can't shake that feeling

I can't really shake it.

Contentment seems synonymous with resignation.  If you're that impressed with yourself then you've done enough.  But look around.  The world is still a mess.

It may not be your fault, but you are still (at least partially) responsible.

What can I say; that's how I feel.

and unless you're part of the solution, you're part of the problem ( asshole ).

Agreeing with Amanda

Hey, don't get me wrong either, I'm not actually complaining that I have too much time and enough money.
I'm just saying that it's weird.

I've worked pretty hard most of my life.  I can't say I worked very hard. There are times I know that if I were more persistent, more driven, and more willing to put in the time to network and market, that perhaps I could have been better known, perhaps I could have been one of the "names" in psychology.  I know as much as they do.  I could have constructed a four-box model and written a book about it.

The models I build were mostly sixteen box models, with each box interacting with each other, with varying intensity, which differed under different circumstances.  People thought I was very insightful, but that my stuff was too complex.

True, I said, then I went and played basketball. I played basketball because I really enjoyed playing basketball.  I played basketball until I was 55.  I can still shot pretty well.  But I can't run too well any more, or play defense.

I always thought of myself as a wild guy, with crazy, far out ideas, outlandish perspectives, and novel approaches.  All of this was true in my head.

However the life I led was much more of a tortoise than the hare. As  therapist I tried to get people to anticipate the consequences of their actions, not just for the immediate, but for three, four, five steps ahead.  I really put that into practice for myself.

Generally, more than not, it worked very well.  I avoided doing many stupid things. But I also skipped quite a bit of drama and excitement.  I don't drink too much.  I don't bet on long shots.  I don't get in fights.  I don't jump off cliffs.  I don't expect the chambermaid to do anything but clean the room.

And because of that I'm still married to the same woman.  My kids are great kids, who are married to great people and now are having great kids.

Also, I have been very lucky.  That helps a lot.  I can't take personal credit for luck.  I have been mostly very healthy.  My own parents were nice people who cared about me.  I did one great thing in my life; I was born two years before the baby boomers.  It helped me buy things cheap and sell them for more money.  Schools, jobs, stocks, houses, were easier for me to get because I was ahead of the competition. It made me brilliant!

Now, because of all that, I am settled and comfortable. (too bad)

But life is a process, not a game with a score and a beginning and end.  I have had many clients who were the ne're do well sons of rich families.  They had the money and the opportunity, but they didn't know how to struggles.  They could always chose what they wanted to do.  They often chose to do very little, and they felt very badly about themselves because they felt their lives consisted of one cop-out after another.

I am very fortunate that things have worked out for me.  I have time, health and resources.  I can choose what I want to do.  I want to make that choice.  I don't want to just let it all evolve.

Maybe solving the Israel - Palestine problem is a little out of my reach, but I am still working, and some of the couples I see are just as intractable.

And then I pick up my round-faced little granddaughter and she smiles up and me, and I never want to put her down.

sliding along toward

This semi-retirment thing is still weird for me.

Work I understand.  I did it for over forty years.  The last 30 years I had my own practice up here in this charming, diverse, sometimes prosperous, sometimes struggling mill city up nestled in still cold New England.

Once things got rolling I averaged about 37 clinical hours a week.  Then there was the billing, the phone calls, the forms, the letters; it was a 47 hour a week job.

Last year I got loose about working Friday and averaged about 33 hours a week.  Three months ago I stopped working Monday, so I could "pursue other interests" as they say when they leave office.  And I have lots of other things that interest me.

But,

It's easy to do what seems like very little.  Where does the time go?

The time gets eaten up quickly with, of course, my wife's lists -- the "Now that you have time" stuff.  This is not to be confused with fixing things.  I don't fix things.  I fiddle around with them until they break.  I can fix people ( some of the time) not things.

 I do cook, I shop, I clean up stuff, I move things around.

But most of the time has been going to, of all things, people.  I went to NYC with a couple of friends.  I see other friends more often.  I see my rolling-over, smiling, gurgling grand-daughter.
Times-up.

I didn't go to work today.  It was easy.  I am much less tired at the end of the week.  Actually "the week" doesn't end because it feels like it never really got started.

When you have kids, really until they have been out of the house for two years, you focus.  You have to watch and take care of the kids, whether they want it, appreciate it or even think you are doing it, that is what your life is.

When your working, especially if you get satisfaction out of what you do, then you focus.  That is what you're doing; you're working.

When the kids are young and you are working.  Then you don't have any existential questions -- you are just doing.  This is what you're supposed to be doing. Do your work, support the family, watch the kids, bother them.  Relate to the wife too, that helps. Any break you get is a break to savor. But those are quick, and disappear.

Now, it's different.  I can do what I want.  I guess I can please myself.
But I know that it doesn't really matter how.  Nobody cares, Nobody's counting.  It's easy to just take it easy.  The time slips away.  The mind can wander and rest.  It can remember, or in many cases, it can worry.

For me, a project is needed.  I will have to manufacture a focus, as nothing intrinsic really exists. I tell this to many of my clients, that the meaning of their lives is up to them.  Now it's my turn.

The difference between fun and senility often seems vague.