Him and her

I like to see couples in treatment. It's different. It's much more process and much more interactive. It's hard to make it as probing, or to get into the personal deep shit. Sometimes that happens, but mostly the idea is to get them to interact and to learn a more successful negotiating process. Like individuals, couples get stuck.

This week of the 36 hours, six were couples.

One thing I've gotten very good at is that I can tell in twenty minutes if both people in the couple really want to stay together, or if one has already turned off and emotionally moved away.

It happened this week. I only waited to the third session before I pulled the plug. It was what I call a "dump." That means one of them was here to say: "when I leave, this person sitting next to me is going to fall apart and I am here so that you, Mr. Therapist, can hold them together while I get away."

I feel that's a fair request. I'll do that.

This time it was her dumping him. It runs pretty evenly both ways. This time I'm pretty sure she doesn't have anyone lined up. That isn't always the case. More often than not there is someone waiting in the wings. Everyone knows it's bad and wrong, and people are usually a bit embarrassed about it, but it certainly makes the transition easier.

With this couple it was clear. They were both attractive. It was easy to tell what brought them together, but he couldn't keep up with her. He really didn't want to. He was happy staying home, being with the kid and the dog, fixing stuff. He was happy she was making money. He never got in her way. He didn't expect her to do everything; he even hardly even expected sex, which insulted and angered her.

She was beginning to rip up the world. She was making investments, started a second business, meeting people, and got herself back in shape after an illness.

It was once she really felt she was looking good (without any added enhancements) that she realized that other men were looking at her in a way that her own husband wasn't. The contrast between him and the other men-on-the-go she was meeting became too clear to her. They were ambitious; he was solid. They were exciting; he was boring.

She gave him a chance. She was pretty clear about what she needed from him. But the chance was really over before they got to me. He couldn't do what she wanted. He didn't come close.

At our meetings she repeated everything, all the requests, all the expectations,for me to hear, just to let me know that she had tried. She didn't want to feel totally selfish and guilty.

But it didn't take long. I got the message. The next appointment will be for just him. I may have to teach him how to balance a checkbook, or he may be back home with Mom, but he will be an emotional mess. I know it won't be fatal. It will be my job to help him get his act back together.

I'm not sure that she will find what she is looking for. But she has to try, or else she will be depressed for years, and impossible to live with.

Too bad. They looked good together.