One thing that has happened since I have been limited by losing the use of my eye for a while is that I get more anxious when my clients come in with their tales of illness and loss.
Today one of clients was talking about how she has to fly home to see her father. He had not been feeling well and now, not surprisingly from the information she was getting, has been found to have cancer that is in several locations. He is five years younger than me.
So many of my clients come with problems dealing with their aging parents. I search for reasons to reassure myself that what is happening to them is not happening to me.
Usually I could brush away the fears pretty easily just because I felt good. I was energetic, active and rolling along.
Now, I feel pretty good, but I am limited, can't see things coming up on my right side, and I get skittish and feel a bit vulnerable. I can still take anybody on, but they have to stand a bit to the left and promise not to hit me in the head. Not exactly the battle cry of the warrior.
And my clients have to deal with really terrible things -- cancers, Parkinson's, ALS,which is totally awful or Huntington's disease which may be even worse. Also, the girlfriend of the son of one of my clients was killed by a truck in a parking lot in a random accident. The next hour the cousin of that client died when his truck rolled over somewhere in Texas.
The Reaper seems to be lurking in every corner once you start looking for it. No wonder everyone is anxious.
Can't get like that I guess. It does no good. Live until you die, and until then deny mortality. Pitch as if you are unhittable, dance beneath the diamond sky, howl at the full mood, drink the sweetest nectar.
And eat plenty of blueberries, watch you weight, get enough sleep, moderate exercise, and call you mother -- if she is still alive.
4 comments:
Yesterday was my 58th birthday AND I'm an ovarian cancer survivor. Sometimes we have to choose to 'look the other way'. Being positive and strong and still empathetic is tough.
I know what you mean, it is all so overwhelming. When you have to sit and listen all day long
to all the tragedies and heartaches of life it is hard not to be anxious.
On another note, I just started watching HBO's In Treatment. Curious do you you watch it?
I came down with a bad case of death anxiety after my son was born. It was extremely debilitating. Took 4 years to deal with it.
My solution was rather unorthodox but, really who cares, it has improved my quality of life and for that I'm very grateful.
Ok, so here it goes: I read everything I could about so-called "near death experiences."
I hoped that by familiarizing myself with dying I might learn to be less anxious about it. (Some therapists might call it "desensitizing"?)
Thanks for being open about this. Back then there was nobody else who would admit to it. Thought it was just me.
I myself lost my father a short while ago after a long illness and I am on the meds for depression myself at the moment.
He was an avid reader of your blog. But instead of this being a "morbid" comment I would like to say thank you. He would sometimes read a post about one of your patients problems and tell me he forgot how much he has to be grateful for, this is while suffering from heart failure. While other such as your post Holiday Cheer would really make him laugh and he would send me the link and say "I guess our family isn't so screwed up after all"
In a way your "mumblings" here was therapy in itself for him and for that I want to say thank you. Please just don't bill for the therapy :-)
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