Let's Get Happy

I’ve been reading the Sunday papers, and mostly that upsets me, especially when I see that so much really is about issues relating to mental health.  I was going to write, again, about how these issues are handled badly, inefficiently, or mishandled, if they are handled at all.  For many mental health issues the police are the first responders., Some police are very skilled and sensitive, while there are others, who we see of the news, who beat people, humiliate them, or shoot them.

I also question both the motives and the sanity of many of the people who have managed to push themselves into a position of power, either economically or politically. These days, with money being such a factor in how our country is run, it seems as if business owners, the heads of big corporations and just your regular very, very rich people, have all become intertwined.  They then anoint themselves as the “ruling elite,” and set out to inflict their values and views upon the rest of us. Meanwhile most of “the rest of us” is too busy scratching out a living and struggling to find a few moments of peace and relaxation to pay too much attention to how many of the decisions made by those “ruling elites” is making it much more difficult for “the rest of us” to scratch out a living and find a few moments of peace and relaxation.

Then I read a article about the secrets of success and going viral on the Internet.  It turns out that complaining about how things are bad is not one of them.  Everyone knows things are bad; everyone is complaining. What most people are looking for is a brief respite from all of the complaints that I listed above. It's enough already.

But, if I can come up with an enticing heading, with the emotional promise of a short-cut to happiness, and include a cute, heartwarming picture, that will make them happy, everyone will flock to my site.

How misguided I've been to complain, to talk about the deficiencies of mental heath treatment, or how difficult it may be to make big changes in your life, even if it may be helpful to know that.

So, let's skip that and have a good time.

Here's some good advice to make you happy:

Sing, dance and fall in love!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1ZYhVpdXbQ

Love, Money Power and Sex

Most of us know about Maslow and his hierarchy of needs.  Before you can build up to using your full potential, he hypothesized, you need to have your basic needs met, beginning with food and shelter, and working your way up through acceptance, love, and esteem, until you can feel totally free and secure, and then you can "self-actualize."

It was a good idea, popular and easy to understand.  It really was never supported by research, as it seems many people can skip some steps, while others get stuck enjoying the food, shelter and sex level.

But whenever I have been asked about what motivates people now, in the 21st Century, and I believe  (again, with no real research to back it up) that the big factors are Love, Money, Power and Sex.  Possibly today, with the way the world is, Fame, could be added as something many people seem to desire.  Being famous for being outrageous  and making a sex tape, seems to be worth as much as bringing peace to the Middle East or curing cancer.

The other things about Love, Money, Power and Sex (Fame), is that they are so tightly combined.  People want to be loved and respected.  Money almost can buy love, Power can bring Sex, Sex is related to, but isn't quite Love. Money is almost Power.  Men Love women who are attracted to Money and Power and will have Sex because of that attraction. Some women like to obtain Power to attract Sex partners, some get Power so they don't have to have Sex.  All of this is intertwined and everyone gets involved.

A lot of orthodox religions seem to have a lot of doctrines relating to Power and Sex.  Almost all give the Power to men, to determine who has Sex.

So it is never too shocking when Powerful men, politicians, generals, business tycoons, movie stars, get swept up in the excitement and the glory of their position, and end up combining admiration, Love, lust and Sex all in one bundle and find themselves enjoying the company of beautiful women twenty years younger than they are.

It's a terrible fate that ends up in scandal. Everyone loves a scandal, and they all involve Love, Money, Power and Sex.


So now, I am looking for someone to write my biography.  Preferably a women in her mid-thirties -- but older than my daughter, with a knock-out body and a good vocabulary.

When I raised the idea with my wife she just said "good-luck with that" and then she added that she would like to edit the book before it gets published to keep it real.

Dopamine ?

Guess it's all about dopamine on the brain. Over these last holidays I have been seeing four couples, of many variations, who are parting. it is not gentle on the brain to lose your lover,no matter how intense the conflict, how strained or how long dried up the relationship. When they leave, they leave a gapping hole in your life, and they drain the brain of huge amounts Of dopamine. That's what all the pretty pictures on the colorful fMRIs show.

It's bad, it's sad, and their ain't no cure, except maybe country music.

In contrast, for months I have been seeing two men whom I have been working with to open up, to not try to be impressive, to just be the good,open, honest guys that they are. Suddenly, each of them has found romance. Each is now in a relationship that is over month old. With that, almost all of their doubts, anxieties and listlessness have vanished. Their negativity and cynicism is gone. Their world is now full of sunlight and color.

Love! Better than cocaine; longer lasting, but even more addictive. Much better than any psychotropic medicine ever concocted, or ever will be. No contest.

What's so funny about...

What happened to this week?  Whooosshhh, just like the sound of my iPhone sending an text.  Gone, zipped off with hardly a trace.  I went back to work, each day was full of people coming and going at the wrong times, wanting more time, missing appointments since I was out a week. Everything seemed off schedule. Two new people who had to wait for me to return, didn't even show-up.   Too long to wair?

It shouldn't be that hard.  I was there, in the office, every day, on time.  But when your life is a mess nothing is easy.

"I understand that your aunt hung herself in the next apartment and died leaving two children, aged ten and six, but your appointment was at 1, and somehow you forgot?  But that's OK because the person who was scheduled for tomorrow at 1 showed-up for your appointment, so I can see you tomorrow.  I guess everything happens for a reason -- but I'm not sure I can say that about your aunt.

A week off has a lot to be said for it, especially when it's hot and humid and you're down by the water.  But it really isn't as interesting as sitting here being amazed by stories of how people screwed up their lives during the time I was away.  Loneliness, illness, stress, conflict, addictions, death and general stupidity are the basic diagnostic categories I work with, but they don't come with billing codes.  And the last one applies to both the insurance companies and the current chaos of health-insurance reform.

 Life is complex.  It can be difficult and unforgiving.  Our society does not make it easy or offer much relief.  Jobs are scarce, money is tight, and important things, like an education, are getting wildly expensive.  The feeling out there is like riding on the sleigh in the winter in old Russia.  If you fall behind the wolves will get you and tear you apart.  The rich and well-protected have no trouble going on without you.  They have learned how not to look back.

This has always been true. We all can justify what we do to take care of ourselves.  For some reason, when I was a naive child of the '60s I had the strong belief that everyone wanted that to change.  There was no reason why it shouldn't.  We were smart, educated, rich and aware.  Make Love Not War! 

"What's so funny about Peace, Love and Understanding?"

I still don't know the answer, but I fear that everyone else does.

more than diet and exercise

To me, as a psychologist, when I talk to clients about changing their life-style, it means much more than diet and exercise. The most important thing to me is for people to find ways to find comfort and eliminate stress.

This means more than deep breathing.

From my biased point of view, the best thing anyone can do is surround themselves with good people. That means people who love them, support them, and respect them. It also means that those people have the same expectations of you as you have of them.

Freud, who I don't quote too much, said that to be healthy you have to be able to work and love. I agree with that. Now, working may mean that you take care of kids, or a house, or just simply have found a way to pay your bills and be independent. Loving means that you can maintain a long-term relationship that is mutually rewarding, enriching and beneficial.

If where you work and the people you have around you constantly cause stress, aggravation, conflict and tension, then you won't do too well. You will get worn down, and have symptoms.

I realize that we can't all have control of who our families are, who employs us, and whoever else rambles into our lives and causes havoc.

The world now is full of paperwork, emails, computer menus, late fees, pre-authorizations, user fees, war and salmonella. In addition, our relatives (everyone has them) are angry, depressed, jealous, resentful and/or incapable.

So, making a life-style change can be very difficult, especially since you can't go around shooting people any more.

Even for me, to cut down the hours I spend sitting so that my back gets better, has not been easy. It should be, but it isn't.

But, I will get up from the computer now and stretch.

Thrusday's mothers

I was going to write about Bill, but he can wait.
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I came home last night really struck by the current state of motherhood, or at least how the previous generation conceived of the role -- or even the way they continue to carry it out.

I saw many people yesterday, and with almost all of them some interactions with their mother came up, either something recent, or in the past. Of course I do that a lot in psychotherapy because it is your parents who play a large role in how you begin to think of yourself, and in how you first think the world works.

I have taken just five of the mother's discussed to illustrate what I mean:

Mother #5
This mother was working part-time as an office manager for her daughter. The daughter was running around a lot trying to sell stuff. She had had a lull in the business but then had a good month and made sales. But she needed a couple of new machines in the office to make it run better. Being a little short on cash she used a credit card that she holds jointly with her mother. She charged up about $2500 and figured she would pay it back when the money from the new sales came in, about six weeks to two months.

The bill came to the mother, which was a surprise to my client. Two days later the police came to the business and arrested her for fraud. She didn't know what they were talking about. Her mother, when confronted, said that her daughter had not properly informed her of the transaction.

Mother # 4
This also happened last week. One of my clients is recently engaged for the second time. Her parents came up from Florida and her new future husband wanted to impress them by taking them out to a nice dinner. After a couple of drinks my client's mother turned to her next future son-in-law and said. "You know, Sally's last husband left her because she cheated on him. I hope she doesn't do that to you. You seem like such a nice guy."

Mother #3
My client has been sober for three months now. He is still living back at home since his divorce. He has found a good job in a bank and has been there over a month. He came home late Wednesday night after a meeting. As he walked into the house he was greeted by his mother. She offered this for support:
"Now you think you're mister fancy-pants because you have a dress-up job. Well, you're still a drunk to me, just like your father."

My client was cool, and responded, "I'm glad you don't drink Ma It would probably kill you after six or seven Oxyies.

Mother#4
My client was remembering coming home from Jr. High. He had moved to a new school and was having trouble making friends and with some of the work. His mother had been a very smart woman who had helped him with his homework in the early grades. But now when he came home she was usually walking around the house with a hammer trying to find where the voices were coming from and to kill them. He said she smashed half a dozen TVs.

And Mother #5
My client still has panic attacks. She ran into her mother who still tells her just to get over them. The mother told her that she has been telling her that since she was a eight years old and would spend hours being scared and crying. The mother pointed out that their was nothing to be afraid of, and that my client was alive and healthy and had wasted all that time being anxious.

My client pointed out that what scared her was being left alone all weekend when she was nine, and having to cook and take care of her younger sister and brother while her mother when off with different men.

Her mother answered that she had always asked her if she wanted to come, but she never did.

I can list many fathers who are no better.