Dancing with Emma

Dancing with Emma

(not Emma, just a free download)

Six year-old Emma (not her real name) came bounding home from kindergarten. She greeted me with a big hug and then, holding my hands, she climbed up my legs, planted her feet into my chest and did a back-flip to the floor. Next, she grabbed my hand, pulled me to the computer and clicked on a page of a children’s book to show me how well she can read. She typed out “I love you. Come and play with me tom…” she began to ask me how to spell “tomorrow” but the word popped up on the screen, so she just had to push a button to complete the sentence. “Print ” she said, and a copy of her invitation slid out of the printer.

Next, she opened a program that showed the two of us on the screen as it took a video. She tapped the keyboard and mirror images of us dancing appeared. She tapped it again and tiny red hearts fluttered between the two of us. Another tap produced blue birds flying in circles around her head. With a push of two more keys we are watching the video she had just made and she asked me what song to play in the background. “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine” came instantly to my mind.

Emma is my granddaughter. She is growing up in a world that constantly offers her new possibilities. She is delighted and excited, unaware that at her age it was amazing for me to see Howdy Doody through a friend’s window, after climbing up a four floor fire escape. She has TV, Apple TV, On Demand, an iPad, with many learning apps, games and videos, and an Echo She rides in a car that changes lanes and parks itself. She also has books, blocks, paints, markers and crayons.

Emma is fortunate to have loving parents who have a good relationship, good jobs, and a supportive extended family (not just me). She is living the upper-middle class American life, with too much stuff, and too many choices. Still, she seems to handle it well. She has been learning the old skills, such as reading, coloring and pumping a swing, and also the new ones that I struggle with, mostly with technology. Of course, when she gets hungry, cranky and tired, nothing works to her satisfaction.

My granddaughter was born three years after the first iPhone was sold. YouTube was already showing 14 billion videos a month. Since her birthday the CSRP-R gene editing technique has been developed, which will eventually eliminate many birth defects, and perhaps help her design her own child. Nanotechnologies are being developed which will deliver medicines directly into cells. There have been improvements in battery technology, solar collectors, and more wind farms have been built which will offer new sources of energy. The Internet of Things has connected our houses with our shopping, our calendars, our friends, or banks, and music. Both Google and Amazon have learned more about us than we know about ourselves. Several of Emma’s friends were conceived in a petri dish and have two parents of the same sex.

But also, the polar ice caps continue to melt at an increasing rate. Refugees are fleeing war, poverty and drought and overwhelming the more developed countries. Reacting to that, many of those countries are retreating behind nationalistic, xenophobic governments. There is a terrorist attack somewhere almost every week that receives a great deal of attention, and keeps everyone fearful. The threat of cybercrime, hackers and international cyber-warfare seems to increase every day, especially as the new U.S. President seems to enjoy being provocative.

What guidance can I give to Emma besides just “be a kid and have fun?” which I think is still the most important advice a GrandPops can offer. There are so many things she probably won’t have to learn that were so necessary for my survival. She won’t have to learn to write, as she can already type, or even dictate, to a machine and it will write it for her, in any font, color or style she chooses. She adds emojis to clarify the emotion. Or, she can just make a video and skip verbal communication altogether.

I had to learn arithmetic. Then came calculators. Now Emma just asks Siri or Alexa or Google to give her the square root of 2345 (48.3252, I just asked). She can jst ask for any information: who the President was before Lincoln? or how far it is to the moon? What is a quark? These things would have taken me hours, or even days to find — if I knew where to look.

By the time she is old enough to get a driver’s license she probably won’t need to drive. She can ask her electronic assistant, (R2-D2?) to order a self-driving Uber. By then the “assistant” will know her schedule and have it waiting for her.

Will she go to college? What will college be like by then? Will most of it be on-line and channeled right into everyone’s homes? Will her classmates be from all around the world, and they will meet in small groups by putting on a Virtual Reality headsets? Will the “class” be taught by her electronic assistant? Will people still go to an actual college campus for two years just to leave home, network, have parties and consensual sex?

What will she do after college? Half of the adult women she knows are doctors, work for Google, or a bio-tech company. The other half stay home with their kids, wear Lulu Lemon all day, drink wine and make organic snacks. Will she seek a job growing genetically modified crops to feed the world, or make an augmented reality app which inspires children to grow up and take care of their grandparents? Perhaps, by the time she is fifty, everyone will be working only six hours a week and receive a guaranteed annual income. The rest of the work will be done by robots, and most of the decisions will be directed by algorithms and artificial intelligence. I think about this as Emma and I dance to the rhythm of a beatbox app that thumps out a strong base line.

All of this could happen within the next five to fifty years. It’s difficult to tell how fast it will come. Some of it will work and some won’t. It’s exciting. It’s frightening. What is clear is that the transition won’t be smooth. People resist changes, even when they would be beneficial.

Will this be a world that offers freedom and prosperity to all? A world in which everyone will have the security, education and skills to be creative, caring, and healthy? Will most people find ways to live the lives they choose; lives that are fun and fulfilling? It could be a world in which people will feel connected and enjoy being together. We are social animals. We feel better in supportive relationships.

I have too many doubts. I have worked closely with all kinds of people for my entire career. I have seen how some people quickly take advantage of other people’s weaknesses. Emma has already told me that some of the girls in her kindergarten class are mean to other girls. Some girls always push to be first. Others boast about having new things that other kids don’t have. She has also told me that she was frightened when one boy pushed someone down. Another boy got so angry that he threw a block across the room.

I know too well that humans have limitations. We are still a primitive species. Almost all of us are basically good and kind, but we can change quickly if we feel threatened. We have evolved to be very sensitive to all possible threats. That’s how we have survived. We have to recognize immediately if whatever is rustling in the bushes thinks we are a friend or food. One wrong reaction could mean we won’t get another chance. Humans are irrational. We count on our emotions to guide us.

It makes me wonder if all of this new technology and easy access to all kinds of information will be shared equally, or if it will be proprietary, and sold to those who can pay for it. There is the hope that these algorithms can help people make better decisions about what to eat, how to spend money, how to resolve conflicts, and will help everyone enjoy the benefits of scientific advances. There is the fear the the same technology can be used to manipulate people, influence their thoughts and divide everyone into classes of exploiters and exploited. This seems to be what humans have done for centuries.

How do I explain my concerns to a six year-old as we dance to Ariana Grande, and she askes why I don’t let her watch the video? I have done a pretty good job of passing my values down to both of my children, and they, and their spouces, are all good parents of their children. I want my grandchildren to be caring, curious and creative. I want them to be open to new ideas and new people. I want them to be able to experience the satisfaction of working to make the world a better place for everyone. And yet they have be aware that there are people who would take advantage of them, and others who could harm them. They have to learn whom to trust and whom to drive away.

Emma will have so many more choices than were available to me. Choices of how to live, where to live, who to be with, how to communicate, places to travel, where to work and how to work. Hopefully, medicine will be better; many more diseases will be treatable or eliminated. I’ve read that Emma’s life expectancy is 103.

Despite all of the new technologies, new discoveries, and new realities, there is one skill that we need to teach all of our children, a skill that we can’t allow machines to do for us, and that is critical thinking. This ability is what will determine who survives and thrives. More than even our children have to learn how to determine what is real from what is distorted. They have learn how to get as close to the truth as possible, especially when it shows that something they believe is wrong. They have to be able to evaluate which, of all these new technology offerings, is really useful for them, and which are manipulative or just distractions. We all have to realize that we are emotional and what really separates us from all of the new technology is that we care.

How do I teach Emma to be open and curious, yet questioning and skeptical? I want her to feel that the world is fascinating, friendly and fun, and yet to realize there are real dangers. She shouldn’t be frightened, but she needs to be aware. I want her to have the confidence in her own skills and her own judgement, so that she knows how to take care of herself.

So we start with the basics. She should learn to trust me, her parents and others who really care for her. She should understand why we tell her not to eat too much candy or jump off of tree limbs. She should know why the moon and sun appear to be the same size, but they’re not. Learn how to meet new people and assess what’s going on, like when she asked, “What’s it called when you say something that’s not true, but you think it’s funny? Oh yeah, sarcasm.” She needs to learn what it means to have a friend and to be a friend.

As she demonstrates good judgement we can let have more freedom. She can learn that making mistakes is important, because that is part of the way we learn.

As she develops her own skills of critical thinking and cause and effect, she can see that life can be fun, fascinating and satisfying. She can make her way through the world and decide where she wants to go, what she wants to do and with whom. Good values, good judgement and behavior are what constitute a worthwhile human being. The more Emmas there are, the better the world will be.

Hopefully, she will remember how much her GandPops cares for her, and she will keep in touch with him. She can show him what’s cool, and we can dance.

still in transition

Spring is turning to summer. The sun stays longer in the sky.  We, up here in the colder states, are freer to roam outside and become active.  The pollen fills our sinuses and causes water to run from our eyes.

A year ago I  set the date of the Summer Solstice to mostly end my practice of psychotherapy. I have been attempting, in various ways, to help people deal with their lives and make helpful changes for over forty years.

Now it is my turn to try to make some significant changes.  This is proving to be an interesting experience.  To me it is a very mild form of what happened to Jill Bolte Taylor, the neurologist who realized she was having a stroke.  She had studied the brain for years, and now she was experiencing this phenomenon phenomenologically.  You can Google her TED talk.

What I am going through is much more mundane.  It happens every day; more frequently now as the population ages. What is good is that I have chosen to do this.  I have not been laid off or fired, or told not to practice because I reached the point where I couldn't remember any one's name.

Still, for me the time is filled with ambivalence, with both excitement and disappointment, with anticipation of freedom, but also the loss of direction that comes with the breaking of habits and routines.

My life has already changed in ways I didn't anticipate.  My wife and I have four new people in our lives ( well, three and half, it will be four in September).  This was something we knew would be coming but the reality is that, if we wish, these new beings could take up a great deal of time. And we do wish, mostly.

There are other things I really want to do.  Some of them are inexplicable to other people who think of retirement as a play time.  In my mind this could be a time to do the things that I was unable to do because my work took up so much time and effort.

These are things that for me are fascinating, but not necessarily easy.  No one is expecting anything from me, so I will have to do it on my own.  It is challenging, and kind of makes me anxious.  It's funny how I seem to avoid doing the things that I say I really want to do.

This is so much like so many of the patients I have seen over the last forty years.  It is the kind of thing I want to be studying.

or not.

He Passed!

I am still working, and more and more my work frightens me a bit.  There are so many things that can happen that we can't control.

One of the things that makes me scared is the unexplained increase in Autism Spectrum Disorders.  About ten years ago I was a bit skeptical.  Was this being over-diagnoses?  Were kids who were a little odd or a bit removed getting labels that would hurt their lives?  Or were they getting labels so that they could qualify for more educational services?

I didn't know.

But as the years went by and I saw more families with these boys, mostly boys, I was convinced by the evidence that something was happening.

Now, this is a Spectrum disorder, and some of these kids are different, but fine.  They miss some social cues, and they over-focus, but they can be well-adjusted and productive.  But others are further down the Spectrum.  Some need help, some need a lot of help, and some are just overwhelmingly non-functional.

And the numbers seem to be increasing. According to recent data 1 in 52 boys are on the Spectrum.  That's almost 2%.  There seem to be some contributing factors, such as older parents, especially older fathers, but the real cause is not clear.

At the end of August my third grandchild, and first grandson was born.  I had no reason to suspect that anything was wrong, but I have seen how much time and attention and effort a special needs child can absorb from a whole family, and I would do it if that was necessary, because what else do you do, but I would prefer not to.

But now he boy is over two months old.  He looks at my face, old and puffy as it is.  He looks in my eyes as I hold him.  He reaches out to be held.  He now smiles when I play with him and move his hands and he coos back at me when I coo at him.

He's fine.  He passed.  I'm don't have to worry.

In six months I'll buy him a truck and a basketball.

I did that for his older sister too, but now all she wants is her tu-tu and to dance!  How does this happen?

Anyway, Lets all Dance!!

Happy Holiday if you Can.

August -- gone

There is just over an hour left in August of 2013.

Quite a month.  It is so precious here in new England, and it goes by like a breath of salt air off the ocean.  Gone.

What happened this month, beside the world almost having everyone go to war again because a few crazy people can't share power?

I didn't work almost all of August.  More than ever I really enjoyed not going to the office.  The patients are all important and worth the effort, but the system has become even more complex and burdensome, and the big insurance companies continue to find ways to pay us less, and then blame it on Obama.

I did spend a lot of time with some crazy people, but they were not my patients, so I could just let them be interesting and let them prattle on about their views of the world, themselves and whatever it was they found so meaningful. Noy my problem.

Today was my daughter's birthday and, as it happens, my daughter-in-law's birthday, which makes things a bit hectic.  But now, to add to the confusion, my newest grandchild, and first grandson, was born yesterday.  He is a big, healthy boy, with two tired, proud parents and an almost two year-old sister who is still trying to figure out why her life is suddenly so different.

So the world reamins it's complex, unfiar, unaring, often cruel place, but my immediate, tightly knit, cloesely guarded spot in it remains remarkably, happy, prosperous, and almost all very healthy.

But now August is gone.  It is  that sweet, melancholy time when the light becomes sharper and golden, when things start up again and become more serious.  We put away the hammock and the kayak, and wonder where the time went.  We didn't get to take that five mile walk to the end of land to the lighthouse for the fifth year of planning to do so. I did paddle across Pleasant Bay.  I did take the girls to the beach and run in and out of the water, and in and out of the water, and in and out of the water.

Hopefully we will do it all again next year, with the boy sitting in the sand, and we try to stop him from eating it.

The Second One

My son, my second born, is in the hospital right now, sitting next to his beautiful wife, waiting for her to bring forth his first born. They are going through what seems to be the commonplace medical machinations in order to induce the kid to come see the world.  That is what my daughter went through ten months ago, and that is what happened twice to my wife, as both my kids were plucked out, rather than delivered.

So far, the first grandchild has been an overwhelming success.  She is happy, curious, expressive, and she loves her Grand-Pops.  Whenever she sees me coming she swerves around, looks at me and then gives me one of those wide, three-tooth smiles of welcome that make all the world worth surviving. I take those smiles very personally and I don't want to know if she treats anyone else as well. She looks at me, flaps her arms and raises her hands. My daughter was very similar and joyous at that age, although not as big.

So now a new one will enter our life-space very shortly.  I was very hyped- while my daughter was giving birth.  She was there with her husband and we all were trying to have Thanksgiving dinner.  My mind was waiting to see who it would be, and also very focused on how my daughter was doing.

This time it's similar and different.  I cannot know how my daughter felt, but I think I know exactly how my son is feeling, thinking and acting.  Everything is almost exactly the same, except for text messaging.  I can feel the excitement, confusion, anticipation, responsibility and joy that he is feeling. We have about a 57% overlap in personality, so I have a pretty clear idea.

I was 33 when I had him, and he is 32 now. the world is different but having a kid is very much the same.  Is this a good time to be bringing a kid into the world?  Who knows?  Right now it seems like it could be better, or it could be worse.  It is certainly better than being born in 1911, or 1930, or 1937.

I was born in 1945, and that turned out to be a pretty good stretch of time, but who could have predicted that.  My son was born in 1979, which is proving to be better than 1989, but a lot can still happen.

Having a kid, if you think about it, is always a leap of faith and a vote of confidence.  Of course, a lot of people don't think about it, and many of those kids end up in my office.

As a grandparent I see the sweep of time, the possibilites and the difficulties so much differently than I did as a parent.  Being a parent is day to day, often hour to hour, especially in the beginning.  As a grandparent it is the joy of a couple of hours, but also the awareness of the coming decades.  What can be, what needs to happen, and what are the few little nudges I can add along the way to make things easier, happier and turn out right ( the way I think they should).  These kidsare my legacy; things should not be left to chance.

But right now. the only concern is for the next two or three days and that he or she is healthy and robust.  If that comes to pass, then being brilliant, creative, beautiful, caring, intuitive, a good dancer and a skilled point guard will all happen in time.

Right now we just wait for the next text message.