Standards? What Standards?

Spring has finally come to this New England sanctuary city. The wind stopped, the clouds disappeared and the sun filled up the the sky. The crocuses popped out of the ground and there are buds on everything. I got up and walked away from my Internet connection and spend time with actual, live people. It was a refreshing and life-affirming experience.

My son’s kids were driving their parents a bit crazy; five and three year-olds are experts at doing that, especially now that there is Spring work to be done, both inside and outside of the house. So, it was GrandPops to the rescue, strapping the kids into their car seats, handing them a cookie, and actual 100% juice-boxes to let them know that good times are on the way.

Fifteen minutes later we were in my city, and driving past the newly opened elementary school. As I wrote recently to a friend who lives in a vastly different part of the country, I am quite sure that the price of building this school equalled the entire education budget for his state. We pay a lot of taxes here, and we expect to get things for the money.

The new playground behind the school is amazing. It consists of climbing things, sliding things, spinning things, running areas, ball areas, and even musical structures. The climbing things were nothing like the big wooden platforms of the last decade. Now there are rope climbing, spinning, bridge structures, with bouncing platforms. The kids were thrilled. The park was packed.

It was a relief to be out in the world like this. There were kids and adults in the park of many different colors, with several different accents. They were wildly active, yet were still able to be curious and courteous. The big kids were careful and helpful to the little kids, and the little kids let the big kids move on by. It was great to see. It made me happy and hopeful.

The contrast to the virtual world, even to that here on Medium, and also to many of the interactions I have with adults, especially through businesses, was so striking. Sadly, we are living in a time where so many people keep their hostility and mistrust close to the surface, and let it out much too frequently.

Yes, I live in a bubble. It’s a great one to be in. It’s prosperous, creative, friendly. well-educated and expensive. We are very aware that there are mean, nasty, ugly things going on right around us. These days we hear about and witness more gratuitous acts of bigotry and meanness than two years ago There is also a much greater acceptance of crude behavior in general, and that includes more lying, bullying, cheating and distorting just in order to make a profit. i began writing this before United Airlines decided that it was Ok to drag a paying customer off a plane, and then blame him for being a bad volunteer. The fact that he paid them to sit in that seat didn’t seem to matter.

A short while ago I highlighted a sentence on a post here on Medium that stated that a woman had voted for Trump because of his integrity. This woman has many posts that are provocative, but they are well written and seem to be thoughtful. And I know people voted for Trump for lots of reasons, many of which I disagree with, but I understand their thought process. But when I read that sentence I first thought it was a joke. I still cannot grasp how anyone sees integrity in a man who has just paid $25 million dollars to settle a fraud case, will not show his tax returns, is known to have been sued by thousands of people for not paying his bills, has discriminated against people to make money, and has lied and fabricated stories loudly and publicly for the last thirty years. That use of the word “integrity” bent my mind out of shape.

Certainly, she’s not alone, and I see that standards like that have pervaded the culture. I have had to deal with many people over the last few months as I shopped for certain expensive things I need to by to keep my home running and to keep some members of my family healthy. I can tell you, without the slightest doubt, that almost all of the salesmen I dealt with were charming, friendly and welcoming. They would answer any question and erase any doubts I might have. Except, none of them were really honest.They were trained how to avoid talking about any of the known difficulties with their products, even when directly asked. They skipped mention of things they knew, distorted other things, and rushed the process. It was difficult to get accurate pricing information, even as they continually talked about how much I’d be saving (compared to what?). They also had been trained on how to use my name, keep smiling, compliment me on my knowledge and to up-sell when possible. All charm and technique; no substance.

It’s worse than the old model of “buyer beware” because it’s possible that most of these salespeople know more about me than I can remember. If I’m buying a stove, they know how long I’ve been looking, which ones I’ve looked at, and what I paid for the last one I bought. They have a good idea of what I can afford, how quickly I spend, and my credit score.

It’s worse if your trying to get healthy, because all of the new drugs and medical products don’t have a history. We are all told that the new ones are better than the old ones, but who really gets a good look at all the studies. We only get to read about the best ones; the ones that got the drug approved. Then we get about three pages of tiny print that tells us the possible ways the drug may stop our heart or shut down our liver. How much of a risk is a “slight” risk?

I know, as a therapist, than many people don’t trust their employers much any more. The larger the company, the less it seems they care about their employees. That is not a universal truth, but certainly there is a lot of truth to it. Once “increased shareholder Value” became the accepted goal of corporations, then both customers and employees were demoted being less important people. This has been worse since the recession of 2008. As unemployment rose and it became clear that people were easily replaceable, then the person in the job became less important than just having “a” person in the job. In many jobs, people are being replaced by machines of one sort or another. This is happening in jobs from assembly lines, to call centers, to book translation to doctors. It leaves everyone feeling a bit insecure about their future.

All of this seeps into a lot of areas, and it’s worse because few people trust any of the old, reliable institutions. Everything has become polemic. There are very few places that don’t offer an opinion, and those opinions are all more extreme. Newspapers, TV stations, churches, colleges, police, baristas, chefs, salespeople, finance people, all seem to look at the world through a more distorted lens than before. Everyone has their own agenda. Everyone is talking and almost no one is listening, at least not with an open mind. Everyone has learned to be more suspicious.

My wife and i have always enjoyed traveling. Very often we sit in a small restaurant and we are able to start a conversation with some of the people around us. We have done this many times, and all over the country. We’ve had memorable times in “Boston, in Philadelphia, PA, deep in the heart of Texas, and out near “Frisco Bay, all over St; Louis, and down in New Orleans…”

Everywhere, people are friendly, and mostly proud of where they live. But it’s changed slightly since the election. People try to get a read on each other to see which side you’re on. Everyone seems to feel that the person on the other side of the divide is the cause of lots of trouble. That implies that there there a differences that can’t be discussed, but also can’t be resolved; major differences about what is important in life.

I don’t know how I’d feel these days in the local restaurant in a small town in Indiana. I am sure that all the people would be kind and caring folks, who want what is best for their families and their country. But I’d also be aware that I’m also in the land that created Mike Pence, the new spokesperson for the American version of the Taliban.

How do we get things to improve from this state of affairs? I guess we need to start a dialogue to see if there is any common ground left upon which we can build a bridge across the great divide. Is there a way to create a foundation of respect, civility, and acceptance, with an understanding that despite all our differences. If we don’t get our act together, we will soon be living in an unsafe, unhealthy country, with a bad economy.

Is there anyone out there who would be an acceptable moderator for such a discussion? He or she may be difficult to find.

Stephen Colbet, Bill O’Reilly, Kloe Kardashian, Konya West, LeBron James, Bill Belichick

or

Lester Holt, Justice John Roberts, Judge Richard Posner, Gov. Charlie Baker

The duo of Niki Haley and Maxine Waters — that might be fun.

Anyone? Any trusted voice of reason who would be respected by 70% of the population?

Suggestions?

Terror, Violence, Instability...Crazy?

Another shocking act of terror, this time, again, in Paris.

The purpose is to be shocking, the purpose is to terrorize. Twenty years ago I remember reading a prediction that this would be what the world would be like.  After the disintegration of the Soviet Union, the idea of a lot of "asymmetrical" battles would occur against fanatics.  They would not represent countries, or anything or anyone that a nation could clearly go to war against, just random acts of terror like this, designed to make everyone feel vulnerable, anywhere, any time.

I gave my little talk last week at the Psychological Convention.  My talk was premised on the idea that emotional and psychological problems are very complex, and that their causes are not just psychological, or biological, or familial, or environmental, but all of those things -- all of those things interacting, all the time.

One of the questions I posed to the group was, " Are all suicide bombers crazy?"  No one answered that question and we moved on to the Big Data part of the discussion.

But clearly now, that is a relevant question.  What does it take for someone to decide that it is a viable option to go and kill as many people who have done nothing to him, with the knowledge that he will almost certainly die himself while doing that?

I guess, at some level, they have to feel their cause is that important.  Do they also think their lives have no future, or do they believe that they will be given a greater future in some kind of after-life?
Or do they feel that the resulting infamy and media coverage is enough to have made their lives worth it?

What kind of group pressure, family pressure, religious fervor, does it take?

This kind of behavior is not new.  Countries, empires, city states, have all been able to convince energetic, healthy young men to go charging into battle for centuries, often at the cost of their lives. All for the greater glory of....what?

Even now the U.S.  has its soldiers all over the world, and now we will certainly have more of them, going into battle against these forces of terror.  Battle, often to the death, has been the way of humans for as long as their have been different groups that can oppose each other.  Religiously, it began right at the beginning with Cain and Able.

But now, the world is much more interconnected.  More and more people are beginning to feel that a person living in China or New Zealand, is very similar and just as worthy a soul, as a person living in Ferguson, MO, London, Moscow or Mogadishu.  We read the same internet news, look at the same pictures of kittens, trade with each other, lend each other vast sums of money, and visit each other's countries in numbers that were unheard of fifty years ago.

But, there are still many, probably a majority of people, who feel that their culture, religion, race, subculture, family, is better, and more important than any other.  They feel that anyone, or any slight difference is a threat to their survival, and therefore needs to be destroyed.

It is the struggle between these two world views that is going on now, internationally, and nationally here in the U.S.  It seems to describe the differences between our two major political parties.

In some ways, both of these views are correct.  The world will not be safe until we all learn to understand each other and resolve our differences peacefully.  We now have the knowledge and technology to be able to do that.

But until that is done, there are people who will fight that goal, and insist on destroying it, and "we" need to be protected from "them."

On World Mental Health Day we....

It Was World Mental Health Day.

I began  blogging on World Mental Health Day, which was Sunday, October 10.  I was too late to add the code to get the sticker, so I won't attract hundreds of new readers who want to learn my views on such an event, but that's Okay, as I'm not clear what my views are.

I'm not sure what we are supposed to do on World Mental Health Day anyway. I guess be mentally healthy.  I didn't finish my bog post that day because I stopped typing and watched football and then went out with some friends.  I'm not sure how mentally healthy it is to watch American football.  I don't really think it's a good idea to watch people literally bash each other's brains out, but this year the Patriots are really good and fun for me to watch.

If Mental Health Day was a fund raiser, I don't know who the money should go to.  There are lots of places doing research, but the findings seem to be all over the place.  Also, the entire body of research done on mental health treatment was called into question in an article in the New York Times last week.  The article stated that most of the studies that get published are the ones that show good results.  the studies that show small, no, or even negative results are not deemed that helpful so they don't get into major journals.  Therefore, the body of evidence is skewed to the positive.

Mental and emotional difficulties have very varied and complex causes.  Most of the studies show small things, such as spending too much time sitting in a cubicle, typing insane blog posts, is not good for your emotional health. Psychology offers a lot of little answers to basic problems: how to control your anger, how to get your child to study, ten ways to relieve stress -- mostly why situation X will lead to behavior Y.  Most of these are interesting and helpful, but they don't put it all together, they don't cover everything that is going on in a person's life. What if your in pain? What if you don't have the money? What if your kid is sick? What your boss is on the phone?  What if you have asthma?  What if all of these things are happening at once?  Why can some people handle this and others fall apart.  Why do some people fall apart when the waves hit their ankles and others can keep swimming when the water is up to their neck?

It's complex.
It is.
Be aware of that.
Be understanding.

It's (was) World Mental Health Day.

Can't Follow My Own Advice

I am closing my practice, basically.  Tomorrow I go and pack some boxes.  Next week i head to the water's edge.  It will be my job to make sure the tide comes in on time.

My mind is just beginning to take a different shape.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop thinking about the work I have been doing for the past forty-two years.  Sometimes I wonder if two months from now, I will think about it at all.

Briefly, and I am sure I will elaborate upon this many times, one of the things I have learned is that we are all a product of our genetic make-up, mixed with all of our experiences. We are shaped by those things to the degree that we can never easily become something else.  The forces that have shaped each of us, individually, are so strong and pervasive that we don't even realize what they are.  They are so much a part of who we have become..

Try these:
You like watching sports, or playing sports, or you really think it's a total waste of time.

You think Obamacare is ruining America.
    You think people who think that are morons and bigots.

You love to watch The Bachlerette.
      Why would anyone ever watch that show?

There is no moral justification for a woman to get an abortion.
     Why should a woman be forced to radically change her life just because she had sex and got pregnant?
             Or maybe you don't think about abortion much, and really don't want to bother now.

and even this one:
   Jihadists are all crazy. How can anyone ever get so co-opted.
            The infidels, with their new ideas, have insulted God, and they must learn to respect God and his laws or the whole world will suffer.

These are just a very few of the ideas about which many people tend to disagree, vehemently. Yet, I have learned from dealing directly with all sorts of people, that very few of the folks who feel any way about any of those topics are truly evil people.  Yes, there exits a small percentage of narcissists and sociopaths, but those are really very few.

The overwhelming majority of people are convinced that the world is the way they experienced it.  They have learned, mostly from their family and community, to think and believe as they do. They have learned that it seems right to be religious, or not religious.  There are Capitalists and their are Socialists, and there are a lot of people who don't know the difference, or really care.

There are people who believe all kinds of "crazy ideas."  Many of them think that what I think is crazy ( including this). They will continue to stick with their ideas and values, especially if doing some gives them some measure of belongingness, happiness and comfort.

So what?

So, my advice is this: try to spend some time with people who are different from you.  You don't have to agree with them, but you have to respect what they think and do.  Try to discover what forces made them this way.  Try to understand.

If you do this you will really learn how the world works.  You may learn something about how to make it better --- if you can decide what "better" is.

From my many years as a clinician I know this is true.  Can I do it?  Do I really live this way?
Of course not.
Although I rarely show it, I have very little patience for those who disagree with me.
I think they're idiots.

But now, I think I'll try; hopefully, sometime soon.

To avoid panic attacks

There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke, though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns, and more than suspects that the joke is at nobody's expense but his own. However, nothing dispirits, and nothing seems worth while disputing. He bolts down all events, all creeds, and beliefs, and persuasions, all hard things visible and invisible, never mind how knobby; as an ostrich of potent digestion gobbles down bullets and gun flints. And as for small difficulties and worryings, prospects of sudden disaster, peril of life and limb; all these, and death itself, seem to him only sly, good-natured hits, and jolly punches in the side bestowed by the unseen and unaccountable old joker. That odd sort of wayward mood I am speaking of, comes over a man only in some time of extreme tribulation; it comes in the very midst of his earnestness, so that what just before might have seemed to him a thing most momentous, now seems but a part of the general joke.

--Herman Melville
Moby Dick,  Chapter 49