To answer your question -- Some small part of this thinking, problem solving ability, that we psychologists call "intelligence" is inherited. That comes with temperament, emotional sensitivity and visual acuity. But, as I have been saying, brains are very plastic, especially early on. When used properly they can do amazing things. When misused you can end up broke, broken-hearted, alone, miserable or even dead.
Or, you can invent people to come into your house and put tiny blue dots on your new green shorts.
Right now I have three clients who are great problem solvers. Why? Because their parents, both parents, were really rotten at it. By the time these people were six years-old they were running the house. Their parents were either not home, useless or strung-out. These clients cooked, watched over their younger brothers, got grandma to take her medication, got their fathers up in the morning to go out to work, lied to the Department of Social Services, and hid money when the parents were thinking of buying coke -- all sorts of problem solving skills.
The reason they come to see me is that they each have never gotten a break. All three are forty years old +/-. They still get calls from their brothers, sisters, parents, and now their own husbands, ex-husbands, aunts, neighbors, and friends to come and help solve problems.
They have trouble saying no and setting limits. They feel that if they do someone will get sick, get hurt or even die. They are probably right. It's even happened to one of them. She hung up on her drunken mother, saying she couldn't come rescue her and leave her two children home alone. The mother fell out of her third story window.
Something like that leaves a funny taste in your brain.
6 comments:
yep. i spent years taking care of mom, "fixing" stuff for her so that she could be somewhat okay...it never held for long. i had been going to al-anon meetings for about six months when she died. i was trying to figure out how to stop taking care of everyone else at my own expense. i was trying to learn how to say no.
i said no that night. when she hung up on me, instead of driving out there as i always would have before, losing a whole night of sleep and being useless at work the next day, i said no. she hung up, and i set the phone down and went back to sleep.
well...i didn't actually sleep. but i *symbolically* slept, you know? i held my ground.
and she died.
that really threw a big wrench in the whole "learning to set boundaries" idea.
I haven't gotten to the "I said no - she died" part yet, but I understand why it will happen.
And that is exactly why I am the way I am today. I "fix" everything for everybody, because I couldn't live with that sort of outcome.
Oh, and thanks for answering my question Therapist. :)
You have an award waiting...come on down ;)
That's so tragic. However, saying 'no' doesn't mean that there is a lack of support or love. In fact, IMHO saying 'No' is sometimes the healthiest thing to do for all parties involved & more often than not, saying it requires intense love & support. And no matter how much we run around fixing things, keeping peace & holding everything together as best we can, there are some things we simply cannot control.
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