struggles

I've written here before about how it is much more difficult for me, as a psychotherapist, to deal with the folks I see who are physically crumbling, hurting and in pain. I can deal with anxieties, depressions, wild ideas, bad judgment, bad behavior, as well as the lost and lonely, but the the suffering from illness, pain, especially when it is chronic and in a few cases, fatal, is the most draining for me.

Now, in my own home, my wife is dealing with a disease that is probably going to be chronic, is a long way from fatal, but is certainly life changing.  Although she has always been strong, healthy, active, alert, and for the most part living a much more correct and risk free life than I have, she has somehow contracted diabetes, in a form that seems to be a mixture of both Type 1 and Type 2.  Suddenly, from a life that was open and free flowing she has to take measurements, count carbs, and take a regimen of shots and pills that is still being calibrated.

I have no doubt that she will do all that she needs to do, and find a way to balance her life. Yet being hit with this, with really no warning or any way to anticipate that it would come, except for a sudden thirst and weight loss over a period of only a few weeks, is such a shocking smack of mortality that it has just washed me over with the sense of melancholy that comes with the realization that we are all so fragile and ephemeral.

As a husband, it is frustrating because I cannot reach in and turn her pancreas back on and drive away the virus, or toxin or whatever it is that has shut down that organ. I can only be here as best I can.

As a therapist, who works with so many other people who are suffering, and who has done so for so long a period, it seems to highlight how slow, inexact, and inefficient the process of psychotherapy is.

Since this has begun I have been more tired, and I have had to make an extra effort to be focused and attentive in my sessions.  What I see is that so many of the patients, who I have come to care so much for, really are more deeply troubled than I had wanted to see before.  Part of the way I work, which has been successful, is to regard all the people as basically able to function, and even if they are messed up I try to draw out their strengths and show them the expectation that they can improve their lives.  I am sure that this helps them reach for that too.

But when I really dig into their lives and minds I often see how difficult what they have to deal with is, and how their thinking  has been crushed by either/and emotions, family, illness, society or just bad luck.

And, as it is with my wife, all I can rally do is be there, reflect upon it, and talk to them about it.
These are not very powerful tools.

new look

I had last seen her about three months ago. She had come in with her husband to give it one last try. They had come to see me over ten years ago to work out what was missing from their marriage. At that time the kids were young and she was struggling to hold it all together.

They came back last year with the same complaint, She said she knew he loved the family but he had never figured out a way to show it. She had raised the kids while he worked at his job and on the house. She had gone to work and made friends while he had gone to work and worked on the house. She had invited him out to do things but he worked on the house and watched war movies and The History Channel. She had gotten depressed, took several medications and went to bed and he worked on the house and watched war movies and The History Channel. Two years ago she went on the computer and found a Christian chat room. She began to talk to people who listened to her problems and encouraged her to work on her marriage. He worked on the house and watched war movies and The History Channel.

When they came back to therapy she had told him many things she hoped they could do together, including having sex. He said he loved her but didn't know if he could change and didn't like to be told what to do.

I didn't see either of them for three months.

She came to see me yesterday. She was at least twenty pounds thinner, had her hair done, put on some make-up and was colorfully, but appropriately dressed. She said she had been to a lawyer last week and was moving out after Christmas. She had lost weight because once she made the decision she felt elated, went off her anti-depressants and walked three miles a day. Without him she didn't need any medication to cope.

She was looking forward to her new life. It is clear that she won't have trouble finding it --- although trouble may be what she is looking for.

When you're done, you're done, and often a new look comes with it.