Wednesday, September 12, 2007

What would you call it

I have been seeing this guy. He and his wife are seeing someone else for couples therapy. They are going there because he had an affair.

The affair is the typical thing. I hate to be so blase about these things, but they make up a good percentage of my business, and I certainly know these things happen. You know, you work with someone, you spend hours on a project. It goes late some nights. There is the excitement about getting something accomplished and working together.

In the meantime you wife of fifteen years is home with the kids. She fine. There's nothing really wrong, but things get a bit stale. She's put on a few pounds, the kids drive her crazy, she complains about the bills. Her mother is sick, her back hurts. All the stuff of life.

He crosses the line with this other woman. He gets dazzled by how much they have in common, by how flat her stomach is, but the way a different woman feels, smells and bounces around.

Then it blows up. Some little clue and the wife finds out.

Then the rying, yelling, remorse, contrition. The wife, the kids, the family, the shame.

Couples therapy, anger, hurt, blame, tears, more contrition. Finally, there is some rejuvenation, forgiveness, reconnection.

Then the guy comes to see me to work out his own issues, supposedly left over from childhood, and all he wants to tell he is that he is still seeing the other woman.

He knows it's wrong but he can't stay away. He doesn't want to leave his wife; she's been a great woman. But the pull, the chemistry, the fascination is still there and it is soooo powerful.

So, what's the diagnosis? Is he weak? crazy? selfish? self-destructive? danger-seeking? Does he hate women or love them too much? Is he going through a mid-life crisis or just reliving his father's sins.

or is lust just too powerful?

Probably all of the above.

5 comments:

Lena said...

So many things in life are not black and white, are they?

Amanda said...

People have affairs because deep down inside they feel entitled to have their cake and eat it too.

Not everyone feels this way but so many do that most countries have given up on trying to penalize such behavior.

Internalizing the belief that affairs are wrong no matter what the circumstance, when such a belief was never there in the first place, is very hard work.

Only few feel up to this task.

Jay M. said...

Therapist-

I've been reading your posts for a while now and I keep coming back. I like how you can bring emotion into certain topics, letting us somewhat understand what is going on with other people, and relate it to our own lives.

And other posts like this one that read like the side of a box of cereal. It's strange to think that for you, these things that happen in people's lives are so routine, and in our lives, they are the things that cause heartbreak, divorce, midlife crises, and chemical dependencies. Weird.

Keep it coming. Don't listen to the critics.

clairem said...

he can't love a woman as a real being, as someone different from himself... so when his wife shows limitations then he falls for someone else who is like a goddess - transforming a "being in love" relationship into a "down to earth love" relationship takes a lot of courage as it is dying a little to the fantasy of passion to last forever. It simply doesn't exist...

Patty said...

My adult life started in 1985 when my first husband had an affair with his secretary. She was "better" than me because (his words)she did sit-ups every day and had nice clothes.

Of course it hurt at the time, but that affair was the start of my interpersonal growth, so I am a firm believer that growth can come out of an affair, if one wants it to.