sliding along toward

This semi-retirment thing is still weird for me.

Work I understand.  I did it for over forty years.  The last 30 years I had my own practice up here in this charming, diverse, sometimes prosperous, sometimes struggling mill city up nestled in still cold New England.

Once things got rolling I averaged about 37 clinical hours a week.  Then there was the billing, the phone calls, the forms, the letters; it was a 47 hour a week job.

Last year I got loose about working Friday and averaged about 33 hours a week.  Three months ago I stopped working Monday, so I could "pursue other interests" as they say when they leave office.  And I have lots of other things that interest me.

But,

It's easy to do what seems like very little.  Where does the time go?

The time gets eaten up quickly with, of course, my wife's lists -- the "Now that you have time" stuff.  This is not to be confused with fixing things.  I don't fix things.  I fiddle around with them until they break.  I can fix people ( some of the time) not things.

 I do cook, I shop, I clean up stuff, I move things around.

But most of the time has been going to, of all things, people.  I went to NYC with a couple of friends.  I see other friends more often.  I see my rolling-over, smiling, gurgling grand-daughter.
Times-up.

I didn't go to work today.  It was easy.  I am much less tired at the end of the week.  Actually "the week" doesn't end because it feels like it never really got started.

When you have kids, really until they have been out of the house for two years, you focus.  You have to watch and take care of the kids, whether they want it, appreciate it or even think you are doing it, that is what your life is.

When your working, especially if you get satisfaction out of what you do, then you focus.  That is what you're doing; you're working.

When the kids are young and you are working.  Then you don't have any existential questions -- you are just doing.  This is what you're supposed to be doing. Do your work, support the family, watch the kids, bother them.  Relate to the wife too, that helps. Any break you get is a break to savor. But those are quick, and disappear.

Now, it's different.  I can do what I want.  I guess I can please myself.
But I know that it doesn't really matter how.  Nobody cares, Nobody's counting.  It's easy to just take it easy.  The time slips away.  The mind can wander and rest.  It can remember, or in many cases, it can worry.

For me, a project is needed.  I will have to manufacture a focus, as nothing intrinsic really exists. I tell this to many of my clients, that the meaning of their lives is up to them.  Now it's my turn.

The difference between fun and senility often seems vague.