Winter Sing

In constrast to my last post, I will now report that I have just returned from a delightful experience. Of course, being who I am, I felt the mirror image of what I saw, and that troubled me.

This morning I went to the "Winter Sing Concert"of one of my granddaughters at her nursery school. The singers ranged in age from 3 to 5, and were all smiling, giggling, active beautiful children.  They sang songs of  snowflakes melting on their faces, and other songs of the seasons.  Many of the songs were accentuated with hand gestures or body movements.  Most of the kids were paying attention most of the time.  They were smiling and waving at their parents and grandparents who filled the audience.

The concert was given in small but beautiful auditorium, on a small but beautiful campus, set on a hill overlooking the woods and a lake.   After the songs and dances were over we were taken back to my granddaughter's classroom for little snack and a look at their accomplishments.

My immediate reaction to the classroom was that I was jealous.  I wish I could go to a room just like that for three to six hours a day.  They had almost everything conceivable to encourage anyone to explore, play, create, express feelings, attempt new things, find new ideas, relate to others, work with others, work by yourself. or just sit and stare.  They had separate but overlapping areas for painting, coloring, drawing, music, writing,sculpture, piles of natural objects, piles of building objects, rolls of string, and shelves full of books.  There was room to use all of those things, and to combine as many as you wish.  There were very few rules, very few assignments,  nothing rigid, nothing judgmental, no dogma, no right or wrong. It is just a  fantastic place to come and play and see what you wanted to do and be with people to do it with.  And, the place is surrounded by paths through the woods, big and small sculptures, and fields for games and just running around.

Oh, of course, there was nothing electronic.

It was clear that the kids loved the whole thing.  They liked being there, they like each other, the teachers and the activities.  They ran around, they made pictures, stories, skits, games, and all kind of projects.  They worked alone, in small groups and in big groups. They resolved their differences.  They helped each other, the added on to each other's creations.   No, it wasn't perfect, but it was close.

It is in an environment like this that toddlers turn into children and take that with them when they become people.  They learn how to operate in the world and how to operate the world. They get some idea of how to get long, how to lead, how to follow, and how to go off and do their own thing.  Mostly, they learn that world is fun, fascinating, and that they can contribute.  This becomes part of them.

So, what's wrong with that.

Nothing. There is so little wrong that I wish every child could have that. Really,I wish I could be doing that.

The only thing that bothered me was seeing that 95% of the children were white.  100%  came from families who were at least in the top 5% of wealth. Every child had at least one parent or grandparent there, usually two, three or four.

I don't know all of the children and families, but the ones that I do know are really good people.  The kids are not spoiled, too much.  The families seem to have some sense that they are fortunate, and that they can have these kinds of privileges.  I don't fault them at all.

My realistic hope is that my granddaughter will realize how fortunate she is, and use her special opportunities to do good things that benefit more than just the few people around her.  At least she will see that the world is not really like that, and she should appreciate that she landed in the right spot.  It doesn't make her better or more valuable than any other child, but in some ways gives her a greater responsibility to be a good citizen.

My unrealistic hope is that somehow, our society, which at this moment,  is so crazy, competitive, divided and fearful, will realize that it would be worth it to find a way to give every child a opportunity to begin their lives in such an open, caring, accepting, encouraging and explorative atmosphere.

If we really want America to be the greatest, most innovative, creative, caring, prosperous, society, with a sense of unity and pride, then we should be eager to give everyone this kind of equal opportunity to stretch the limits of their talents and abilities.

The kids I saw today are all marvelous children.  Almost all of them will go on to have happy, secure, prosperous and healthy lives.  Many of the children from this area have gone on to do much more than that, and to use their skills and talents in the wider world.

From my work I know that as 3,4 and 5 year-olds, these kids are no greater or more special than any other kid.  If I could put any child into that room for three to six hours a day, and bring their families there too, 95% of those kids would grow up to be just like these kids, and the country and the world would be much better off for it.

We are, each of us, unique. We are each just as valuable.

Boston Strong ! ? !

I live close to Boston.  I went to college near Boston, where I met my wife.  We left for graduate school, but came back to be near our friends, and be part of the culture that is in Boston, Cambridge and around here.  We raised our kids close to Boston and they are raising their kids here.

There was a parade in Boston yesterday so that people could line the streets and cheer for the Red Sox, who had just won the World Series.  I didn't go to the parade, although I did watch six minutes of it on TV.  I don't go to any of the games, although I did watch many hours of the playoffs on TV.  I went to two Red Sox games this year.  I enjoy baseball.  I played a lot as a kid, and for several more years of softball in my fifties and sixties.

Many writers, analysts, bloggers, pundits, sports people and politicians are talking about how this baseball team was very helpful to the city after the bombings that occurred during the Boston Marathon,  a signature event of the city.  I agree.  This was one of the greatest bonding moments any city could have. Better than anything that could be planned or staged.

First, you have to realize how much sports means to Boston, especially pro sports, especially the Red Sox.  The Sox are like football in Ohio or Alabama. They are more important than surfing is in California or skiing is in Colorado.  We are not that outgoing here in New England, but everyone will comment on the Sox, even if you don't care about baseball.  A strong woman candidate lost an election for Senate because she didn't know who pitched for the Sox.  Even my wife watched the World Series, and dropped her knitting when Jonny Gomes hit that three-run dinger.

Ten years ago, in 2003, when Pedro couldn't finish against the Yankees, so many of my patients were just bummed out for two weeks it was hard to talk about anything else.

So this year, after the bombing, it was clear that the city began to pull together for the Sox,  The Sox who came in last, last year.  It clear that the Sox would show that the city, the region, was not to be denied.  That it could be knocked down, but we get up again, and that we get along, as a team, with each other.

I came to Boston as a student. So many people do.  So did the bombers.  We need students, we value intellect, study, research, innovation, technology, and everyone who does that.  We value everyone from everywhere.  If you walk around MIT, Harvard, BU, BC, Tufts, Northeastern, and the rest of the fifty or sixty colleges and universities that are in and around Boston, you see people from all over the world: China, Africa, Europe, the Middle East, Latin America, Mississippi. They are what makes this an exciting, stimulating, fascinating place to be.  Two angry, discouraged brothers, whose sense of decency went off the rails, are not going to change that.

We, all of us in and around the city wanted a way to show that.  We still cared, we still like and respect each other, we still get along -- differently from the way we did in the 50s, 60s, and 70s, when we didn't get along that well -- and when the Sox kept losing.

The Red Sox helped us to do that.  The players were from about fifteen different US states, as well as  the Dominican Republic, Aruba, Venezuela and Japan. I think two are from New England. We cheered for them, they played for us. Everyone had a good time. There was a big parade.  No one got hurt.

Boston will continue to be vibrant, stimulating and welcoming. Bring you willingness to learn, to collaborate, to build and create.  That includes all ideas from all cultures and backgrounds. Skills of pitching and hitting are also welcome.

Character (?)

I was reading last week's NYT Magazine.  It is all about how to educate the rich and poor.  The big article was about how something called "character" was as important in making headway in the struggle toward success as academic achievement. 

A group of several psychologists and educators had this discussion about character and they seemed to come up with two complimentary, but distinct dimensions.  One dimension had to do with what it really takes to succeed in this world, and the other had more to do with what it means to be a "good person."

The first one consisted of a bsic group of behavior traits. They labelled these as: grit, zest, curiosity, self-control, optimism, and  gratitude.  One more, emotional intelligence, I think includes many other traits. 

The other dimension included behaviors such as being understanding, helpful, empathetic, and caring. It was much more about being good to others and making the world better for everyone.

I think all of this is good stuff and is really what is important to both individuals and society.  I think it is sad that it falls to school to try and impart these kinds of thoughts and actions into people, when really this is what parenting is all about.  But i guess parenting and families are in tough shape for many people these days.  I see that a lot in my practice.

Not that it really ever been well done.  What we now think of as abuse and destruction had long been a staple of family life, and still is in many parts of the world.  But now we think that beatings, molestation, honor killings, degradation, silent scorn, rejection and expulsion are not usually the  best methods of building character.

When I think of the list of traits of the first dimension: grit zest etc, the first person who comes to my mind is that 10 month old girl I spent two days with last weekend.  She was certainly full of zest, curiosity and optimism.  She displayed enough emotional intelligence to know how to play her grandmother for all she was worth.   She was able to let us know what she wanted without flipping out, and was very gracious when she got what she asked for.  Her whole body would shake and flap for joy when she was given a small pile of Cheerios.

What is great is that her parents, through a loving process of allowing, encouraging, structuring, and caring have already begun to instill in her things she will need to not oly survive, but to flourish.  I think (boastfully) that I did a lot of that with my kids.  What is sad is that so many kids don't get that because their parents are too exhausted, too poor, to unstable, or too unavailable for all kinds of reasons.

But if a kid is neglected, frightened, intimidated, forgotten, or discouraged for the first two years of it's life it becomes very difficult for a school to get him or her to undo the skills he needed to survie and to then learn these new ones.  That's what I do in therapy, and it can take years.

I think it is worth trying.  I think these qualities are really important.  I do think that they are, and can be learned, to a great extent, although each child is born with a different temperament, which makes them more naturally energetic and/or sensitive.  But it's a very tough job to retrain somebody, especially when you have to send them back to the environment in which other skills, such as silence, defensiveness and secrecy are more adaptive.