not my choice

I have written about GR here a while ago.  She had lost her long-time boyfriend, who was married to another woman, when he died under suspicious circumstances.  That was over a year ago.

GR is a very intelligent woman who has had emotional difficulties since childhood.  It was not that she was born with deficits or neurological problems, she was just born into the wrong family.  Her mother was a religious fanatic, a hoarder, and used her kids to clean and cook. Her father drank too much, and tried to put his hands in the wrong places.  GR and her sister went off in opposite directions at adolescence.  Her older sister was out-going, thrill seeking and friendly.  By the time she was seventeen she had been having sex with two different men a week. Now, fifteen years later, she probably still does.

GR, in contrast, has had two lovers in her life.  One got her pregnant.  When her son was about five, and GR was home alone and drinking, her mother called protective services and had the boy taken away.  The mother took custody mostly so she could collect a check from the state.  It took GR about seven years, and all kinds of treatment letters and programs to prove to enough people that she was competent, and she was able to get the boy back.

At one time, in high school, just to see if she could, GR decided to study.  She got all"A"s that year and was ranked fourth in her class.  No one at home noticed or cared, so she gave it up, as not worth the effort.  Twelve years later, while she was seeing me, as part of the process of regaining custody of her son, she went back to college.  Again, she did very well for one semester.  But then her boyfriend died, and she gave it up.

Now she has given almost everything up.  Her son is with her and he is doing OK, not great, in high school.  She is on disability because of her chronic depression and OCD.  She gets some support for her housing and food stamps.  She knows how to scrape by with very little money. She encourages her son to do well in school, make friends, and participate.  He seems to be doing that.

She isn't.  She leaves the house once a week to shop, and one time every-other week to see me.  Otherwise she doesn't want to have anything to do with anyone.  She is on an Internet chat list for mothers of adolescents.  She plays games on Facebook, but doesn't correspond with anyone.  She reads a lot and works out on the floor to videos.  She has no idea how long this self-imposed isolation will last.

She tells me that she is not as depressed as she has often been.  She gets up everyday and takes care of herself and her son.  She sees her current lifestyle as a choice, not a symptom. She knows there is the possibility of a richer, more active, more interesting life, but she really feels there is a greater possibility of more losses, rejection, emotional pain, and of being exploited.

It's not worth the effort, she says.  It's not worth the risk.

It's her choice, not mine, but for now I have to honor it.