Character (?)

I was reading last week's NYT Magazine.  It is all about how to educate the rich and poor.  The big article was about how something called "character" was as important in making headway in the struggle toward success as academic achievement. 

A group of several psychologists and educators had this discussion about character and they seemed to come up with two complimentary, but distinct dimensions.  One dimension had to do with what it really takes to succeed in this world, and the other had more to do with what it means to be a "good person."

The first one consisted of a bsic group of behavior traits. They labelled these as: grit, zest, curiosity, self-control, optimism, and  gratitude.  One more, emotional intelligence, I think includes many other traits. 

The other dimension included behaviors such as being understanding, helpful, empathetic, and caring. It was much more about being good to others and making the world better for everyone.

I think all of this is good stuff and is really what is important to both individuals and society.  I think it is sad that it falls to school to try and impart these kinds of thoughts and actions into people, when really this is what parenting is all about.  But i guess parenting and families are in tough shape for many people these days.  I see that a lot in my practice.

Not that it really ever been well done.  What we now think of as abuse and destruction had long been a staple of family life, and still is in many parts of the world.  But now we think that beatings, molestation, honor killings, degradation, silent scorn, rejection and expulsion are not usually the  best methods of building character.

When I think of the list of traits of the first dimension: grit zest etc, the first person who comes to my mind is that 10 month old girl I spent two days with last weekend.  She was certainly full of zest, curiosity and optimism.  She displayed enough emotional intelligence to know how to play her grandmother for all she was worth.   She was able to let us know what she wanted without flipping out, and was very gracious when she got what she asked for.  Her whole body would shake and flap for joy when she was given a small pile of Cheerios.

What is great is that her parents, through a loving process of allowing, encouraging, structuring, and caring have already begun to instill in her things she will need to not oly survive, but to flourish.  I think (boastfully) that I did a lot of that with my kids.  What is sad is that so many kids don't get that because their parents are too exhausted, too poor, to unstable, or too unavailable for all kinds of reasons.

But if a kid is neglected, frightened, intimidated, forgotten, or discouraged for the first two years of it's life it becomes very difficult for a school to get him or her to undo the skills he needed to survie and to then learn these new ones.  That's what I do in therapy, and it can take years.

I think it is worth trying.  I think these qualities are really important.  I do think that they are, and can be learned, to a great extent, although each child is born with a different temperament, which makes them more naturally energetic and/or sensitive.  But it's a very tough job to retrain somebody, especially when you have to send them back to the environment in which other skills, such as silence, defensiveness and secrecy are more adaptive.