. We expect sleet, ice and driving Northeasters. Our forefathers farmed rocky soil and had a short growing season. We had somber preachers, and the Puritan Ethic.
For years we all were united in misery about the Sox. Five years ago when Grady Little left Pedro in the game, and he went on to lose to the Yankees, everyone was depressed for two weeks. Even my depressed clients got more depressed.
But now we expected the Sox to win, and they did. The Patriots, our local football entry are run by a maniacal genius who will soon get the team to score 100 points a game. This isn't Southern college football, with the good-ol-boys drinking and crashing into each other, this is the best football team ever.
New England comes out of its reserved stupor to watch and nod.
When anyone inquires about whether we take it too seriously or try too hard or cheer too loud, we now have the refrain that I hear more and more from friends and clients.
The basic description of the world that tells all and reveals nothing comes from the lips of Coach Bill Belichick:
"It is what it is."
And that is true. Take it or leave it. Like it or Not. We are who we are. No more and no less. No more explanation is needed or will be forth coming.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
what to do?
I've spoke about this woman before. She is a great lady who was dealt a terrible hand.
It is bad enough that her father put her down, demeaned her, cursed her and actually put a gun to her head, but then she had to spend a year taking care of him as he died of cancer.
But physically, for many reasons, many of them unknown,some probably stress related, and for many years, she has been a mess. Her digestive system constantly turns things into liquid, at one end or the other. She has terrible osteo-arthritis; her back, hips and knees are crumbling. She had one knee replaced and the anesthetic didn't hold and she woke up during the operation. Six months later she had a heart-attack. They put stents into her and her arteries tightened and crushed the stents. She can barely walk, hardly breathe, and not eat much.
Then, from all the medicine her kidneys failed. They took her to the hospital and got everything going as well as the could.
They they sent her home and won't give her any pain-killers. They tell her, probably correctly, that her kidney's can't process them any more. So now, she sees me and can hardly move because the pain in so many areas is so great.
She wants me to talk to her doctors and tell them to give her some pain medicine. They won't do it because of the liability (who would hold them responsible?) They tell me to teach her to hypnotize herself.
She thought that was really funny.
It is bad enough that her father put her down, demeaned her, cursed her and actually put a gun to her head, but then she had to spend a year taking care of him as he died of cancer.
But physically, for many reasons, many of them unknown,some probably stress related, and for many years, she has been a mess. Her digestive system constantly turns things into liquid, at one end or the other. She has terrible osteo-arthritis; her back, hips and knees are crumbling. She had one knee replaced and the anesthetic didn't hold and she woke up during the operation. Six months later she had a heart-attack. They put stents into her and her arteries tightened and crushed the stents. She can barely walk, hardly breathe, and not eat much.
Then, from all the medicine her kidneys failed. They took her to the hospital and got everything going as well as the could.
They they sent her home and won't give her any pain-killers. They tell her, probably correctly, that her kidney's can't process them any more. So now, she sees me and can hardly move because the pain in so many areas is so great.
She wants me to talk to her doctors and tell them to give her some pain medicine. They won't do it because of the liability (who would hold them responsible?) They tell me to teach her to hypnotize herself.
She thought that was really funny.
Friday, October 19, 2007
partial list
Freudian Psychoanalysis
Jungian Psychoanalysis
Adlerian too
Harry Stack Sulliwan and Karen Horney
plain old psychodynamic psychotherapy
oject relations theory
Orgone therapy
Primal Scream Therapy
Behaviorism (Watson)
Behaviorism (Skinner)
Cognitive Therapy
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Dialetical Behavioral Therapy
Rational Emotive Therapy
Family Therapy
Family Systems Therapy
Interpersonal Therapy
Cleint-Centered Therapy
Non-Directive Therapy
Somewhat Directive Therapy
Brief Psychotherapy
Problem Focused Brief Therapy
Eclectro Shock Therapy
Group Therapy
Couple Therapy
Couple Group Therapy
lobotomy
A good kick in the ass
Art Therapy
Music Therapy
Dance Therapy
Aroma Therapy
Hypnotherapy
In vivo phobia therapy
virtual phobia therapy
All You Need is Love
Eclectic Polymorphous Interpsychic Intergalatic Intensive Therapy
I know the list is incomplete so please feel free to add your own, but I'm going to watch some football.
Jungian Psychoanalysis
Adlerian too
Harry Stack Sulliwan and Karen Horney
plain old psychodynamic psychotherapy
oject relations theory
Orgone therapy
Primal Scream Therapy
Behaviorism (Watson)
Behaviorism (Skinner)
Cognitive Therapy
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Dialetical Behavioral Therapy
Rational Emotive Therapy
Family Therapy
Family Systems Therapy
Interpersonal Therapy
Cleint-Centered Therapy
Non-Directive Therapy
Somewhat Directive Therapy
Brief Psychotherapy
Problem Focused Brief Therapy
Eclectro Shock Therapy
Group Therapy
Couple Therapy
Couple Group Therapy
lobotomy
A good kick in the ass
Art Therapy
Music Therapy
Dance Therapy
Aroma Therapy
Hypnotherapy
In vivo phobia therapy
virtual phobia therapy
All You Need is Love
Eclectic Polymorphous Interpsychic Intergalatic Intensive Therapy
I know the list is incomplete so please feel free to add your own, but I'm going to watch some football.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
more of same
I have talked about this before, and it still kind of amazes me.
Over the last two days I have spent six hours talking to people who openly admit they are in terrible relationships. Not just bad, but terrible. Relationships full of lies, deception, humiliation, infidelity, stealing, constant degradation, and worse.
None of them have to endure actual physical abuse -- "I wouldn't stand of that!" they all say.
But there is no evidence they wouldn't, because they stand for everything else.
Yet, to actually leave such a relationship is very difficult. Neither party wants to be together, they both at times will say they despise the other, but no one can break it off.
None of these couples come to me together. In all of these six cases I only see one person. If they would come together things would come out in the open and something would be resolved. Both parties know this, so they don't come together.
The reasons they keep this torture going are countless, and different for each person. But they are very powerful. They include an overwhelming fear, of rejection, abandonment, of loss, of failure, of loneliness, and of being a loser.
In most cases, once they leave, they regret that they had not done so sooner. But they don't know that now.
Many insurance companies give us eight sessions to deal with all of this. It's a great system.
Over the last two days I have spent six hours talking to people who openly admit they are in terrible relationships. Not just bad, but terrible. Relationships full of lies, deception, humiliation, infidelity, stealing, constant degradation, and worse.
None of them have to endure actual physical abuse -- "I wouldn't stand of that!" they all say.
But there is no evidence they wouldn't, because they stand for everything else.
Yet, to actually leave such a relationship is very difficult. Neither party wants to be together, they both at times will say they despise the other, but no one can break it off.
None of these couples come to me together. In all of these six cases I only see one person. If they would come together things would come out in the open and something would be resolved. Both parties know this, so they don't come together.
The reasons they keep this torture going are countless, and different for each person. But they are very powerful. They include an overwhelming fear, of rejection, abandonment, of loss, of failure, of loneliness, and of being a loser.
In most cases, once they leave, they regret that they had not done so sooner. But they don't know that now.
Many insurance companies give us eight sessions to deal with all of this. It's a great system.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Carl Rogers
50 years ago Carl Rogers published an article in a psychology journal about how he does psychotherapy. It was a revolutionary article for its time as it broke away from the model of the "analyst" who knew more about the patient than the patient did about himself.
The article has been re-published in a journal this month. Reading it over I can see how much his thinking, and the thinking of the "Humanist School" as it was called at that time, has had an influence on my work, and on my standing as a person among people.
Roger's position is that the basics of therapy is that the therapist needs to be caring, that is giving unconditional positive regard; and understanding, the therapist needs to be able to be accurately empathetic about what the client is experiencing, and to know how this is affecting the client.
Underlying this is the belief that the client is a whole, valuable person, who has the capacity to determine what is best for him or herself. They have the best chance of figuring this out if they are given a safe and non-judgmental place to do so.
I have learned, through reading, practice, colleagues, work experience and life that these conditions are helpful to everyone, everywhere. If you don't challenge, bully, boss, or criticize someone, they have a much better chance of finding their own solution to whatever the problem is.
If you immediately come off as the expert you run a much greater risk of people telling you to go fuck yourself.
I have learned, through reading, practice, colleagues, work experience and life that successful psychotherapy involves much more than the conditions Rogers offers, but it can't really work without them.
The article has been re-published in a journal this month. Reading it over I can see how much his thinking, and the thinking of the "Humanist School" as it was called at that time, has had an influence on my work, and on my standing as a person among people.
Roger's position is that the basics of therapy is that the therapist needs to be caring, that is giving unconditional positive regard; and understanding, the therapist needs to be able to be accurately empathetic about what the client is experiencing, and to know how this is affecting the client.
Underlying this is the belief that the client is a whole, valuable person, who has the capacity to determine what is best for him or herself. They have the best chance of figuring this out if they are given a safe and non-judgmental place to do so.
I have learned, through reading, practice, colleagues, work experience and life that these conditions are helpful to everyone, everywhere. If you don't challenge, bully, boss, or criticize someone, they have a much better chance of finding their own solution to whatever the problem is.
If you immediately come off as the expert you run a much greater risk of people telling you to go fuck yourself.
I have learned, through reading, practice, colleagues, work experience and life that successful psychotherapy involves much more than the conditions Rogers offers, but it can't really work without them.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
not the first choice
His mother brought him down to my office. She filled out the paperwork, yelled at him and left him in the waiting room.
I came out to meet him as she was leaving. He was twice her size. He said nothing.
Zack has not been going to school and that is why she is making him come and see me. She told me so on the phone.
Zack is seventeen, about 6' 1," 200 lbs. He is an African American boy who embraces the role. He had the black sweatshirt, the baggy jeans, the bandanna. He rolled into my office slowly, sat down and stared at me.
"Do you want to be here, or does she want you here?" I asked.
"Her" he answered.
During the next 45 minutes we had a conversation. He was polite and answered my questions. Some of his answers were real, some were just what he thought I wanted to hear.
If I were him I wouldn't open up to me, some middle-aged white guy. How can he possibly trust me?
Perhaps if he comes six more times he will realize that I mean him no harm. I could be of some use to him if he really wanted to discuss things with me, like about how to handle the world, and what his options are. But he doesn't know that; how could he?
All I am to him is the guy who can keep him from getting a probation officer.
I wish there was an alternative, but there isn't much to choose from around here.
I came out to meet him as she was leaving. He was twice her size. He said nothing.
Zack has not been going to school and that is why she is making him come and see me. She told me so on the phone.
Zack is seventeen, about 6' 1," 200 lbs. He is an African American boy who embraces the role. He had the black sweatshirt, the baggy jeans, the bandanna. He rolled into my office slowly, sat down and stared at me.
"Do you want to be here, or does she want you here?" I asked.
"Her" he answered.
During the next 45 minutes we had a conversation. He was polite and answered my questions. Some of his answers were real, some were just what he thought I wanted to hear.
If I were him I wouldn't open up to me, some middle-aged white guy. How can he possibly trust me?
Perhaps if he comes six more times he will realize that I mean him no harm. I could be of some use to him if he really wanted to discuss things with me, like about how to handle the world, and what his options are. But he doesn't know that; how could he?
All I am to him is the guy who can keep him from getting a probation officer.
I wish there was an alternative, but there isn't much to choose from around here.
Friday, October 05, 2007
priorities
Yes it gets kind of absurd sometimes.
I spend a day in which I see a person whose husband just died of ALS. The next hour I see a kid whose father died of cancer AND his mother was murdered. I saw a kid who got thrown out of school because the Spanish kids were fighting with the white kids. The next guy is having his house foreclosed.
There are worse. It would take hours to write it all in a way that would make sense. People's lives get so complex and some are so sad, and this isn't even Baghdad.
But I leave the office whistling and all I really want to know is if the Sox are going to win. It's the playoffs. That's something to care about.
I spend a day in which I see a person whose husband just died of ALS. The next hour I see a kid whose father died of cancer AND his mother was murdered. I saw a kid who got thrown out of school because the Spanish kids were fighting with the white kids. The next guy is having his house foreclosed.
There are worse. It would take hours to write it all in a way that would make sense. People's lives get so complex and some are so sad, and this isn't even Baghdad.
But I leave the office whistling and all I really want to know is if the Sox are going to win. It's the playoffs. That's something to care about.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
a disturbing trend
I know you have noticed, but our new technologies have moved more and more communications from written word to pictures and videos. On most news-type websites if you click on a headline you will more often get a video as you will a text article.
Many more people watch movies or buy (or download for free) music than read books or magazines. Reading is slipping away; writing is worse, my mother would be appalled.
Does it really matter? For a while, I didn't think so. New technologies make the brain work differently, and people adapt to the way the world is. Using a computer has certainly enriched our lives. Without it I couldn't read all of your blogs and get to know what goes on in your heads.
I remember when cell-phone technology first allowed people to take pictures. I thought -- who would ever want to take pictures all the time. But now people do, all the time. Why they do it still baffles me, but they certainly do. I went to a Red Sox game and the people in front of me must have taken ninety pictures. Pictures of them at the game, of the players, of the hot dog guy, of them eating hot dogs, buying popcorn, the popcorn guy. I don't know if they will ever look at them. They never looked at the game.
But, who cares. They had a good time.
But, now studies are coming out that show that if you don't read and write, and instead let your brain get information by watching videos, your use of language diminishes. Your brain gets sloppy. You don't have as many complex ways to express yourself, and hence you don't rely on as many complex ways to think.
The world is complicated. If we think about it only in simple terms, then we get simple solutions.
That is how we got our current President. He counted on people to be like him and think in simple terms about complex problems.
Now, our country is the butt of the world and a lot of people are dead and dying, have bad health care, bad mortgages, high credit card debt, bad science, polluted air, dependence on fossil fuels, and fear of foreigners. Not good.
See, it makes a difference. (to put it simply)
Go on -- read,think,type, read.
Many more people watch movies or buy (or download for free) music than read books or magazines. Reading is slipping away; writing is worse, my mother would be appalled.
Does it really matter? For a while, I didn't think so. New technologies make the brain work differently, and people adapt to the way the world is. Using a computer has certainly enriched our lives. Without it I couldn't read all of your blogs and get to know what goes on in your heads.
I remember when cell-phone technology first allowed people to take pictures. I thought -- who would ever want to take pictures all the time. But now people do, all the time. Why they do it still baffles me, but they certainly do. I went to a Red Sox game and the people in front of me must have taken ninety pictures. Pictures of them at the game, of the players, of the hot dog guy, of them eating hot dogs, buying popcorn, the popcorn guy. I don't know if they will ever look at them. They never looked at the game.
But, who cares. They had a good time.
But, now studies are coming out that show that if you don't read and write, and instead let your brain get information by watching videos, your use of language diminishes. Your brain gets sloppy. You don't have as many complex ways to express yourself, and hence you don't rely on as many complex ways to think.
The world is complicated. If we think about it only in simple terms, then we get simple solutions.
That is how we got our current President. He counted on people to be like him and think in simple terms about complex problems.
Now, our country is the butt of the world and a lot of people are dead and dying, have bad health care, bad mortgages, high credit card debt, bad science, polluted air, dependence on fossil fuels, and fear of foreigners. Not good.
See, it makes a difference. (to put it simply)
Go on -- read,think,type, read.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Progress?
P is now 47. When she was young her mother would hit her with an extension-chord, especially when P would ask her why "that man" was in the house again. The beatings ended when P broke her mother's ribs.
That start led P into a rough life of drinking, fighting and bad relationships. She is understandably quick to anger and can have volatile mood swings. If you piss her off, you know it.
But it's been years since she has hit anyone.
Her drinking is down to two or three times a month.
She has gotten rid of the men who abuse her.
She stays away from her sister, who still drinks heavily, and her brother who is back in jail.
But all this progress has left her alone, with no idea what to do. She doesn't like anyone, and no one likes her. She feels she doesn't fit it, except at the bars, but she knows that going there only leads to trouble.
So she stays at home and listens to right-wing radio and gets angry at the "liberals" who run big-government. She has some insight into the fact that they pay for her disability income and her medical care, but that only interferes with her anger.
I am looking for a spot in the world for her. It hasn't appeared yet, but we will keep looking.
That start led P into a rough life of drinking, fighting and bad relationships. She is understandably quick to anger and can have volatile mood swings. If you piss her off, you know it.
But it's been years since she has hit anyone.
Her drinking is down to two or three times a month.
She has gotten rid of the men who abuse her.
She stays away from her sister, who still drinks heavily, and her brother who is back in jail.
But all this progress has left her alone, with no idea what to do. She doesn't like anyone, and no one likes her. She feels she doesn't fit it, except at the bars, but she knows that going there only leads to trouble.
So she stays at home and listens to right-wing radio and gets angry at the "liberals" who run big-government. She has some insight into the fact that they pay for her disability income and her medical care, but that only interferes with her anger.
I am looking for a spot in the world for her. It hasn't appeared yet, but we will keep looking.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Repeat: Be honest
I have probably said this before, but it is really important.
Be honest with your therapist!
We are not going to reject you if you screw-up, even if you have screwed-up before.
Yes, we are happy when you make progress, and it makes us feel that we are all doing our part.
But, when I've been reassuring your probation office that you've been straight, clean and sober, and you end up passed out in the park, with a blood-alcohol of 3.4, don't come in and tell me that it was a medication reaction.
You see, I really think it is my job to find a way for you to learn new skills, like staying sober and being honest, but I need to know what is really going on.
I'm going home now,
maybe I'll have a drink, but at least I'll be honest about it.
Be honest with your therapist!
We are not going to reject you if you screw-up, even if you have screwed-up before.
Yes, we are happy when you make progress, and it makes us feel that we are all doing our part.
But, when I've been reassuring your probation office that you've been straight, clean and sober, and you end up passed out in the park, with a blood-alcohol of 3.4, don't come in and tell me that it was a medication reaction.
You see, I really think it is my job to find a way for you to learn new skills, like staying sober and being honest, but I need to know what is really going on.
I'm going home now,
maybe I'll have a drink, but at least I'll be honest about it.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Not a good sign
I went away for the end of August. I left everyone and went out in my kayak among the reeds and rushes.
When I came back I was relieved to find that no one had decompensated to the point of needing to go into the hospital. No one got arrested or had any major tragedy. That was good.
In fact it seemed like good things had happened while I was gone. R left me a message saying she would have to change her appointment because she had gotten engaged while I was away and that she was getting married on the Friday following my return.
This seemed a bit hasty because before I left she was telling me that after going out with this guy for six months she had several doubts about how loyal and committed he could be. I guess she felt he could demonstrate his commitment by marrying her.
In these matters I may say that I think this action is a bit rash, but I don't feel that it is my place to be against it. No one would listen anyway.
"Think about what you're doing." That's all I say.
Yesterday R left a message, she and he had just left the court house. They signed the papers ending the marriage. Not quite two weeks.
BUT, then he says to her. Now that we have finished with that disaster I think we can start totally fresh and this time we will get it right.
This time when I saw her I was more definitive. At least take a break, I said. Don't see him for a month. If you still want to talk to him after that, and if he is still there (which he won't be) then you can consider talking to him. Although I would think that enough is enough.
As far as relationships go, a two week marriage is not a good sign.
When I came back I was relieved to find that no one had decompensated to the point of needing to go into the hospital. No one got arrested or had any major tragedy. That was good.
In fact it seemed like good things had happened while I was gone. R left me a message saying she would have to change her appointment because she had gotten engaged while I was away and that she was getting married on the Friday following my return.
This seemed a bit hasty because before I left she was telling me that after going out with this guy for six months she had several doubts about how loyal and committed he could be. I guess she felt he could demonstrate his commitment by marrying her.
In these matters I may say that I think this action is a bit rash, but I don't feel that it is my place to be against it. No one would listen anyway.
"Think about what you're doing." That's all I say.
Yesterday R left a message, she and he had just left the court house. They signed the papers ending the marriage. Not quite two weeks.
BUT, then he says to her. Now that we have finished with that disaster I think we can start totally fresh and this time we will get it right.
This time when I saw her I was more definitive. At least take a break, I said. Don't see him for a month. If you still want to talk to him after that, and if he is still there (which he won't be) then you can consider talking to him. Although I would think that enough is enough.
As far as relationships go, a two week marriage is not a good sign.
Monday, September 17, 2007
too harsh
Last spring I saw a twenty-five year-old young man. He had been in and out of several colleges and was living at home. He was obviously bright, and articulate, but he was struggling to get his life started.
He came to see me four times. He explained his family situation and how his parents were constantly engaged in a not too civil war. He was the go-between. He felt that he was the one who kept the family together. When he had gone away to school his parents had separated. When he returned they came back together.
He has two younger siblings. One had gone off to school far away. She called once a month. The younger one was a senior in high school. Once he got his driver's license he was hardly ever home.
My client explained how his mother would come into his room many evenings and cry. His father would corner him the next morning to find out what she said. This, he could see, was causing him a great deal of stress and confusion. He was worried all the time. He spoke of the times he had gone away to school, or even for the weekend and how good and free he felt.
He also told me that whenever he tried to pull away his mother would tell him about all the psychiatric problems he had. She would give him different diagnoses she read about. She would call his MD to get him on medication for depression, ADD or bipolar. He didn't want to take them.
I worked with him to show him that he had options. That at 25 he didn't need to take care of his parents. They had to make their own life decisions. Their marriage would have to survive or not without him. He had his own career plans that were different from what his parents wanted him to do. He also wanted to spend time with people other than his family.
The last time I saw him he was in my waiting room. As he came into my office he got a call from his mother. She seemed upset that he was still seeing me, and she was having some crisis at home. He left and never came back.
I saw him downtown over the weekend. He was walking with him mother. He had gained about twenty-five pounds. It looked like the puffy kind of weight gain you get from taking some psychiatric medications.
I thought the things I was saying were obvious, but as a form of therapy, they were too harsh. He wasn't strong enough to take her on.
He came to see me four times. He explained his family situation and how his parents were constantly engaged in a not too civil war. He was the go-between. He felt that he was the one who kept the family together. When he had gone away to school his parents had separated. When he returned they came back together.
He has two younger siblings. One had gone off to school far away. She called once a month. The younger one was a senior in high school. Once he got his driver's license he was hardly ever home.
My client explained how his mother would come into his room many evenings and cry. His father would corner him the next morning to find out what she said. This, he could see, was causing him a great deal of stress and confusion. He was worried all the time. He spoke of the times he had gone away to school, or even for the weekend and how good and free he felt.
He also told me that whenever he tried to pull away his mother would tell him about all the psychiatric problems he had. She would give him different diagnoses she read about. She would call his MD to get him on medication for depression, ADD or bipolar. He didn't want to take them.
I worked with him to show him that he had options. That at 25 he didn't need to take care of his parents. They had to make their own life decisions. Their marriage would have to survive or not without him. He had his own career plans that were different from what his parents wanted him to do. He also wanted to spend time with people other than his family.
The last time I saw him he was in my waiting room. As he came into my office he got a call from his mother. She seemed upset that he was still seeing me, and she was having some crisis at home. He left and never came back.
I saw him downtown over the weekend. He was walking with him mother. He had gained about twenty-five pounds. It looked like the puffy kind of weight gain you get from taking some psychiatric medications.
I thought the things I was saying were obvious, but as a form of therapy, they were too harsh. He wasn't strong enough to take her on.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
What would you call it
I have been seeing this guy. He and his wife are seeing someone else for couples therapy. They are going there because he had an affair.
The affair is the typical thing. I hate to be so blase about these things, but they make up a good percentage of my business, and I certainly know these things happen. You know, you work with someone, you spend hours on a project. It goes late some nights. There is the excitement about getting something accomplished and working together.
In the meantime you wife of fifteen years is home with the kids. She fine. There's nothing really wrong, but things get a bit stale. She's put on a few pounds, the kids drive her crazy, she complains about the bills. Her mother is sick, her back hurts. All the stuff of life.
He crosses the line with this other woman. He gets dazzled by how much they have in common, by how flat her stomach is, but the way a different woman feels, smells and bounces around.
Then it blows up. Some little clue and the wife finds out.
Then the rying, yelling, remorse, contrition. The wife, the kids, the family, the shame.
Couples therapy, anger, hurt, blame, tears, more contrition. Finally, there is some rejuvenation, forgiveness, reconnection.
Then the guy comes to see me to work out his own issues, supposedly left over from childhood, and all he wants to tell he is that he is still seeing the other woman.
He knows it's wrong but he can't stay away. He doesn't want to leave his wife; she's been a great woman. But the pull, the chemistry, the fascination is still there and it is soooo powerful.
So, what's the diagnosis? Is he weak? crazy? selfish? self-destructive? danger-seeking? Does he hate women or love them too much? Is he going through a mid-life crisis or just reliving his father's sins.
or is lust just too powerful?
Probably all of the above.
The affair is the typical thing. I hate to be so blase about these things, but they make up a good percentage of my business, and I certainly know these things happen. You know, you work with someone, you spend hours on a project. It goes late some nights. There is the excitement about getting something accomplished and working together.
In the meantime you wife of fifteen years is home with the kids. She fine. There's nothing really wrong, but things get a bit stale. She's put on a few pounds, the kids drive her crazy, she complains about the bills. Her mother is sick, her back hurts. All the stuff of life.
He crosses the line with this other woman. He gets dazzled by how much they have in common, by how flat her stomach is, but the way a different woman feels, smells and bounces around.
Then it blows up. Some little clue and the wife finds out.
Then the rying, yelling, remorse, contrition. The wife, the kids, the family, the shame.
Couples therapy, anger, hurt, blame, tears, more contrition. Finally, there is some rejuvenation, forgiveness, reconnection.
Then the guy comes to see me to work out his own issues, supposedly left over from childhood, and all he wants to tell he is that he is still seeing the other woman.
He knows it's wrong but he can't stay away. He doesn't want to leave his wife; she's been a great woman. But the pull, the chemistry, the fascination is still there and it is soooo powerful.
So, what's the diagnosis? Is he weak? crazy? selfish? self-destructive? danger-seeking? Does he hate women or love them too much? Is he going through a mid-life crisis or just reliving his father's sins.
or is lust just too powerful?
Probably all of the above.
Monday, September 10, 2007
join the army
Here's something I learned today.
A couple of years ago I saw an angry kid who was about seventeen. He had a lot of reasons to be angry, including an abusive father who then vanished from his life. There were other problems. The young man was bright but very provocative and got himself thrown out of high school.
He tried to join the Marines but they wouldn't have him. That was in 2004. He spent the next three years getting fired from jobs, drinking, taking drugs and getting in fights.
Last week he went to the army recruiter. They not only signed him right up, they gave him some substance to drink before he went to take the army's drug test. They told him that when he was in the army he could drink all he wanted on his time off, but no drugs.
They told him that there was a chance he would end up in Iraq, but that by the time he was out of boot camp the war could be over. I'm not sure he knows where Iraq is.
They don't seem to care who drives those humvees any more.
(for those of you who continue to wonder -- don't worry -- this young man, and other people I mention here, probably won't read this blog, wouldn't be able to recognize themselves, due to altered details, and most wouldn't care anyway)
Love,
T
A couple of years ago I saw an angry kid who was about seventeen. He had a lot of reasons to be angry, including an abusive father who then vanished from his life. There were other problems. The young man was bright but very provocative and got himself thrown out of high school.
He tried to join the Marines but they wouldn't have him. That was in 2004. He spent the next three years getting fired from jobs, drinking, taking drugs and getting in fights.
Last week he went to the army recruiter. They not only signed him right up, they gave him some substance to drink before he went to take the army's drug test. They told him that when he was in the army he could drink all he wanted on his time off, but no drugs.
They told him that there was a chance he would end up in Iraq, but that by the time he was out of boot camp the war could be over. I'm not sure he knows where Iraq is.
They don't seem to care who drives those humvees any more.
(for those of you who continue to wonder -- don't worry -- this young man, and other people I mention here, probably won't read this blog, wouldn't be able to recognize themselves, due to altered details, and most wouldn't care anyway)
Love,
T
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
dangerous date?
Something happened to me this week that has happened twice before, but always feels a bit strange.
A mother was describing what happened this summer to her fifteen year-old, somewhat boy-crazy daughter. He daughter came home from a party that she had gone to up at the beach. The party was at someones house and this kid knew that kid, who knew kids from another town, who brought other kids, who knew other kids, so there were kids there from all over.
The girl spent the evening and into the night flirting, and maybe a little more, with a real cute boy she met. He was cute, he had the same sense of humor she did, and she was hoping to see him again.
Two days later the boy called and the daughter talked to him on the phone for over an hour. A few things that were mentioned caught the mother's attention. When the girl got off the phone the mother asked a few more questions. Then the mother got upset.
Later that night the mother made a few phone calls. The next day she told her daughter that she was not allowed to go out with that boy.
The daughter was upset and demanded an explanation. The mother cried, but avoided the question. After an hour or two of evasive answers the daughter was not accepting the decision. The mother told the girl to call her father -- the parents had been divorced for about five years, the daughter saw her father regularly.
The daughter got right on the phone and called her father. After fifteen minutes of a private discussion she hung-up the phone and ran to her room crying.
The father had told her that she couldn't see that boy because he was her brother, well, her half-brother technically.
Keeping secrets is always risky.
A mother was describing what happened this summer to her fifteen year-old, somewhat boy-crazy daughter. He daughter came home from a party that she had gone to up at the beach. The party was at someones house and this kid knew that kid, who knew kids from another town, who brought other kids, who knew other kids, so there were kids there from all over.
The girl spent the evening and into the night flirting, and maybe a little more, with a real cute boy she met. He was cute, he had the same sense of humor she did, and she was hoping to see him again.
Two days later the boy called and the daughter talked to him on the phone for over an hour. A few things that were mentioned caught the mother's attention. When the girl got off the phone the mother asked a few more questions. Then the mother got upset.
Later that night the mother made a few phone calls. The next day she told her daughter that she was not allowed to go out with that boy.
The daughter was upset and demanded an explanation. The mother cried, but avoided the question. After an hour or two of evasive answers the daughter was not accepting the decision. The mother told the girl to call her father -- the parents had been divorced for about five years, the daughter saw her father regularly.
The daughter got right on the phone and called her father. After fifteen minutes of a private discussion she hung-up the phone and ran to her room crying.
The father had told her that she couldn't see that boy because he was her brother, well, her half-brother technically.
Keeping secrets is always risky.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
old guys
I've see some older guys in therapy, by older I mean over fifty. They come for as many reasons as everyone else, but there is a trend I see that is upsetting.
They tend to be more worried about their jobs than they were a decade ago, and it seems that they should be. The ones who have jobs are either doing very well in the company, and are in positions of leadership, or they are on the fringes, and they know it. Several of them are out of the companies they had been in for two or three decades, and are now hanging around as consultants.
If they are in leadership positions they know that there are people on their ass all the time and any major fuck-up and they are history. The other ones feel like so much of the work is based on using technology that they are not totally comfortable with. People who are twenty years younger grew up pushing buttons and clicking mouses, and skipping from screen to screen. Most of my guys can work with the machines but if anything happens to the technology they are screwed. The consultants especially are out there on their own and if the scanner doesn't scan everything in right then they can lose a few thousand dollars in an afternoon. It can take hours to get the systems connected.
They feel that at this age they should have respect and wisdom, but they are scared and feel that they are falling behind. They also feel that they can't learn as quickly, stay up as late or concentrate as long. Many of these beliefs are not true, but the anxiety about them make them so.
These problems are as much cultural as they are psychological. This is America '07. You are free to make a lot of money. If you don't, then nobody really cares. I see plenty of houses up for sale as I drive to work.
I am older than most of the guys I see. I am lucky because my job requires thinking and talking. I can still manage (I think).
Also, I use an Apple.
They tend to be more worried about their jobs than they were a decade ago, and it seems that they should be. The ones who have jobs are either doing very well in the company, and are in positions of leadership, or they are on the fringes, and they know it. Several of them are out of the companies they had been in for two or three decades, and are now hanging around as consultants.
If they are in leadership positions they know that there are people on their ass all the time and any major fuck-up and they are history. The other ones feel like so much of the work is based on using technology that they are not totally comfortable with. People who are twenty years younger grew up pushing buttons and clicking mouses, and skipping from screen to screen. Most of my guys can work with the machines but if anything happens to the technology they are screwed. The consultants especially are out there on their own and if the scanner doesn't scan everything in right then they can lose a few thousand dollars in an afternoon. It can take hours to get the systems connected.
They feel that at this age they should have respect and wisdom, but they are scared and feel that they are falling behind. They also feel that they can't learn as quickly, stay up as late or concentrate as long. Many of these beliefs are not true, but the anxiety about them make them so.
These problems are as much cultural as they are psychological. This is America '07. You are free to make a lot of money. If you don't, then nobody really cares. I see plenty of houses up for sale as I drive to work.
I am older than most of the guys I see. I am lucky because my job requires thinking and talking. I can still manage (I think).
Also, I use an Apple.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
ducks
Dick Cheney and I went out in our kayaks this morning. We were both looking for ducks. I like it when i see the ducks take off out of the marsh, sqawking and honking, with their wings flapping, as they take off into the early morning sky.
Dick likes to kill them.
I guess we have different approaches to life.
I didn't say anything about that to him this morning. Not while he still had a gun in his hand.
Dick likes to kill them.
I guess we have different approaches to life.
I didn't say anything about that to him this morning. Not while he still had a gun in his hand.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
predictive of
A's mother died of cancer when he was fifteen. He was close to her and missed her. He got angry at the world, got in fights, got suspended from school. He bounced from one bad idea to another for ten years before being sent to therapy, where he has done well.
B's mother died of cancer when he was fourteen. He got depressed and didn't function very well. His grades dropped and he barely graduated. Then he stayed in his room playing video games until he was nineteen when he came to see me. He is now at least working part-time.
C's mother died of a brain tumor when he was fourteen. He turned to study and thought. Now he is a priest and consoles people who are dying.
D's mother died when she was fifteen. She took over the household chores and took care of everything for her father. Her father married another woman seven years later. That woman threw D out of the house.
E's mother died of a drug overdose when he was eleven. He is now thirty-one and just out of rehab for the third time.
F's mother died of a drug overdose when he was twelve. He is being raised by his grandmother. He is second in his high school class.
Having your mother die in early adolescence always has a profound effect, but what that effect is going to be clearly depends on many other factors. the most important of which is who else is around.
B's mother died of cancer when he was fourteen. He got depressed and didn't function very well. His grades dropped and he barely graduated. Then he stayed in his room playing video games until he was nineteen when he came to see me. He is now at least working part-time.
C's mother died of a brain tumor when he was fourteen. He turned to study and thought. Now he is a priest and consoles people who are dying.
D's mother died when she was fifteen. She took over the household chores and took care of everything for her father. Her father married another woman seven years later. That woman threw D out of the house.
E's mother died of a drug overdose when he was eleven. He is now thirty-one and just out of rehab for the third time.
F's mother died of a drug overdose when he was twelve. He is being raised by his grandmother. He is second in his high school class.
Having your mother die in early adolescence always has a profound effect, but what that effect is going to be clearly depends on many other factors. the most important of which is who else is around.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Out of Body
Saw in the paper today how researchers at two leading universities were able to find ways to make people feels as if they were having an "out of body experience." They used virtual-reality goggles that were slightly off, as well as other ways to produce visual sensations, and/or tactile sensations, that don't quite agree with the rest of the persons sense of what is going on.
It does begin to take all the fun away. Next they are going to explain away ESP, or the fun of being abducted by aliens for sexual experimentation. By aliens, I mean the old-fashioned kind, the ones from outer space, not those green people who sneak across the US borders and kill and eat all the children in the over-crowded emergency rooms.
I did have a client once who was the head of the HR department at a very large and successful company. She said she set-up all of her most important working groups by putting people together who have compatible astrological signs.
Everything works if you believe it does. That's why, in my therapy, I use a lot of fairy dust.
It does begin to take all the fun away. Next they are going to explain away ESP, or the fun of being abducted by aliens for sexual experimentation. By aliens, I mean the old-fashioned kind, the ones from outer space, not those green people who sneak across the US borders and kill and eat all the children in the over-crowded emergency rooms.
I did have a client once who was the head of the HR department at a very large and successful company. She said she set-up all of her most important working groups by putting people together who have compatible astrological signs.
Everything works if you believe it does. That's why, in my therapy, I use a lot of fairy dust.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
mental illnes
I received a mailing about a program that would train me to be a nurse practitioner, as well as a Ph.D. That would allow me to prescribe the medications that my clients may need without having to refer them to a psychiatrist.
I feel very mixed about that idea.
What is mental illness?
Still as a therapist, I cannot clearly define it. Sure, there's psychosis; when someone is hearing voices, thinking they are Napoleon, or, like L, thinking that everyone is watching them and talking about them, then, I would say that when people get like that, they have "mental illness,"
But who gets that? and why?
Things have changed. There aren't as many schizophrenics any more. And the ones there are don't fit the old categories that I was taught way back when. No catatonics, a few paranoids, and hebephrenic? That's a word I haven't heard for years.
There are trends, there are fads in psychology and psychiatry, like everything else. It's like physics -- will string theory last? But with psychology, clinical psychology, we have to apply it to people. I have to determine why I think someone' is thinking, feeling, behaving, living, the way they are.
As a therapist, who is not an M.D. I tend to believe that the major causes are in the interaction between the person --the total mind and body -- with the environment, especially the significant people. I tend to focus on these factors much more than brain physiology or genetics.
That's my bias because that's what I can work with. I don't tend to see people as malformed, imbalanced, even sick, as much as I feel they have learned the wrong approach, have been mistreated, or stuck with bad habits. These things I think my clients and I can change together.
I don't have a lot of faith in medicine, either in how they define the problem, or how they treat it. But maybe that would change if I were the one in control of the medicine.
If I could prescribe, how different would I be as a therapist?
And what does that say about the things I believe?
I feel very mixed about that idea.
What is mental illness?
Still as a therapist, I cannot clearly define it. Sure, there's psychosis; when someone is hearing voices, thinking they are Napoleon, or, like L, thinking that everyone is watching them and talking about them, then, I would say that when people get like that, they have "mental illness,"
But who gets that? and why?
Things have changed. There aren't as many schizophrenics any more. And the ones there are don't fit the old categories that I was taught way back when. No catatonics, a few paranoids, and hebephrenic? That's a word I haven't heard for years.
There are trends, there are fads in psychology and psychiatry, like everything else. It's like physics -- will string theory last? But with psychology, clinical psychology, we have to apply it to people. I have to determine why I think someone' is thinking, feeling, behaving, living, the way they are.
As a therapist, who is not an M.D. I tend to believe that the major causes are in the interaction between the person --the total mind and body -- with the environment, especially the significant people. I tend to focus on these factors much more than brain physiology or genetics.
That's my bias because that's what I can work with. I don't tend to see people as malformed, imbalanced, even sick, as much as I feel they have learned the wrong approach, have been mistreated, or stuck with bad habits. These things I think my clients and I can change together.
I don't have a lot of faith in medicine, either in how they define the problem, or how they treat it. But maybe that would change if I were the one in control of the medicine.
If I could prescribe, how different would I be as a therapist?
And what does that say about the things I believe?
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