Another Year is Here!

The end of one year and the beginning of a new one seems to bring out a moment of reflection and evaluation in a lot of folks.  I am grateful for that as several of my patients from years back have taken the time to send me a message.  They usually just say that they remember me, and that I was helpful.  Some say more than that, giving me credit for things I don’t remember saying, or for transformations that happened during the time that they were in therapy.  I certainly enjoy reading those messages.  

That’s the good part of the year’s end transition.  The more upsetting part is that when one patient contacts me to say good things, it reminds me of some of the other people I was seeing at the same time.  Memories get linked the way.  I don’t like how much my memories of the people I didn’t help that much overshadow the good feelings I get from those who did well.

Yesterday, I went through that whole cycle while sitting here at my desk as the early sunset came pouring through the window, making reading on my computer screen difficult. A message from one person led to to search for the name of another.  I quickly found what I expected. He was arrested last year for the possession of a Class A substance.

“Sammy” was a young man I saw about five years ago.  He was sixteen the last time we met. He was brought to see me by his mother, who I had been seeing at the time.  He was very ambivalent about coming.  He wasn’t the ideal psychotherapy candidate. He was untrusting.  He couldn’t make eye-contact. He was almost non-verbal.  If he spoke at all it was in one word sentences.  Two words made a paragraph.

All of this he came by honestly.  His father had drifted away when the boy was about four. The father had a drug problems of his own, and probably many other problems in addition.  His mother was very hard-working, very depressed and she herself had come from a family that was so messed-up it would take about sixteen pages to just give an overview.  So, when she would get involved with some men who wanted to save her it was never good for her children.  A couple of the men were especially harsh on Sammy, who was sullen, disrespectful, and not very cooperative.

I could go on and on, and I should actually, but no one reads two-hundred page blog posts. But the message is that “mental health issues” are very complex.  They don’t lend themselves to clear, consistent solutions.  Sammy was the kind of kid who, if I really wanted to help him I should have taken him home.  I could have said to my wife, “Hey, this is Sammy.  We are going to wash him, feed him, and keep him with us for five to ten years.  We will sand end him to school here, where there is a good school system, and we will go to school once or twice a month to make sure we are on working together.  We will try to limit his time playing video games and then try to help him make one or two friends.  We will try and protect him from being bullied, and show him that he is talented and capable.  We will try to make sure he smokes only a limited amount of pot.

It probably would have also helped if his mother came to live with us on weekends so he would know that she didn’t abandon him. If he went to be with her on weekends those two days would have probably undone whatever was gained during the five days he stayed with us.

But I din’t take him home. I have this rule about not taking any patients home. Even if I did I don’t know how successful an intervention it would have been. I’m not his uncle.  His uncle is in jail.

I did go to several meetings at his school.  I tried to get one of the school counselors to see him because his mother was having so much difficulty to get away from work in order to get him to my office. The school essentially told me that they didn’t like him because he was sullen, withdrawn and difficult.  Essentially, they blamed him for having all of his problems. and even encouraged him to drop out and go away.

These memories bother me.  When I read about people who are homeless, or people being shot by police for brandishing a stick or having a lump in their pocket, I think about Sammy.  When I know that there are thousands of young men getting thrown into jail, or dying in messy apartments of drug over doses, I think about all of the Sammys I’ve seen.

The underlying causes are probably genetic, partially.  Certainly abuse, poverty, and lack of supervision and encouragement don’t help.  The lack of resources, support, and concern by the community adds to the problem.  Then his difficulties get defined as a crime which makes everything worse. 

So now I don’t know.  I don’t know if he is in jail or just on probation.  I don’t know if he will be scared enough, or get enough support to stay our of further trouble. Can he get a job and make enough money to support himself?  Is he capable of having any kind of real relationship with anyone?  

I know that he really never did anything wrong, or actually hurt anyone. He’s not a criminal unless being poor, depressed, confused, bullied and pushed aside is a crime. I know that his mother still cares.  She is still out there trying to get him into a rehab, but the beds are full and the treatment is short.

The rest of the world doesn’t really care about him and all of the Sammys.  They are difficult and embarrassing.  Eventually they just get swept up and put in the trash. The real problem is that treatment is too complex, and more importantly, too expensive.

I know I tried.  But it wasn’t enough.

Another Year is Coming!

Another year is coming. not much we can do about it , except stop marking time.  Time, in many ways, is a concept invented by fairly modern men.  I say men because when they started marking time I don't think women had much influence, but I can't be sure. Some wife in ancient Babylonia may have told her husband not to come home late.  He might have answered, "Late?  I don't know what you're talking about.  I'll get home when I get home.  That's what happens."  But they didn't have Apple watches then, which do tell the time somehow, and also show the text message from your wife reminding you, and the  pop-up screen that tells you when to leave and what the traffic is on the way home, as well as the weather, and emails from work that tell you what you have to do when you get home -- so that being home with your wife won't be the same as she hoped it would be.

Others, like some physicists I know, explain that time is not invented, it is the fourth dimension, and it has existed as long as our universe has existed, and it may or may not have existed before that.  In our universe, the physical laws insist that time can only move in one direction, so that if you get home late, then you can't rearrange things and get home early. But that may be possible to do under the laws of a different universe.  There may, or may not be an infinite number of different universes (multiverses). One of the laws of our universe is that we can't get to another universe, not even using Star Wars warp-speed.  But if there is a unipole -- which allows for an opening into another universe, you may be the one to be drawn into it.  However, if that happens no one knows if you will be able, or if you will even want to come back.

Most of us just go along counting time in the usual way: seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and then years.  A year signifies, roughly, the time it takes for the earth to take a trip around the sun.  We go through all the seasons, those of us who still live in places where there are seasons. So marking the end of the year, after 365 days -- 366 next year, is an occasion for a moment or two of reflection, and to regain the hope that the world will be better and that we each will use this demarcation in time to reprioritize our own lives so that we may live happier, healthier, more creatively and do things that make us pleased to be who we are.

So here is my brief list of New Year's resolution Do and Don't:

1.  lose weight -- if you've already tried to do this, and if you were not too successful, then don't bother.  The odds of any individual losing weight and keeping it off are very against you.  There are so many reasons, from genetic to physical to psychological that make it very difficult.

2. Exercise -- this one is a bit more achievable.  Anyone can get up from where they sit and walk around the block, go up and down a flight or two of stairs, do some push-ups, or strike some ago poses.  Exercise, moderate to vigorous, is good for your body and brain. There is a line, especially at my age, when instead of building up muscles, heart and lung capacity, I find it hurts and I get injured. Pain is a good indication of when what you're doing is wrong.

Have joined gyms in the past, not now.  To me they are boring.  The only good part is I got to listen to music, but it takes so much time to get there, change, shower and go home.  It's easier to walk around the block. I know a lot of people who have always exercised either through some activity they enjoyed or sports.  There are just as many who find that regular exercise is unpleasant and boring. It seems that the ones who like doing it, do it.  The others don't.  Changing from being one of those to the other is very difficult.

3, Mindfulness -- Boy is that the thing, isn't it.  Seems like a good idea, but I'm not sure if it is another health fad, or has real benefits that last.  They say it can clear your brain if you get good.  It's difficult to learn how to do it right if you're pretty anxious to begin with, and those are the people who it's supposed to help the most.  Try it if you wish.  There are many sites that will teach you how.  Be suspicious of the ones that try to sell you stuff.

4.  Blogging.  I'm going to blog on this site twice a week next year.  I now have the time to do it, and I find what I have to say quite fascinating.  I also want to see if I have the discipline and capacity to follow through.    I don't think I'd be a high pick on a fantasy-bloggin site.  We shall see.

But do this for me.  Try to enjoy yourself, in both ways that are important.  Way #1 is to have fun: laugh, be with people you like, do things that are easy and interesting, whatever it is for you -  movies, sports, kids, music, sex, staring out the window, hiding in the closet, tickling a three year-old.
Way #2:  Do something that brings satisfaction, that feeling of doing something for others, doing something that was difficult, figuring something out that was useful, fixing something that was broken, or creating something new that serves a purpose.  If you do #2, you will enjoy doing #1 much more.

2016 -- Wow -- Who Know!