Like it or Not, It’s US!

sleepng in the Everglades by DJB

Look at the ‘gators, just sleeping in the sun.  It’s difficult for me to speculate about an alligator’s thoughts, because their ability to think is pretty limited.  But anthropomorphically, they look as if they are just relaxing in the sun, affectionately intertwined.  Their hearts are pure their bellies are full.

These ‘gators, and about a dozen of their colleagues, are laying in a muddy patch near a path through the Everglades National Park.  This is different than the park where the commercial tours run; the ones that also feature a guy who wrestles with alligators. The same tourist attraction they have run since 1955.  Looking over at these lizards it’s pretty clear that they have no interest in wrestling with anyone. They are living out their alligator life, in their protected alligator swamp, seemingly unconcerned about anything more than when to get up and find their next meal.

Unfortunately, it isn’t that simple any more, not even for them.  Although I doubt those two realize it, they are lucky to be here. In 1955, due in part to people who captured them and put them in shows, but more because people made them into shoes and pocketbooks, and even more  because people drained  the swamps for farms and housing developments, alligators  almost became extinct.  But the government stepped in and protected them and persevered great swaths of their habitat. By 1987, they were no longer endangered.

But now, we may be seeing a government that doesn’t care as much about spending a lot of money to protect swamps and mud holes.  Also, the water that comes into the swamps and mud holes maybe coming in too quickly and getting too deep, and is changing the composition of what kinds of creatures can live there.  In addition the water now contains a lot of strange, man-made chemicals that are toxic to many of the creatures that live in those swamps.

But really, although I do like alligators, as well as great blue herons, ospreys, and piping plovers, and also the southern toads and pig frogs, and every other fish, animal, bird, plant and bug in the Everglades, I care more about my grandchildren, and the kind of world in which they will be living.  I know that if the Everglades, and many of the other estuaries that provide the basic nourishment for the bottom of the food chain become greatly diminished, then everyone’s ability to to grow and find food, all the way up to the top of the chain becomes diminished.

But, really, this isn’t really about climate change.  What these two sleeping reptiles don’t seem to be thinking about is how much the lives of all of us, every creature on earth, have become so much more intertwined over the last hundred years.  What happens in the Everglades affects the lives of people and polar bears in Alaska.  What happens in Washington and Beijing can be a matter of life and death in Syria and Brazil. The way you treat your neighbor affects how I treat mine.  It has become almost impossible to live a life in isolation.  Everyone is connected, whether you want to be or not.

I realize, having walked out on a starry night deep in the desert in Arizona, or up in the mountains of Idaho, that it can feel as if the rest of the world is far away and that I am alone, independent  and self-dependent. But as soon as I want to eat, find water, or to talk to another human being, I will be affected by, and have an affect on, the rest of the world.  Not just the town, the country or the state that I’m in; the world.

This is true because the people of the world are all now in constant communication with each other.   People in Afghanistan were watching the Super Bowl (great game, wasn’t it). People in India were watching Lady GaGa( I didn’t like those shoulder pads). China holds billions of dollars of America’s debt. On my table in Massachusetts is coffee from Africa or Central America, fruit from South America, on dishes made in Portugal. People in those countries are eating bread made from American wheat, and driving American tractors across their farms. Many people are dependent on life-saving drugs made in America, Switzerland, Germany, Israel or India.

People are moving all across the world, some running from terrible conditions, others going to seek better educations and opportunities.  They are inter-marrying, and often their children are moving to new places. This isn’t going to stop, even if one country decides to build a wall.

Ideas are flowing even more quickly across the world. Some people are trying to finding ways we can all benefit from each other’s knowledge, and improve the lives of everyone, all across the globe.  Others a still pretty primitive, and are spreading ideas about how some people are different and should be driven away, or blown up.

To those who say that if everyone would just take care of themselves, and not hurt anyone else, that’s enough, I have to answer, sadly, that is no longer true.  We now still have to take care of ourselves, but also be aware of how we do it, and how it affects everyone else.  You can’t leave your garbage in the woods.  You can’t burn your garbage in the back yard. You can’t leave the water running all day.  You can’t drive a car that doesn’t run clean. You can’t text while driving that car. Burning down the rain forrest in Brazil affects the air quality in Russia.  Insider trading undermines the trust necessary to financial transactions.  Discriminatory housing practices create tensions and anger that can ruin a city. Not paying taxes undermines the fairness of a society. Corruption and unfairness make doing business much more difficult.  Everyone who feels cheated starts to cheat to protect themselves.

The fact that the rest of the world didn’t care that the Israelis and Palestinians never settled their differences for eighty years has affected almost everyone in the world. It has created the chaos and conflict through-out the region that has now affected almost every country in the world.

If people can’t support their families in Mississippi or Wisconsin it affects me here in Massachusetts, even though my kids have good jobs and my wife and I have just stopped working after forty years.  It affects us if kids in Kansas go to terrible schools and won’t be able to understand the world in which they are living, even if my grandchildren do.  Those Kansas kids will struggle and get angry and who knows who they will blame.

I would love to be able to relax and read a good mystery without feeling that something is going terribly wrong and I need to help fix it.  I would love to just post pictures of my grandchildren playing with ducks, or only spend time telling you how amazing Isiah Thomas has been for the Celtics. — which he has been and I do spend time talking about it. 

To all of you who spend part of the day meditating and being mindful.  And to the others who are reading about how to be wildly successful by focusing on your goals, that’s great, and go for it.  But be aware, that you can’t achieve your goal on your own, and also it’s worthless if the world you are living in is falling apart. If you just take care of yourself you may not notice that the freedoms of other people to just take care of themselves is slipping away. They are not sliding down a slippery slope, they are falling off a cliff, and once they go we all soon will follow.

We all have to be aware of what we are doing and how it affects other people, even, and perhaps especially, the ones who don’t know, who we think of as different from us. We are all in this together.  We will all live together in a better world, or we will all live like the poor people of Somalia, with constant conflict and chaos.  Those are our choices. The choices are becoming clearer each day.

So, as they say at the check-out counter: “Have a great day.”

Set Free!

Yes, I promised my few dozen followers that in this new year I would have the time and the intention to set the record straight, and do so with regular blogging at this site.

So, I didn't.  Not yet.

No one has expressed too much disappointment, so I don't feel to guilty.  Especially since I believe that most of my followers are bots.

But I have been set free!  Set free by rejection.
If you remember, I think I wrote about how I presented some of my ideas at our the State Psychological  Conference.  I received such a mixed reaction to that, at the urging of my Division's program co-chairperson, I submitted a more extensive version for the national conference.

I guess she urged others also, because I was informed there were many, many submissions and mine was not chosen as one that the members would most want to attend.

Of course not!  That's why I submitted it.  They need to hear what is really going on.  They need to stop being so insulated and praiseworthy of group-think.

But now I'm free.  I no longer have to alter my thinking to be acceptable.  I no longer have to submit to any committees and try to follow the rules and submit the forms.

Now, when I get around to it, I start telling you all how it is.  A Psychological Memoir --Past, Present and Future.

But right now, we have left the not so cold weather of New England and tomorrow I am going to the beach.

Like always, the truth will have to wait.

Take care of yourselves until then.

Or, if you're a bot, unplug and then plug back in a minute later.

An Almost Civil Disagreement

Max and I disagree.

But we are civil enough to at least attempt to discuss our differences.  We both admit that neither of us should expect to sway the other one at all.  We also will try to present our ideas in terms that could possibly be consistent with the other person’s values.  But really, since we certainly don’t share values, we have a tough time understanding why the other person is such a moron, especially when the truth is so obvious.

However, to begin with, we actually both agree.  We agree that our great country, the land of the free and home of the brave; home of the creative, the entrepreneurial; beacon of hope to the world, with a government of the people, by the people and for the people, — is a mess, and headed in the wrong direction.  We also agree that part of the problem is how terribly divided the population is, and that this division has become more hostile and disrespectful. 

We disagree about America’s priorities, more specifically about what to do about taxes, health care, big government, wages, education, race relations, immigration, refugees, war, weapons, guns, banks, the Fed, welfare, climate control, energy policy, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, All of the Bushes, Israel, Muslims, Christians, Jews, China, the Middle East, the whole defense budget, cities, suburbs, sex, the electoral college, the right to vote, abortion, transgendered people, soda and salt, and many, many other ways in which people care, govern and relate to each other.

We have some overlap in our ideas about Russia, job training, Ben Carson and gay people.

If you want to know more specifically what his positions are, then watch Fox News and read the Wall Street Journal.  He has those positions down pat, almost word for word. My ideas, which I like to think are the result of hours of thought and refection, after reading many sources, are actually close to what you get from the New York Times and NPR.

Not surprisingly, Max was raised in a rich semi-rural suburb in Virginia.  I was born in Brooklyn, NYC.  Really, that’s all you need to know.

Here are some of my generalizations of where we disagree.  If you want to read what Max  thinks, then you can go find his web page. He believes that people should be self-reliant.

Max believes in good and evil.

I believe in cause and effect.

Max believes that the most basic American freedom is the opportunity to make as much money as you can, and that the government should stop messing around with that.

I believe that America’s greatness comes from how it guarantees freedom of speech and thought. The government is there to protect us all equally from being exploited, intimidated or harmed by anyone. I also believe that the government should do whatever it can to help all of us improve our lives, liberty and pursuit of happiness.

Max says he believes that all people are created equal and are free to do whatever they want with their lives.

I believe that the rich and powerful have always, always, exploited those who are poorer and weaker, and that they very rarely give up their advantages without a struggle, often with violence, but not always.

Although he hides behind euphemisms, Max believes that some people, mostly those like him, are intrinsically worth more than others, due to their native endowments.

I believe that we are all equal in our insignificance.

Max believes that men and women are equal, but also that they are basically different, and they should both keep to what they are best at doing.

I believe that is bullshit, sexist and exploitive.

I believe in science, and in using data to see what is going on and to help make the best decisions.

Max feels that science can be confusing and can be used to prove anything, and that good, common sense is enough to decide what should be done.

I believe that due to rapid advances in science and technology, shifts in population dynamics, and climate change, this country is going through a major transition, and once all of those things are recognized and accepted, and we learn how to integrate all of these new things into how we live and work together, our country will be much better and stronger.

Max agrees with all of that except that last three words.  He would substitute weaker and worse.

I think we both would like to find some common ground, but we don’t know where.

We have tried talking.  We have even tried listening.  But we both have very strong core beliefs that we can’t give up. It makes compromise difficult.

Miss Me?

Hey,

I have returned.
We have been down here by the water almost all summer, but things got too hectic being all relaxed and social so we had to get away.
We headed north to the empty spaces of the Canadian Maritimes.  We saw the big tides come and go at the Bay of Fundy.  They were everything anyone could ask of tides, but I realized that not everyone cares about tides.

While we were away, as I was looking back over my shoulder, we missed a lot of the fireworks that were political in nature.  It became obvious that not everyone cares much about people either. Money, greed, anger and paranoia are still all the rage.  And rage seems to be the right word.

I read a poll that said that most people in Ohio think that the terrorists are winning the war on terror. I don't know what's going on in Ohio, why they feel surrounded by terrorists.  I know here on the Cape I don't feel the necessity to stand guard on the beach.  It may be that the terrorists are behind the ridiculous prices of some lobster rolls, but I can show you a place that sells a lobster roll BLT that will blow your taste buds away. And not too expensive either.

In Florida the state legislature passed a law forbidding doctors from asking people if they owned guns, and if so, are those guns kept where kids can't get to them.   I guess you can never trust a doctor who worries about kids accidentally shooting other kids. Restricting freedom.

Anyway, I'm back now.  I'll take care of all that. Rest easy.

Summa Time, Summa Time

Yes, it's summer.  We have been on The Cape for over a week now. The last few days in June were quiet, warm and lazy.  I rode my bike the mile into town and two cars passed me.  I walked in and ordered a sandwich, chatted with the deli-man, bought a bag of chips and rode home.  We took the grandkids to the beach and I chased them all over the hard sand of low tide. The sun set very late and quietly over the Bay.

I thought I could hear the rumble coming.  Still, I wasn't prepared.

Twenty-four hours later I rode my bike to town to buy sandwiches for everyone.  The road was packed.  I had to wait in order to make the left turn into the parking lot.  It was good I was on my bike as there were no places left to park.  The line to get a sandwich snaked around like the line to ride Thunder Mountain.  The deli-man, his brother, his cousin and the two guys they brought in from the Sandwich Maker's Union didn't have time to look up.  They just read the pieces of paper with orders written down on them and kept chopping and spreading mustard.

The beach parking lots were full. There was hardly any room to put the strollers for the grand-boys.  The tide was rolling in and almost all the soft sand was covered with people. People were chatting, sleeping, digging and flirting. Summer arrived!

It was the Fourth of July Weekend.

America was enjoying it's freedom.  Our family was together.  Other families surrounded us.  My nieces was in a house about a mile away with her husband.  His family was there.  Eighteen people and six dogs in a four bedroom house.  The family next door to us always brings everyone in for this holiday.  They have that house and another one near the beach.  They have lots of people, brothers, and a sister, husbands, wives and kids, ex-wives and step-kids, boyfriends and girlfriends, babies and dogs.  I never remember who is attached to whom. The smile and wave.  They all run a race against each other every years to see if the new wives are faster than the ex-wives.  Whatever.

A few hundred people turn out at night for the fireworks on the beach. Fireworks are not legal in Massachusetts. But for an hour there were almost as many fireworks going off as there were over Boston Harbor.  Lots of little puffs of color in the air, but also many, many big boomers lighting up the sky and filling the night with colors, lights and sounds, falling down on my head from two hundred feet above me. People sitting around bonfires, cheering each booming display. I sat down in the dark and a shadowy form next to me handed me a beer.

Thanks, I said. Enjoy your freedom.

Our kids and their kids all left in the morning to beat the traffic.  Other friends drove in from New York and brought their friends with them. No more changing diapers, just eating and drinking on the porch. They will leave Tuesday morning and other people are due to show up Tuesday night and more on Wednesday.

Somewhere in my mind I am aware of how fortunate I am, and as the real people realize, it is really about Family and Friends.  Yes, I know that somewhere out there some people really take Donald Trump seriously.  But that's their problem  I guess that's what freedom is all about.

I leave you with today's musical tribute:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeNAgBFmJpM

still in transition

Spring is turning to summer. The sun stays longer in the sky.  We, up here in the colder states, are freer to roam outside and become active.  The pollen fills our sinuses and causes water to run from our eyes.

A year ago I  set the date of the Summer Solstice to mostly end my practice of psychotherapy. I have been attempting, in various ways, to help people deal with their lives and make helpful changes for over forty years.

Now it is my turn to try to make some significant changes.  This is proving to be an interesting experience.  To me it is a very mild form of what happened to Jill Bolte Taylor, the neurologist who realized she was having a stroke.  She had studied the brain for years, and now she was experiencing this phenomenon phenomenologically.  You can Google her TED talk.

What I am going through is much more mundane.  It happens every day; more frequently now as the population ages. What is good is that I have chosen to do this.  I have not been laid off or fired, or told not to practice because I reached the point where I couldn't remember any one's name.

Still, for me the time is filled with ambivalence, with both excitement and disappointment, with anticipation of freedom, but also the loss of direction that comes with the breaking of habits and routines.

My life has already changed in ways I didn't anticipate.  My wife and I have four new people in our lives ( well, three and half, it will be four in September).  This was something we knew would be coming but the reality is that, if we wish, these new beings could take up a great deal of time. And we do wish, mostly.

There are other things I really want to do.  Some of them are inexplicable to other people who think of retirement as a play time.  In my mind this could be a time to do the things that I was unable to do because my work took up so much time and effort.

These are things that for me are fascinating, but not necessarily easy.  No one is expecting anything from me, so I will have to do it on my own.  It is challenging, and kind of makes me anxious.  It's funny how I seem to avoid doing the things that I say I really want to do.

This is so much like so many of the patients I have seen over the last forty years.  It is the kind of thing I want to be studying.

or not.

Why I am not always the best Therapist

In some ways I'm not the best therapist for today's conditions.  That's not why I am slowing down, I have another seventeen reasons for that, but it seems to be true.

Sure, sure I can see a lot of progress in the people I see in therapy.  About 45% do well and I push them out after a year or so and their lives are easier, happier and they function better.  Another 35% do REALLY well, and they come up from the depths of torture and despair and put something together like a relationship or just happiness and that makes me feel better.  Another 20% don't.

But, as I said in my last post  (you can click back and read it, if you haven't already), the world, especially work, is much more fast-paced and stressful than it was when I opened this practice of psychotherapy.  For many of my patients I find that part of what we do is strategize how to deal with that stress -- not just breathe deeply, but how to prioritize, how to deal with a bad boss, how to deal with the huge, constant demands that a corporation. large or small, places on an employee.

Years ago, in the 90s, when managed care was clearly going to continue to be an intrusive pain in the ass, even before they began reducing fees, I decided to expand my revenue base and do some direct consulting to some local businesses. One was to a company that made stuff, and another was to a local financial services company.  My job was to help higher, but not top, management make their employees more productive.

Well, the company that made stuff, made some real crappy stuff and treated their employees terribly.  The financial services company had a business model that was either just this side or just over the line of being sleazy.

In my head, although I didn't actually say it, my best advice would have been to get the hell out of that business.  I didn't do much consulting after that.

I often still feel that way when I deal with my stressed-out patients now.

But I also realize that they don't have too many choices, and having and holding a job is very important these days.

But since I left working at a community mental health center in 1981, I have not had a boss. I set my own hours.  No one really tells me how to work, although I do consult and collaborate. Insurance companies set most of the payments I get, but at least I don't have to deal with the worst of them.  Many of my colleagues don't take insurance payments at all.  I didn't want to go that way, but it was my choice.

Whenever I see an opportunity I try to encourage people, especially younger ones, to try to do their own thing, build their own business, do something they want to get up and go and do.

But that isn't easily done, especially if you are part of a family that needs to be supported and given some stability.

But it's tough to see so many people feeling so much stress, and having so little control of it.
A lot of them are much better at it than I ever was or will be.

Thankful

Tonight he is sitting by himself watching TV.  The big picture window now looks out into absolute darkness. Perhaps there are a few lights twinkling on the hillside across the late, but they are far away and difficult to see.  Tomorrow morning when the sun comes up he will be able to look across the water at the green hills and the taller mountains behind them.  He will make some coffee and sit alone, waiting for his son and daughter to come and join him.  He has not been able to have them over for a Thanksgiving meal for ten years.

He is divorced from their mother for about fifteen years.  He ran through about thirty women since then.  Mostly he ran through about 1000 bottles of Jack Daniels and a couple of pounds of cocaine.  That all ended him up in jail as the result of several incidents that he has no memory of being a part of, but that doesn't mean they didn't happen.  He realizes that being in prison saved his life.  Three years, four months, twelve days.

He's been clean and sober ever since.  He has a job now, doing what he knows how to do. At first he went back to the woman who waited for him; the woman he loved in high school, the woman he was with on and off when he was married.  But somehow she wasn't that interested in him when he was sober, working, and trying to be stable.

Thankfully, he chose being sober, working and stable instead of great sex and good times.  He has run away from six other women during the three years since he was set free.

He found this place.  He pays the rent.  He breathes deeply and looks at the mist rising from the lake. Tomorrow morning he will put a turkey in the oven and know what thankful means.

I hope everyone else can enjoy the holiday too.

freedom

I have written about this woman before, just over a year ago on January 28,2009. She is a fascinating mix of strengths and weaknesses. A mixture of psychological, neurological, traumatic, and also bureaucratic difficulties. She is very articulate, with a good sense of humor, but she gets disoriented very easily, is always anxious and in fear of harm, slightly paranoid, but from experience. She is also a hoarder, as bad as any of the cases you see on TV. (Boy, that is a sick, exploitive show, but that will be another post).

I received a call from a nurse who is part of her treatment team. They went to her house and realized that she is probably not taking her medication as prescribed because she can't find half the bottles that are lost in the mess. They also saw that she has three check-books she can't find, as well as several checks and money-orders that she has received. All lost in the piles.

They told me that they want to send in a visiting nurse, at least every other day to give her her meds, and also they would like to assign someone to be her payee who would manage her money, so her bills will get paid on time and her money will get put into a bank account.

This seemed reasonable, and probably helpful, so I brought it up to the woman at her next session. The idea made her very nervous, and she made me promise to tell them that she did not need, or want, those services.

As we discussed why, the reasons became clear, and reasonable. Although, in some ways she could see the benefit of them "helping" her that way, she really felt like they would be taking away her freedom to be who she is. They would clean up her place and make her throw away many things they viewed as trash, that she viewed as having useful potential, and/or things she was attached to. Yes, she attached to almost everything, but she felt strongly that everything had a purpose.

She felt the same about medication. She felt that if she took all the pills they gave her, she would be less anxious, but paradoxically, that would make her more anxious. She had a history of being abused by her mother, and then by a boyfriend, and finally by a husband who almost killed her --- see she does get very attached to things and people and can't let go. But from these experiences she feels that if she is not anxious she is much more vulnerable, She feels her anxiety protects her.

Also, she feels that on the medication, she would feel less anxious, but she would feel much less of everything, including, much less like being herself. And despite all of her flaws and hang-ups, she has come to enjoy being who she is. She feels hat she is a very nice person who happens to care too much about everything and everybody. She feels that the world would be better if more people were more like her. Instead there is a medical establishment that tries to make people, neat, clean, quiet and respectable. Zombies. She doesn't want that; she wants to stay alive.

So, I agreed to call them off.