2 men, surprise

I have been working with two couples since last summer. In both cases the women were depressed, angry and fed up with men who they saw as sullen, uncommunicative, and self-centered. One couple had been married for twenty-two years, one for twelve.

By November one of the men seemed easy to deal with, at least during the sessions. He expressed a willingness to change and he acknowledged that he had problems. He complained that his wife often had a temper and would get loud and challenging when she was unhappy and that pushed him away. She said that she was trying her best to "bite her tongue" and hoped he could relax and become more open with her.

The other guy, who I mentioned in a previous post, said he worked hard, he was not going to succumb to pressure, especially from some woman, and he went into the other room to watch wrestling.

Now, it's four months later. During that time the wife of the second man decided that if her husband was going to take a strong stand and not respond to her repeated pleas for a closer relationship then he could go fuck himself. After weeks of threatening, she moved out. A week after she was gone he began to fall apart. He was stunned. He didn't think she would or she could. But she did, and she seemed to like being on her own and not feeling that she was always wrong and deficient.

He begged and pleaded for a month. Flowers, candies, texts, poems, everything he had never done for twenty-two years. She finally relented and met him for coffee and a discussion of what she expects. Now, six weeks later, she has been back home for three weeks. He won't watch TV until she feels they have communicated enough. He takes her out once or twice a week. He comments on how she is dressed and remembers what she was talking about. He seems to like how it feels to get close to someone. He decided that he doesn't have to be like his father.

The other guy still works all day and comes home, watches TV and falls asleep. He still says that he is trying to change but his wife says that she sees no evidence of that at home. He seems petrified of getting close to anyone, even the kids. She is tired of holding back and after three months of waiting for him to come and participate, laid into him. He went out for a three hour ride. He came home and went to bed.

They have younger kids and she doesn't want to throw him out. They also would have a tough time financially, and she counts on him to watch the kids while she works. She is now trying to live with him, but not expect anything. He says he is "working on things," but I don't think he really knows what that means.

It's like a lot of things: You can only get what you want when you realize that you don't need it.